This wont be easy to talk about.. Horrors from this period are holding me back right now; Im dissociating and it has something to do with stopping me from dating or feeling like Im even good enough to date anyone..
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I see lots of picts in my head; a local bully that bullied everyone
I see a sadistic teacher that bullied me sadistically and a principal from that grade school.
I see the other 6th grade from the other grade school on the coast. I can feel the anger and fear welled up in me; remember; as the anger builds up in me Im terrified to the point of feeling nothing; totally numb but the terror is registered all over my body... In every direction; and later sexual abuse... And 5th grade where all of this starts at a more severe level; Im ran over PTSD and dissociating into a dream world as I watch my worst nightmares in this life unfold in front of me and no escape for me; nothing... And then im stripped of my life.
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And after being stripped of my life; thats what I need to talk about....
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I can make a list
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1, fear adjuration from sexual abuse
losing my house
being bullied everyday
grandfather monster pervert; being pretorized every hour
fake grand mother of pure evil; lier cheat
brothers ; not my brothers anymore
false freinds suddenly not on my side
school system against me; how could I have done something to them ; I was in the 7th-8th grade.
6th grade; all of it; 2 parts; in the city at the caost; cant remember any of it in the school system; what does that tell you; I was bullied the first day I got their; caught me off guard. do not remember anything else accept the bullies. And some teachers; but the bulling was suvere because I had no place to go... nothing; and im going to have to work through that possibly see safe places and then theirs my mother the psychopath; living with her alone in that horrible lonely house or area. isolated and her at home; witch... No love; psychopath.... and the alcoholic new father... unbelievable nightmare from where I came from. could not perform in school; zero at that point because of trauma...
back home again; back to the same grade school treated as an outsider and outcast and trouble maker; they never got my hair cut; did it on purpose. the people I was living with. They knew exactly what they were doing; never got me braces for my teeth; had plenty of money. I was being raped and or abused... no locks on my door at night. and other things; being prodded around like a girl; chased like one. This causes massive horror and I wanted kill; blow up the world.
Bullies in this new area; bullies all over the place in this new area living with my Grandmother... She was a witch... a psychopath like her husband. unbelievable.
Best friend; no more friend; complete stranger as if he had never met me...
No more neighborhood.
No more relatives; it was all staged... They were never my relatives.
Suddenly I blamed girls in school who didnt notice me or like me because they didnt want to be friends with me.... I thought about them when young; how nice they were; but they never thought about me... thought I was stupid or worthless. Not good enough..
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later; Ill have girls like me but I treat them like I treated these other girls before this. Ill treat the girls that like me with contempt as if they dont like me.. .its a kind of gas lighting to get them into being the predators that are targeting me and Im the victim who has the right to leave them. And ill take about that at some point; making situations out of nothing in order to leave a women or young women so I dont have to follow through with her... pure coward-ess and ill look at this at some point. but cant follow through.. to much history pulling me back.
innocent of massive bulling when older; 14 to 19.
Mother psychopath at 16 attacking me brutally with sub human words but trapped in a car with her... caused so much damage to my nervous system and my self worth; made me ill.
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All plans destroyed after 4th grade... 4th grade; thrown away in the school system; no one is looking out for me or cares about my grades or what is happening to me.
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5th or 6th grade; trying to care about a girlfriend but I really dont; what good are they; they cant help me; useless. Im detached from that reality.
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Im noticing something about girls; they go out with allot of guys; meaning; one after the other. They dont seem to have any faithfulness; nothing; I notice the girls Im around in 6th grade have no value for me; nothing. and yet Im a sensitive nice deep person... intelligent and innocent and nice..
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Being hacked by the sadistic teacher in 6th grade; Ive been thrown away into the lower level classes in 6th grade; its unbelievable; we did nothing but read this stupid book; thats all; we were suppose to read in class; Im like; where's my studying at? Wheres my schooling; whats going on here; I could not take any of this seriously why should I. well I didnt; and I got hacked at 2 different times; and for that I was treated like an outcast from then on by the other students; but I was a nice person who had been put through abuse.
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Later in my first years at college; it was useless and destroyed before I started; all my college was destroyed from prior PTSD and trauma; I was not able to function; so much rage; unbelievable what they did to me; all of this; college and future ruined... and the abuse continues..
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The point is; all of this is inside of me and when it comes to women; I have no tolerance but Im trying to remember when it started... I can see the anger; Im trying to pin point it; it make me damn mad I cant pin point it so I can do something about it; I know its another part of me that wants me to go to sleep so it can take over and be present and thats the problem; Im no longer present anymore.
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Im purposely passive to uptown new information and experiences in order to survive. Why; when will it end or is it just fun fooling the people around me?
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a girlfriend will treat me badly. She will scorn me and scold me and dump me when she realized Im just an AVPD going nowhere in life. And if she does accept me; look out; Ill assume its to good to be true and she will be going after other guys behind my back; and this posses the question?
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Why am I going after women that would cause me this much problems; well; if I know what their like on the outside and I tame them; I will be safely in control. But what ive found so fare; they cheat; this kind of women... So; that has horrified me and certainly is not what I wanted; its like blunt trauma to the head wound...
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So; Im getting the message; I need more experiences to get back to a point of appreciate the company of a good middle class lady and nothing less... Someone conservative smart safe and of quality and some refinements. A nice person; kind. The problem has been; ive been looking for the wrong type of person. Im getting what I was looking for but they are players.
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The goal is to get what Im looking for without them being players or interested in other men; dont want that kind of animal.
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I hate taking a chance on the wrong type of person. I hate taking a chance on someone I dont know enough about; I dont know if they will cheat under pressure... I want to know first; but I dont. I mean; I want to know Im not with someone like that to start with. I want someone who is loyal and always has been since the day of their birth.
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Im scared when I start asking God for quality women because the first thing they are going to ask me is; "where's the continuous cash flow"; Ill have to work with God on this.
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Im scared that I will be bed bound not caring bout the outside world... She may need to have money....lots of it..l. enough of it.
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The biggest and first goal is to eliminate the stress around dating someone.. Im scared and eliminate everything and everyone before I get started because no one wants to go out with a guy like me; its all negative....its like my mother didnt want me; my father didnt want me; relatives didnt want me; friends got rid of me or were fake friends from the beginning; the school systems didnt want me; no one wanted me.
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I have to get used to the fact that the girl from the meetings; Ill never see again.
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She once was a true love of mine...
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So; Its time to grieve and keep working with God. And move forward; Im kind of excited; When I was a kid; I was moving forward; looks like I get to do it again...
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So; this will take a bit of work to start the meditation process again and align what Im looking for... a little nervous; I dont want to align what I aligned and manifested last time; what a horrible nightmare; I dont want that this time...
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