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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Separation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Nov 16, 2013 5:55 pm

The child in me wants my mother! However, enough info has been brought to this childs attention; there is no mother! I was brought up or forced to be around a sadistic sociopath; nothing more! F#cking worthless.

I have learned; anything associate with criminals like this; let it go! There was nothing I could do: they were out to destroy and take and dismantle anything and everything that breathed around them; they were callus, cold, with no remorse and no conscious! They stole my childhood and my life; However, they do not know God and they do not know me and they do not understand what it means to be a human being. They never saw me, never knew me! and it is shocking! its horrible! it was all a lie and no one cares if they ever see me again, or ever saw me again! and its so hard not to take this personally! Its mind crushing! Yet, I am forced to take this personally! and I learning to let it go!

Reality is so much different then the fantasy I thought I was living in! I thought someone was taking care of me and loved me. What is so creepy; they were vampires, haters, and demonic elements of a pure evil nature and nothing more! I have to separate what happened to me; from this nightmare!

The biggest problem is reframing; Im attempting to see these people different from what I thought they were from a child's view! Im attempting to see the truth of these people, places and things! and run from them. ( nothing was sacred)! The worthless small town I came from was not sacred after all; neither were the people in it!

Im beat up from the street up! Im lucky, Ive allowed myself to be lucky! and it looks like they will not win! I can't be sure! Im still working on things. I do not know the outcome!

I won't run from something I have no negative feeling for!~ ( if you have no fear of a rattle snake, will you run from it; only when you know it can kill you will you run from it) I must reframe and see these vampires for who and what they were ( they were child murderers) I will feel lucky that I could get out of there alive in one piece; forget about inheritance or what they owed me! Demons do not pay up! its better to get out of their with your life, turn around and never go back and start over somewhere else; feeling safe and complete in a new way. The hardest part is denial! nO one wants to let go of there past! No one wants to believe they came from a bad horror show! Its so hard to deal with!


if I do not see this for what it was, I do not have to deal with the terrible job of grieving and letting go! I have to let go of everything! nothing was as it seemed! Nothing; No one, or anything!

The whole experience was a horrible human tragedy, and a crime! This was way over the head for a child to deal with! Its a sick crime to brake a child's everyday development and put them through a prison camp simulation.

I was not noticed; nothing! A decent person expects others to see value in them; not be attacked or treated like a second class citizen and object!

I was unsafe, tortured, hated, later raped and thrown away! I must remember who I was dealing with. ( I had no idea what or who I was dealing with) I had to go to sleep to deal with these people! I had to go to the sleep of unawareness and dissociate disorder!

There is no need to remember people, places or things from this nature; where I grew up! I was hated in every direction; I was hated by scum bags! I was hated, simply because these are scum backs


I must see them for what they were! they were liars, Godless and nothings! Its not good to give credit to nothings ( its better to come out of denial and see these creeps for what they were)! my child memories want to feel like I was loved. I was not, and the memories or attitudes associated with those memories are wrong. I was never safe, and the people I associated with were not safe for me or children to be around. ( the whole things is so very sad) On the outside they looked good. On paper, they looked good; they were not!

I had no brothers; it was all a lie! They were strangers! nothing more! The whole of my child experience was a fantasy view. The outside world and inside world was never safe, it was a lie!


it was a fenced in lie! nothing was real! I was played like a football in a sport game! I was nothing to know one! it was all a joke! It was all a lie! at one time I knew this and wanted out; wanted my freedom! then I was destroyed again and again! I became a dependent slave!~ I had no life and no freedom and no identity! I had a head full of PTSD and my body was for rent for anyone to use! I no rights! I was a carpet and nothing more! and I hated my life and myself for what had become of my life. I was scared out of life! what a horror show! I had no Idea who I was dealing with; what kind of people!

When problems started, everyone on the outside left; ( the friends I thought I had)! I had no real friends, no one was real; nothing was real! no on my side. I was alone! independence was the only answer, then I was destroyed again! Later I lived in a forced dream world to survive.

Im attempting to get over my past and live again; no easy climb!~ The climb is always to steep and seems impossible! I have to reach out for Gods help! its all despicable.

In the end I think or believe if things continue in this direction; I win! I come back, come back to normal; to my life, separate myself from what happened. This horror that I was subjected to as a child was a very gruesome thing, and move on to a real and better life around real and better and normal loving people!

I was scared out of my wits; panic was my only friend; panic and confusion. Confusion of self and surrounding, I was scared out of the very fabric of life. I was scared out of the right of my own physical movements.



Look back and let go of all to it; nothing was real! it was all a lie, and all players in this play were false actors playing a false part! when the fun was over, they packed up and never came back!

I never came from a family system, I never came from nowhere. I had no real family or friends or acquaintances or brothers or sisters or relatives; I had nothing. The whole thing was a sick joke made of jokers, nothing more! A circus tent that came to town then left, left me on the street corner.

Im attempting to be me again and look back at what happened. Im just starting this real journey. ITs heartbreaking. The faster I can come back to reality and let go of people, places, and things that were unsafe the better. This will take the remainder of my lifes work!

One problem; The criminal!

They suckered me out of my inheritance. Im afraid this happens. Im not the only one.. It happens because they are tricky! and you don't think this will happen to you! They get your trust, then its all over! they lay wait for you! they've been planing a way to get it away from you! They do this because they are sociopaths! they are liars and thieves; just like Judas in the bible, they are the same type of demonic animal! And, you are not prepared for them! They are lies!

SO, I have to trust God and walk away from them. Walk away with nothing, knowing they filled their pockets with my loot... they were never friends of mine, nor cared if they ever saw me again. The whole thing is so ######6 sickening and horrible!

However, It looks like I have a chance to regain my life, if I can face the humiliation of what these people didl; and look at my roll; meaning; How did I let them get near me to destroy me! its not about right or wrong! its about learning! next time I can learn to stay away from people like this. They are not my family or my friends. nor ever were! they are sick sociopaths and nothing more... They are not human!

The problems associated with these people has been (taking any of this personally). And I have to stop this. It was not personal! and I must keep working through this stuff and the past that I choose to stop taking this personally. I have to work my way into a new way of thinking.

The history and the truth! nothing was personal! Nothing was as it seems. The family members of this family were never safe, never on my side and not family members. They were a form of sycophant or sociopath! There is no good reason to ever associate with any of these animals ever again. They are not human. I will learn my lessons the easy way or the hard way! something will wake me up! Im hoping its a thought and not a car wreck!

I was set up and destroyed! Part of this was random! these sociopaths did not care who they destroyed. If you had been in my place, the same thing would have happened to you! age means nothing. If you are protected they can't get at you! if you are not protected, you are destroyed. They care not for the laws of God, laws of man, laws of the country they live in. They are the purest form of evil and deep criminal pathology!

Im attempting to separate myself from this past; from people!

Im working hard in many arenas to get the courage to look at this stuff, face it and run away, that I can gain my sanity back; and understand that no one has the right to hurt me! No one was on my side and I did not come from the people, places or things I thought I came from. No one loved me, I had no family or friends! it was all a lie and all a ######6 joke. I want so badly to feel nothing associated with those people or that time. I want it all to disappear ( every memory), and I want to run away with no guilt or attachment to that period.

I am a little boy inside trying to accept reality! It is very hard and very lonely! I love God, and must make a trek out of this insanity!

Life is confusing with PTSD! the past comes up and must be worked through!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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