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self image

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 16, 2016 9:35 pm

Im moving forward quit steadily! Everyday is seeing some kind of new change!

My recovery is micro! Meaning, its very rich small steps!

What am I dealing with or fighting for;

I was thrown away at age 10 in a most gruesome subdued fashion!~

I was thrown away much like a serial killer throws away his victims! He gets done with his business, then, simply opens the moving vans doors, and throws the body out within a bag, into an open field in a remote area! I can assure the viewer; from my experience with psychopaths; they don't care!
The victim means nothing to them!

And I as victim; I meant nothing to the scum that throw me away! What I didn't know; " dat was it"! I was finished off! No more family; nothing!

TO the Present;

Self image;

Lets say I want my soulmate; she is of high value and intelligent! She is waiting for me! But what is she waiting to see! She is waiting to see a man much like herself; intelligent of high standards!

My self image was bad for several reasons! I was pummeled psychologically and destroyed when young from every angle, from the community I was in; this is from the psychopaths! They ruined my name in the community! This is not abnormal! Its brutal and vicious against a child; but not abnormal for a sociopath/psychopath to commit against a child!

My self image was buried and I was destroyed! That precious self image is coming back! Its strange, no strength! It came back when I was in high school, but did not stay long; no strength to maintain it! It worked! I had a high level of self; and attracted others of high level; but it fell through! When I could not produce the goods of a high level person, I collapsed inside, and reverted back to am 8 year old; literally! I remember! I receded back to a beginning age! It was horrible! And sad!

Here I am again! And codependency ruled my life for most of it! If you liked me; I felt safe, if you were important to me and hated me; I collapsed inside!

Unfortunately I came from a nest of inhuman psychopaths/sociopaths; So, their would never be any further relationships with any of them, or any for the surrounding community or old friends who were never friends! Fair weathered friends; thats all!

I did not know I came from a place that was not permanent

I am trying to get self back from what happened! Im trying to get the real me back with they help of 12 step groups and other counseling places! Im trying to get self back in the face of having almost no development as a human being! I never got developed! instead, I held it in; all the ideas and goals and things until I got older! but that never happened! I was thrown away!

So, Ive been stuck in this horror pain amplifier called life!

Now, things could be different if I can get the deeper resentments out of me!

Im attempting to let go of the old past family system and everything associated with it! and its happening; it is hard! grueling!

Im working through every name and date and time of the old! and its working slowly! Im slowly letting go of all things remembered from the past!

The problem is; I must keep working at keeping a high standard view of myself after I get the neighborhood and old community out of my head! Ill be starting over; but starting over with what!

Im trapped through PTSD; my mind goes to PTSD before it goes to reality! my mind stays in my mind and creates the outside! My goal is to bypass the PTSD and actually go to the real outside world!

Id rather jump off the rock and run outdoors n play, then to stay affixed on that boulder and think my life away!

So, its up to me; but first, the past must go, and I must have a group that supports me! and ive got enough people in general; bodies, that show up to meetings and other things to support me indirectly! However, they can be rude at times and not want to play along! its working tho! most try sly things to get out of being subordinate to my cause! but God makes me win in the end! they are supportive and I move on from their to other, better things!

The main goal is goals! creating goals for myself and getting use to it! meaning, getting used to believing in goals and the goals I set for myself!

For example; maybe I want a beautiful mexican wife with long flowing black hair! Now; if thats my standard; I have to be an in shape intelligent person if thats the kind of person I want! and I have to become popular if Im going to meet her! she is not coming to my door! I have to go out where the people are!

So, I have to become more sociable! and I have to know what Im looking for! In my imagination, I have to know what Im looking for! I must let the idea of this soulmate sizzle in my imagination until it starts to grow wrings and walk! and talk! Soon, the body, and hair and face, and look will sharply appear as if built in clay! clay molded into a person!

All of these things I must do; much like a 12 year old in a good family that is learning how to set goals for myself for the first time!

Many things I have to learn about setting goals and watching them grow!

I must keep at it! not quit! no giving up! and I dont sand haven't! the idea is to watch a goal grow and then work through the doubting part! once past this, I work toward the idea that its fact; its already happened! all I have to do is make a phone call and pick up that package!

The point is the work; Im working through what an 11 year old works through when he gets his first job doing something for money! he saves for things he wants! and learns valuable lessons on how to become independent from his family! and Im learning the same things! it hurt; it used to be heart breaking! now Im better and stronger and it just hurts! it hurts because its a sign Im leaving home; even tho I have never really been allowed to be at home!

And I must work to forgive all from the past and forgive out the past family system I came from! they are strangers to me; I never knew this was the case! Now I know! complete strangers and not safe to associate with; they are sadistic! and will rope you in then take advantage of you! This is how I had my inheritance taken from me! However, now I know what a psychopath is and that they have no remorse for anyone of any age!

So, its up to me to " come back" to self! then start from there! and thats what Im doing! and its hard work and lots of people do not want me to succeed! they get jealous!

Anyway; the goal is to work through codependent stuff until I can be free and clear then start over!

Here is the point; with no self image, I ended up on the streets because I was brainwashed into believing I was a lousy person! and I only had the thought of the streets on my mind!

Now, as I get better and move my mind forward; its important that it moves forward into something!

Its important that it gets put back upward and not downward! instead of seeing myself as a down n outer; I need to see myself as someone at the swim and tennis club! something upper!

its a chance to learn how to regain my self respect and self image!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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