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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Set backs and goals

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 18, 2014 10:29 pm

So, at the meetings, I brought candy! and the idea is, its my meeting place, I bring candy, no big deal. Your not suppose to go up to me and thank me like Im an outsider! Im just one of the members putting some candy down. However, the chair girl that thinks, her and her girl group runs the place, has her kids thank me and she thanked me, as if I was servicing her and her meeting from the outside; kind a like a plumber who comes in and fixes everything and is tipped and thanked for a good job in a rich women's house. Then, is escorted to leave! I was pushed to the outside with one sick word... Its contempt! its to bad I have to deal with it! as if she owns the place and Im a guest in her meeting.

I see the girl I liked from the meetings the same way as the women chair person today! same attitude. As if they are using anyone who comes to the meetings for there own personal benefit. As if they own the ground we are standing on! As if Im an outsider to her personal world.

No matter! I am still getting better and will continue to do so! The more I give the better I get! The more I continue to participate the better I get!

The idea is; get better from the attention and feedback and start doing things outside the meetings..

Im talking to people, and analyzing how Im doing. Its so hard to stay present with people. I have to practice. ITs hard to maintain eye contact! I loose eye contact very quickly... my eyes dart away, I look down, then I realize Im looking at someones breasts, then my eyes dart up again! and then I look into the eyes of that person; embarrassing..

Im dealing with allot of hate filled women! Man haters; I forget! I think the women I liked at the meetings is a man hater! she's no different then the rest.. I have to remember where I am. The kind of people Im dealing with! I forget. Im not strong enough to deal with them yet, Im getting better.

Some of the male sociopaths are hard to deal with; as soon as I let down my walls, they could careless, they are indifferent and nothing changes. I have one purpose in there lives, to take advantage of me.

The girl I liked at the meetings played me against one of the sociopaths! She did it for the power broker attitude she could convey to her friends. She looked good to the women in the group. It gave her status. When I saw what she was doing; I broke up with her on the spot; this was the last straw, she had many red flag offenses against her. Seriously, I could not believe my eyes. I had no idea this was the type of person I was going out with! I learned... its sad.

She said we could go out but I was not her boyfriend. Im sure if she finds another guy, he will be her boyfriend within a few minutes. I was just getting played. Ive come to the conclusion Im better then the people in these meetings give me credit for; they do not see my value!

I could not read this women correctly; and this scares me! I thought she was Betty Crocker; a nice Kitchen girl! not so! She looks and sounds the part. but on the inside she is just as much a hose queen as the rest of m! She told me this! she told me she was not what I thought she was! I didn't listen... She kept telling me I was projecting my fantasy on her! I was making her into a nice person; she was not a nice person!

I didn't listen to her!

Heres the deal; I keep going and slowly get better and come back to life. Its hard! I keep going anyway!

Goals;
1. Talk to people; keep studying that script. Learn to go up to the person with no hesitation.
2. Find place to practice; I have no idea how to deal with this dismal situation. I don't know what to think! I can't get started. To much trauma. I guess I can work on preying about it, and writing about it. thats the place to start! its hurts so badly! I feel defeated every time I bring it up. It takes me back to the beginning of my life! All the way back!
3. keep lifting weights.. I get emotionally hurt in this life and stop lifting. However, because Im in decent shape, I can get back in the gym and get back in the game! Lucky me! but its not something I want to practice all the time; leaving the gym!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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