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OMNICELL
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Sex and dissociation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 25, 2021 5:57 am

How do you know a man is ill; either physically or mentally; He will not have sex with a women when its offered; meaning someone attractive to him; he might like the idea distantly but not be able to be in touch with such feelings; they would be fare off. Like a pretty women asking a man with Cancer in the hospital to have sex; The cancer patient would probably go into confession and destress; it would be al alarming request while hes deathly ill in the bed in the hospital room.
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Im trying to make a point; when someone is ruptured to a severe point; they dont have sex. They want to protect themselves from any other animal that might get to close. And I am and was no different.
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So; as I am attempting to get better; and signs are showing up; how to I initiate back into sex. That is my next venture with Gods help,.
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Sex appears something dirty; ( THANK GOD!~; THANK YOU GOD FOR MAKING ME A MAN). Its fun; evil; loathing and foaming and dirty and full of surface level whipping... and wip cream; and on her; hip cream... A women might like the rock of a cradle to watch a baby go to sleep; but a mans fantasy is to see a women's hip sway to him to sleep... into a state of submissive oblivion.
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if Im injured; mental or physical; letting someone get to intimate might kill me or can kill me if I cannot stay present. IF I cant stay present I dont have the strength to fight back... For me its automatic; automatic survival...
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So; the point of this blog is simply bringing up the awareness that sex is coming; no pun intended... at some point ill be having sex again. Im still injured or damaged but another part of me is the cure and the cure is being ministered.
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So; dissociation occurs; I want to learn how to have sex again. my biggest fear is letting someone in close for intimacy and then getting my guts ripped out; or my mind ripped out by someone because I feel abandoned. My question is; will I feel this way if I have sex and they leave in the morning; will I feel this way regardless; will I have this weird sick feeling of; Ive gone nowhere in life and Im still just having random make out sessions like I didi in junior High where it goes nowhere.
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Even writing about it; I can feel and see the fear; I see the humiliation of not being in control; and I see sexual abuse the abusers... and Im going to have to work on this. I see an altar within me scarred of sex; not wanting to be ruptured again by force... not wanting my brain ruptured again by terror and forced trauma,. with no place to escape.,
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is it possible to over come this; I think so; but Im going to have to over come it. I will not be able to do anything less if I want a love life sex life a relationship in my life.
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So; visualization is a good place to start. also; Seeing myself writing stories about having sex with a women. Stories about talking to women I like about my situation with sex.
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If I can get to a point that I can just talk to a women about it that Im interested in and already know; that may solve the problem.
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I noticed with the mental problems; My goal was to get back to being able to physically present myself in front of a women; that was all I needed to do; if I could get that back; I could go form their...
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Its all the same deal; im an injured animal and I want to stay way back in the cave where its safe.
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Do I need to continue; probably not; I mean; I will; but the first present blog on this subject is done. This blog is not different then may of the other blogs Ive written but its the timing of things; Ive moved forward. And Im back. Im back at this one more time... And thats the way successful people do things... Keep at it until the water finds a way of seeping over the dam... finds an opening...
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Im looking for an opening to move forward out of isolation; and its happening... healing up is the answer and pushing the protective wall down that is keeping me from myself and the outside world.
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Its like breaking an egg. Im the egg and the outer shell must be broken that is holding me within but its not time yet; Im not fully cooked.
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CONFIDENCE; Thinking Im good enough. I used to be like this; I felt good about myself and it didnt matter who I met; I was going to be confident and believe in myself. But everything crashed because I stopped believing in myself; I was highjacked by my thoughts that told me the other person would never accept me and other things to create hatred.... between us; so I would be protected. I was protected right out of a life... A false life. So; Ive got to work with God on building a real life down the right path... and open up to it... it hurts and its scut off and shut off and the more I push it the more Im taken back into a childhood I cant bring back to life. Its in my memories. But thats OK; I plan to bring it back to life; its just heart breaking; all of this... But oK; Ill do the work and end up where I originally was suppose to end up at.. Probably more conservative. We will see.
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ITs up to God..
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So I pray to God for help in all these areas...
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Ive noticed so far; the women ive known dont want to Stand behind me as I shoot for success; when they feel that position ; the bulk; And ultimately they get thrown off the train. But its not me that throws them off; its the momentum of their evil ways. They are against me; then they are against God. They wanted men that were inferior. Im not inferior. So; it never worked;
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I remember many women playing me as if they owned me and I was following them because I was weak. I was not following them or chasing after them. I was walking to them because I thought maybe they wanted to be friends. They scuffed at the idea; they wanted to be Wonder Women and see men as inferior. I simply wanted a wife. I didnt want to play games. As soon as I saw them take advantage of their womanly abilities using it against me and for man kind; I turned around and left and never went back. They did not care. they we're all up into themselves.
