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self centeredness and recovery

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 04, 2013 4:39 am

Im still lonely, life is still a struggle. I continue to get memories of my early life! A life I wanted to develop. The idea was; when I receive support I will develop. I had great ideas, and wanted an independent life like anyone! It never happened. I was living in a dead house of demons, While I loved God! I never knew until it was to late. I was destroyed..

I am lonely as I battle back to life. It is not easy. Im used to nothing being easy! Its a fierce battle being alive!
I was hated and rejected at every turn when I was younger! decent innocent sensitive people are hated in this world; it is incredible! Satan is in charge of everything it seems, its his world and most people that I meet are working for him; they never knew! Not everyone. Im not trying to go pathological on this subject! I believe many people are on his side more then Gods and they are not aware of it!

ITs better to struggle within a group, then struggle naked under a bridge in the winter time!

I believe its essential for anyone in the recovery process to belong to a 12 step group of some kind! Or something similar where there is no cross talking. Where there are dances, and bowling, and get- togethers, and conventions. Some place with a group of people with similar struggling are looking for recovery!

Ive noticed how self centered character issues are pointed out to me! No one actually comes up and says anything, I listen to others stories and hear my story! Im so caught up in my own pain, that I cant see past the trees.

I try to keep a false face up, that others wont see that Im wounded! It would show that I'm weak, and I don't want others to see this because I have contempt for them. Im using them like pawns! Yet, Im getting better, and this thick delusion is slowly fading, fading to a point that I do not need to use people before they use me!

ITs about being wounded and nothing I can do about it! and not ready to admit to others, I still need people to much to be friends with them! I still need to be loved that I love myself.

I am slowly reaching out, shaking hands, getting hugs, making social mistakes.. Im slowly working my way in the real world, to a new way of thinking.

When I work things through in the real world from a recovery standpoint, I learn to be safe in the outside world again; then I start to see the truth!

Im finding people do not hate me like I thought they did! I thought I was a threat to people! Now I think they are less scary! Red flags do appear! I have to be careful. It means I need to be in a group of people on a regular basis to get feedback...

I have to keep lifting weights and loose weight! I need to loose 10 pounds. Yet, its hard! and driving me crazy!

Its hard letting go of the past when you know it will never return. You never wanted it to end! and you were to young to process what happened to you. Now I have a whole head full of unprocessed information! Im waiting for it to work itself out! or reconnect and be worked through and vanish! so much fear, terror and humiliation associated with these memories. Perpetrators and there crimes, and I was attacked when I was sick and weak and could not defend myself, or I was to young.. The whole thing is so sick, and Im so sick that these type of sycophants were ever allowed around me!

I was brought up by sociopaths, therefore, my life was doomed and I never knew it! I know it now, and I have escaped their doom. They almost got me. I went down with the Titanic, God resurrected me from the bottom of the ocean and helped me walk back to civilization! I am permanently changed with damage!

Im sad and so sorry! sorry for a life like this! Im so sad because 1o,000 people would never make it, never survive what I was put through! IT feels odd and alone in many ways. I still feel like an alien on mars.

My life died! Im now in Gods care, and I need not forget this, nor forget where I came from.

Sometimes I cruz the teenage suicide or bullicide videos, these keep me inline, and help me to never trust this place ( the world) or forget what happened to me or where I came from! And never forget that anyone can turn on you! nothing can be trusted! only God can be trusted, nothing else. This does not mean I hide in my room. It means that people are an evil lot, and you can never tell who you are dealing with! and I still head out word, outside, for recovery!

A life can be built out of this mess, and that is what I intend to do..

It is better to be a live rat then a dead king!

Im preying for places to create music stuff!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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