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Sex; and; Am I the only one blogging in this place

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jan 06, 2019 1:44 am

Is the art of writing lost! I love to write! I love to blog; I like it allot more then commenting! I like commenting; still; I love to blog.
Sex; Im afraid of sex! Ive been afraid of my manhood with women! Now that Im finely getting closer to inviting women over; I cant get it up anymore because Im getting to old. I have to turn to viagra; but don't worry, my teeth are fallowing out and my hair is thinning to the point of loosing it; and its horrible to try and keep the wight off. I have to be a senior athlete to keep the pound downs; sucks.
Ok; Women and sex. Ive been afraid of sex; has something to do with my mother and losing my house when a was a child. I lost all things and I dissociate; I was erased as a human being as if I was never born or never had a childhood. The psychopath is responsible; And that is what the psychopath does; thats why they kill; to erase, after they destroy the person. However, in my case; I was erased and the psychopath moved on; it mattered not what happened to me or who I was or where I was from or what type of past life I had created; I as of no ones interest. I never had a chance under that person; that psychopath; no one does. and the community doesn't care; its all fake in all directions; all of it; the community image; it was all fake; still is. Pure evil.
So; making love to a women; I feel id have to be a fake and change the appearance of my room. Id have to take all the asian models off my wall in my bed room; pics I mean.
Id have to loose weight. I might not be able to get it up. I feel like I would not be good enough with a women; Low self esteem feeling inept. Id be scared because Ive never really been present with sex. I mean; Ive never really had a sex life. but my goal is to have a sex life again and a relationship life and an intimate life; and its coming!
Id be afraid of getting close to someone and then having to say goodbye to them because they are not the right person; possibly; its better to find the right person and have a longer term relationship. And saying this seems more possible when I get back out on the market.
I learned something new from my sales video's. The main reason people dont sell; they have no one to sell to because their sitting at their desks. They have to go out and find prospects; and so do people that want to date.
And I relate these type of things to a continuation of my childhood and that means Im going to relive my childhood in ways Im not ready for; for I will be triggered when I start interacting close again with women; Im scared of all of this; being that close and feeling all those closed in silent feelings; they will burst out; all the intimate feelings.
And Im scared to death of not being enough; being some wierdo that never did anything in life; and they are going to not realize who they are with.
One area of interest; I can get advice from women on how to handle all this. The other problem is feelings for the girl; I want to have sex; but Im afraid I will start feeling more for her and I cant; she is not the right person for a long term relationship; so; I have to ask her or tell her or do something of that nature with her and let her know how I feel! I immediately see my mother and trying to communicate with this monsters and the horrible life death damage this did. I could not fight back; I was not in control; I was being controlled because this monster had the " mother" position! That is what gave this monsters power over others! It sucks that little kids have to deal with this kind of thing in their own country. These monsters dont care what type of child boy/girl or age; They will continue to destroy as long as allowed; if they are not locked up in a cage.
Its interesting; Im scared to tell women how I feel. I mean; tell them what Im thinking or feeling about the situations; as if its been scared out of me to do so. I will have to work on this; I can feel the fear coming up! This is directly related to the psychopaths of my past.
I have to get practice telling women how I feel about real things; It makes me weep as I write this; the pain and loss and the good feelings that possibly things are coming back in my life for the positive.
So; Ive said it; its a goal; sex, intimacy and relationship; and my feelings on relationship and concern for my goals; Ive got a goals for these things and my goals come first; Im not letting fear or PSTD get in the way or damage my chances of coming back to reality or into my own reality. I have my goals and Im not letting altered thoughts get in the way.
The white cult society; the society of the psychopath.
ITs my opinion that my country is a giant white supremacy cult; I took the red pill when young; forced down my throat and saw through everything; and then I became a minority and was treated like a throw away slave. If your not " white" anymore in acceptance or compliance; your the enemy of this cult. The whole community turned against me when I was being destroyed.
Back to sex. I can have sex with myself; in fact; its all I could do with dissociate disorder; I was so fare gone mentally; I didn't know what was going on. It didn't matter; I was not connected with the outside world. And PTSD keeps me this way; However, it does not control me like before; I know its a lie; a bunch of movie screens taking over my mind and nervous system.