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I remember one women making me out to be a weakling. I remember she was several seats in front of me with her boyfriend and she looked back at me to wave at me with contempt; like spitting in my face. I remember looking at her; she didnt seem to understand. I was not in her tractor beam; I was not dating her... I simply got up and went to another side of the room . I remember that same women looking at me from a far distance in a corridor and yelling out my name to make sure I saw her and I would not come near; its a kind of man shaming. exposing that she saw me so I better not be a weak man and try to stalk her because she sees me. She was also protecting her mate... So it was a way of victim shaming me. But I was not her victim; I was not dating her. it was in her fantasy of what she saw in her narcissistic self. I assume I saw at some point she was a narcissist. And thats why I backed of. The word narcissist has a whole different meaning these days; It means criminal minded and evil.. a villain; thats what it means.
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IVe dealt with this several times with women; numerous times; the problem was; I was attracting really good looking women but their personalities were dark and sinister. They seemed to want me be obsessed for me and attracted to me. Unfortunately they ate men like the dark side of wonder women...
I was never attracting a nice girl. And that still remains a problem; I continually think Im safer with someone other then a nice person that could ghost me. I guess its easier to get ghosted by a Wh_re then a decent women. im afraid of decent women because I dont trust them more then a Wh_re. I think the wh_re might turn out to be safer. but the problem is; neither of them are nice people. And what Im looking for is a nice person. I seem to be attracting the nice potential within rotten people. And I cant do anything with that... I simply cant.
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So; Ill take it to God until their is an answer; I attract what I am; So the faster I become what I wanted in someone else and climb the ladder of civility the better. I cant expect a civil women if Im not a civil man.
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So; It starts with prayer and working with God to become open again to the enrichment of now. One area Ill be working with God is to work through the pain of being alone; or that feeling off being abandon by my parents.
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One area hitting me is; I can succeed at anything I want. I know that but not all of me is aware of that; the outsides of the inner shell know that but the harmed areas of me; they dont know that... they are protected; so they must heal with Gods help. Not my narcissistic attitude. Ill work with God on it; I dont want to be my own enemy. Not any more.
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I look forward to the day Im able to take care of myself and move forward and backward on my own...
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Asking myself questions;
Im looking back at many of the women I had problems with;
I wanted to be taken care of; I think it was the 2 year old in me. 1 year old... something like that; that basic beginning life level.
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When I developed a friendship with a girl; was I their for her; was I her protector because I was her friend; I mean; I was protecting her because I was her friend. Was I a friend. What is a friend. Did she care about me being her friend. Did it matter to her. She wanted me in her life. But did she want me as a friend. At that moment I clammed up and was not sure what to do. I did not trust her. I just wanted to go back home. But I never told her how I felt. Never gave myself away but she tried to get me too. Tried to get me to be her friend? Her something. They liked me but were never my real friends? I was suppose to develop a friendship with them; NOWAY! I wouldn't go any further; something was missing from my life; a stability I didnt have if things went wrong. I didnt have any family backing; Nothing. When I didnt respond correctly to the person; she was gone!
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In the above statement I claim; " When I didnt respond; she was gone! Is that correct; Well; No. In fact; what picture does this look like. I mean; what is conveyed in my head. I see her as insecure and scrambling.
Im laughing inside; She scrambling and Im thinking its funny. Shes a sitting duck; HA HA HA. To bad; so sad. OK; lets look at that statement. That is an act of abuse and tyranny toward her. Why? because it makes me feel great. I feel healthy and strong and Im Hercules. Fine! Great. Got that anger out; control out! OK; Whats really missing here? My ManHood. Why? Or; How do I bring it back. And Their it is; These slight silent riffs of rebellion against my self or my position of helping someone. Ive turned a corner; turned on myself to establish a kind of freedom. But Ive dissociated the girl out of existence and im back exploring as a 4 year old. what about the girl. And my mind is black in my Home town. Not the town with the girl. OK; Ive dissociated; What do I do? Do I want her as a friend; Yes; No! I had no God to ask at the time.

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It was overwhelming for me to have her as a friend; it was to much for me; it was overwhelming. I could not stay in reality; My mind; I could not do it; it is like it is now; Its like being to sunburned and one cannot go out into the sun anymore. They just cant; they have to go in. I could not be friends with her anymore; I had to leave. Something was wrong. This was not my friend. She wanted something from me but she did not want my friendship. If she does not want my friendship Then I will leave and go back to God. Did she really not want my friendship...
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The question is. " Did she really not want my friendship"; And their it is! Another land mark question. I mean; Im either in denial or lying or something; but I cannot answer this. Even tho I know the truth is right in front of me because Im not worthy to be anyones friend and I would be put on the spot and I could never be the friend she wanted or thought she was getting; never. because I didnt feel good enough because I was thrown away before she met me; Why would she do anything less. She would do the same. And later; thats exactly what she did. She did exactly what I predicted she would do... She zoned me into the harmless immature weakling zone; having no evidence accept her opinion and dropped me as if she was superior and I an inferior fool. I just sat their broken hearted and stunned.
