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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Sex and general relationships with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:51 am

Things are getting better! Things have unfolded; unfolded pathways from source energy are creating new venues of transformation.
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Im interacting with women again; they want to be friends with me; they are asking to be friends with me; I am developing interactions and intimacy with them; in this case; talking intimacy! and like a circle swirling in an ecliptic vortex, the conversations go round n round n round, ever so untwining into a circle traveling slowly toward the funnel hole of emotional and feeling depth.
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Secretly they are getting closer to me; taking chances. Women have been hurt brutally, many of them; probably all of them! Many women Ive met have been raped once or more then once; raped brutally at times, more then once; and have failed relationships of confusion and sorrow. Once they share these things with me, soon, they want to get close to me, they start giving me things; presents, and other things they find or make; and they call us friends; " we are friends now"! Its all very interesting! its great, because Im making friends! I did not know how to make friends since earlier parts of high school! I destroyed friendships in high school that meant something to me or they were destroyed from outside causes! and I ended up in a complete dissociate world of horror and sorrow and silence! The silence of dissociative disorder is like being under the sea at the bottom of the ocean for ever.
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So, women are talking to me; Im talking to them, and depth and intimacy are occurring; I am learning to ask them how they feel and about how they feel about me talking with them. Im asking them how they feel about me giving my opinion to them, or about a comment or suggestion of what they were talking about! Im giving feedback or asking for feedback on how I should talk to them; and its working! and the more I interact; the safer they feel when they share things, and something magical happens and they want to be my friend!
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Sex and friendship! When I meet a women I want in my bed, then get to know her and her pain and she decides we are friends now; a strange thing happens; the sex feelings I have for her disappear! Its as if Ive moved up to something better; her friendship! she is now playing a more important role; or I am playing a more important roll in her life! Suddenly I dont feel the sex feelings up front! I know they can be their and are their at a deeper level; but I dont see her as just someone to have sex with! in fact; I dont see it at all! She is now my friend and I see her with more respect! Or, I see the position with more respect; I always saw her with respect; but was interested in pleasure! Now Ive been allotted the portion of friend and the other sexual stuff has vanished from my emotions! I dont need to express emotions in sexual terms when the person Im with is someone I can talk to directly back n forth; connecting and interacting is taking the place of sexual interest; not completely! I would say; sex is for the bedroom; and theirs more to life then just a bedroom and sleeping with someone! I suppose if a person believed they could not have friends; what else is left but sex and writing!
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Im not pre-learning how to have friendships from a book I've read in the library or an article or website from a dating coach; Im now having friendships! Im now officially in the middle of them! and Im learning how to be sociable again; for I am in the mix of such things now! The goal is more girlfriends of different levels and natures. Ultimately, I would like to move through different people until I find like minded people! this sounds scary but it also sounds good!
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Working with source energy!
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I work with God; source energy, all day long; allowing God to have my thoughts and interests and desires first, I write them out as if they have already happened and Im so grateful or feel so fantastic of how things turned out before its happened! I continue to write everything out that I want as if its already happened; friendships, approaching and talking and flirting with women, making out with women, having sex with women, sexual performance with women! Money, telescopes, synthesizers, drumming, general social ability around others! Interacting with others; self esteem, self worth! direction, cleaning my apartment! I use affirmations all day long! And many other things and desires I write about or visualize all day long of what I want! I turn to God all day long and depend on God all day long for everything! For the universe to unfold pathways to everything I want; for the journeys to light up that I walk down to my desired destinations!
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Sex;
This is a big big big problem!
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Their are different forms of sexual disfunction; one such form is sexual performance anxiety; and I suffer from this 100%, but it doesn't always show up as it appears! a man my be mad at women, or angry, and frustrated and not know why! Sexual performance anxiety comes from low self work or self esteem in the bedroom; this is cause; not by sexual interactions; not in my case, but problems stemming long before this; how my mother and father treated me; or other people in control when young; and sexual abuse and other forms of abuse in general!
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When I get up close to a women, and strange startling thing happened; all my self worth dropped, I heard a thousand horrible things about myself from within myself! horrible negative affirmations; over over n over!
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When getting close to a women for intimacy, I see people that have taken advantage of me, and all the sick horror associated with it! being bullied and destroyed and dismantled as a human being; having my personalty dismantled over n over n over in the most horrible in human ways! and becoming insane from it!
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When a women gets close to me for sex, I turn into a broken child that is not good enough to be touched or touch! That is what I learned; and its real!
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Horror and shock and fear and terror and being able to escape is what I feel when a women comes up close to me to be sexually interactive or physically intimate! and of course this bugs me! I dont want this! So, Im working on facing women and interacting with them and I've started positive affirmations about myself; telling myself that Im not out of control; and no one else is in control of me and allot of self love things about myself so I can feel good about myself again when near someone! ITs general sexual performance anxiety! it stems from low self esteem or negative self talk; horrible levels of it; unbelievingly horrible levels of self defeating brain washing when someone come up near me!
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Self sexual put downs are also a problem; this is from being raped and abuse and other things! and generally being in facility of those type of sociopaths and psychopaths doing the raping; having live with them and be sexually harassed by them on a daily basis when an older child and having no escape; and no one cares! I didnt have a friend in the world! nothing!
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So, the work is about me and within me and my responsibility to get the help to relearn how to feel good enough to be in the bedroom with a women! and its about learning to change the feelings of sexual inferiority in the bed room; not feel like a rape victim that is being forced to be touched when I dont want to be touched! and all of these things I have to get help for and work on! And having the right people to sleep with doesn't hurt either! having insensitive women who dont care about how I feel; this does not help! I will work with God on the right women to sleep with; not the wrong ones!

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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