Now; that Im interested in getting more connected with the outside world; Im getting scared because Im immature and afraid; I don't know what to think; Im so scared of being laughed at by a women; a women that thought I was a masculine man; and suddenly, I don't perform; meaning, Im not all here. The dam problem is; Ive almost got all of that fixed; and suddenly, now; lately, for the last year; more more; its harder to get it up. Dam! I cant seem to win.
Im getting closer to facing the dissociative reactionary part of me that wont let anyone get close to me; Im seeing PTSD; and its of a school yard when I was about 11 year old. Im forced to live in a new section of town and its not a good place to live; Im bullied all the time. Its a horrible nightmare; No parents; no one cares if they ever see me again; nothing. and Im being molested where I live. Im in a state of shock and traumatic developmental disorder. Im being destroyed and exploited.
Im even having a problem writing this because of the PTSD being triggered; it wont be long before the bottle breaks and women are back in my life. When that happens; Ill be grieving a great deal.
Why will I be grieving; Ill be close to home; close to a family system again; Ill be in one; and then Ill remember all the feelings my body and nervous system are trying to forget; everything that ran my mind over into dissociation and amnesia. I ended up in several bad places; numerous new situations that turned bad; out of my control; over and over and over; like being in a war I had to fight.
Women; One of my goals for years was to get better at my ability to have relationships or get close to women; I could also say people; but I don't care! I do care about women and getting close to them because Im a man.
Women; The goal with women; to become intimate with them; at some point; I had to re learn how to get close to them and talk to them. However, this has been long drawn out situation; mainly controlled by how well I get mentally; and this means getting better from dissociative disorder; it also means acceptance; I don't have to wait to get better at all mental an personality problems; I have to create a new set of goals and go after them; and I have.
about women; So; Ive recently interacted with a women; best bantering Ive done so far; the goal was a deeper relationship! Im looking to break the ice in the world and make friends I can call! and I have! I got this women's number and called her; she called me back; we are friends; we've been talking; The moon ship has landed; looks like Ive successfully made it to Venus and Im now interacting with the female inhabitance. Ive been interacting with women for a long time; but at a kind of distant level! Or; their married and older then me! This new person is closer to being a friend; she's just a friend; she's married and she is a friend; a friend friend; meaning, Im making friends in the community now and not the drug meetings anymore......
So; I was looking to go in road; meaning; make relationships at a real friendship level; do this before I get to a dating level. This is done through the universe; Ive been bugging he universe for help in this area.
The problem is the PTSD I see in my mind when I think about taking risks in unknown areas; my nervous system freaks out and movie screens of horror show up all around me; reminding me of the past and what happened when I attempted to build a life in this society when I was a kid. I cant tell you what its like; it shuts me down in shock and I cannot see anything. I cant see the goal I want; I can see nothing but horror.
A person has to see what they want in their mind first.
I learned when young that what ever I see in my mind or dream about or own will be taken away from me. So; I have my work cut out for me.

So; the goal Im learning; pic the goals I want and go after them; don't worry about the PTSD; keep at it; and don't worry about all the other goals that come up that I thought I should have by now; the life i should have by now; don't worry about it; just go after the one goal Im interested in and nothing else; one goal at a time.
The goal I want is a wife; it starts with learning how to talk to people again; it starts with practicing social skills; basics; this is where dating coaching comes in; learning how to approach women, talk to them again; start and finish a conversation; close the deal.
Im now getting into sales vids; learning how to sell; I mean at a pro level; Id like to be a pro level salesman simply to learn how to interact and talk to people in a favorable manner as I deal with dissociative disorder.
Im doing meditation along with LOA; getting in touch with my inner beings direction.

Back to sex; Interesting how I just dissociative out of talking about women and sex. My mind would not go their.
So; back to sex; Im afraid; I see my mothers face, my grandmothers house, my grandfathers face and that area I had to live in with no escape! So; sex reminds me of the places I could not escape from when younger; and that truly is a horror show; PTSD is whats causing problems with sex; what Im seeing in my mind is causing problems with sex. I don't feel safe and Im remembering bulling situations and being controlled' thats what I remember when I think about wanting sex; bringing someone into my personal space; I see myself at my Grandparents house where I will be raped and torn apart emotionally and psychologically as if Im in a prison camp. And I will be totally destroyed their.
Sex makes me remember the schooling system I had to go to; but I don't remember anything; Amnesia.
I remember the bulling; but nothing else. only some bulling and other things; but not much else. Horrible. My body remembers the bulling; but the rest goes up into this amnesia white cloud where I dont remember anything, am not allowed into anything, and go blank or unconscious. It reminds me of Novocain.
Sex; Again; I try to talk about sex my mind diverts; sex means getting close to a women that could laugh at me; and I see myself in 5th grade; alone; starting to be bullied' I remember girls rejecting me; and I did nothing to be rejected for. They tried to make me into a bad person; but I was not a bad person. PTSD.

A lot of things trigger ptsd and that ptsd can be so harsh it triggers dissociative disorder and my mind wants to hide instead of relive this nightmare horror.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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