But; lets look back before this; lets look back at what really happened; I abandon her at one point; thats what started this. Before this; she simply would have become my girlfriend and I would have continued as usual; So; what happened..
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ive noticed that in relationships; in anything; I go for a little while then cut everything off and leave; Just as my life was cut off when young and I was forced to leave; And their it is; Im acting it out; all over again. I dont know any other way; nothing feels normal to me..... What is the right thing to do.
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Right before I cut and run; I pull the rug out on everything and stand their waiting to see what the other person will do. And I'm mad at them and they must come and find me and rescue me and take me and hold me; Im 4 years old and they must pick me up and take me home and put me to bed where Im safe and Ill know Ill be loved for the rest of my life.
I have this strange fear; thats exactly what these women would have done. And Im scared because they weren't my parents and this was not my house and I want this dream to wake up and I just want to go home as if this never happened; its all a bad dream and ill wake up and Im at home again and its the next day and Ill run down stairs and eat and go to my best friends house and we will ride his tandem 2 seat bike to his Grandparents house and we will go fishing,..,. and then Ill go home and watch Saturday Matinee creature feature double header.. Have some milk out of the fridge.
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God was and is trying to get me back. Hes trying to get me to take the bait and jump/. jump to a new ship; But something is missing; a mass of sorrow and grief so strong I cannot deal with it. A break in reality. but that break is huge and is a warehouse full of information that must be worked through and sifted. All those moments I never got. and never got to experience. I must face them and look at a them and work through them and write about them and reminisce about them; all of them and get out a thousand losses... Thats me being up to speed.
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I knew something was wrong with all of this. It was never the girls fault; I knew a gap resided between me and the women God brings me. But I had un finished business before I go out with them. and Ive been meandering around instead of getting on it and looking at it. maybe now I can start the process. Well; its not been possible because I would have had to have been in my childhood memories sharp and in detail and that was impossible; way to much pain and damaged and dissociation; its possible now; IT is; to a bit at least; I can go a little further from where I left off before I was pulled out of my home.
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Im not sure about this life and why God is doing all this. I dont understand. I guess Ill keep asking and seeking and knocking...
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Im closer to understanding; Im no closer to being with women. I have to get up to equal speed with them and then understand them. Getting up to speed with them is not going to be easy. I must be up to speed with the person of my childhood. That can be possible at this point with a massive amount of pain and work. Its like climbing steal girders.
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OK; Im getting it; direction. I get it. Whats the next step? I have to get into being NOW. Im not able to do that yet... I mean; I dont know; Ill pray about it; thats where Im headed; back into now; but now is the childhood now; Ill being doing what the child did but doing it now. So; for that to happen; Ill have to accept NOW; where Im at; and right now its still a traumatic bad dream; all of this. How do I accept it. Ill have to work with God to wake up to it.
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The child still wants or thinks hess back home on C street; hes never accepted this reality; Im split into. So; the work has been to come together accept each other and help each other come together as a whole and accept where Im at but live out his dreams... Thats the mending of the fence. I Dont know; Its like being in to places at the same time.
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Not leaving yet; back to women; Ill just keep going and keep writing until I can get this stuff out or accepted. Its not just figured out; its accepting of the truth the way things really are... And thats what Im having a hard time with; Im blaming others so I dont have to deal with reality with the way things really are.
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With women; whats the truth. They wanted a man and didnt get one. They wanted a friend; a trusted friend and didnt get one; I fell fare short. way off the mark short; so short; it looks like I was a thief and a liar. And I really dont like that but I dont know what to do about it. How to go back. And God is telling me; Its to late to go back. Sorry. Im dealing with another human being who has their own life; I got involved with them but did nothing with them. And they finally left. And their it is but I simply cant and wont accept it. Im mad that they have that kind of power against me. Its like ive been abandon but I dont want to accept my role in it that caused it in the first place. ITs as if Im using them as inanimate objects and suddenly they move and show signs of life and I realize; O No; Im dealing with a human being and I cant manipulate them anymore,. And I run off. Im using them. I dont believe I can have any other kind of relationship because Im not worth anymore then that and Im to immature for anything else. Im a 8 year old trying to go out with a grown women and I freeze up and locked up and go into a state of freeze shy bashful mode. Even as I write this a part of me suddenly refuses it. and wants to take it back; and thats the part of me that is ruining everything. And thats the part I have to look at. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde.
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So; Im getting somewhere. Im finding that when its time to tell a women all this stuff; Mr Hyde comes out and Denys everything. Lies about everything as if its never happened. Ive got these 2 sides.
So; at least ive said it. Ive got to tell the women all of this stuff and quiet dissociating it. I bury it as soon as the truth comes out. And the truth is; everything that has been said here needs to be told to her,... all of it. where I cant run from it. I have to start from here; not run away and repeat all this over n over n over. Im talking about with her; Im not talking about when I write. I can write this stuff a million times if I have to. and I might.... Ill keep writing.
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A gulf; a gap resides between where Im at and the women that I would tell all this stuff to. And so; things are crude but their getting defined.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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