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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment
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Self Actualization

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:21 pm

Self actualization used to mean many things... today it means something totally different but the same.
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Who do I want to be when I grow up; I want to be me; the original me; the one I remember... The one that got hurt but remains...
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Im working through the horrific sadness. My goal is to become myself..
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I have allot of pain to work through. Allot of loss and confusion. Ill stay with God on this... I was thrown away so many times... Why?
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The goal remains; visualize my first love in my imagination until all is cleared up; and smooth... a good relationship where I showed her my love for her and loved her with all my heart and poured it out all over her and told her everything..
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Im a 7 year old who got destroyed; its way over my head; the fear and pain and terror and no place to run or hide or talk about it... I need help and want to be rescued. Im only 7. But Im to scared to trust the women God sends me; Are they from God or are they from the devil like my mother and Im going to get destroyed again... All these other adult women who destroyed me or tried to when I was a boy; are they all like this?
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Im to scared to take a chance on them that I might be destroyed...
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Im only half developed and doing this visualization work is helping me become more developed.
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The goal is to stop hating... I mean it. but Im not their yet. Im learning how to love through my imagination; its working but will take much work... it hurts; I dissociate; its ruff; It will take time. As I love again I see my childhood and time spent at my friends houses; good experiences; and suddenly it hurts because its gone. but its not gone. Its part of me; and that part Im trying to get back; but the child in me is scared to death of being destroyed again where he has to disappear deep into the system where he is safe but no more... He was cut off from me the last time. He does not trust me or the world... So; Im trying to get inline with God so he will trust me and believe me that Im trying...
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The real me is remembering simple things; like playing bad mitten or basketball or volley ball at night in 5th grade or 4th grade at school... in the school gym... But looking back at it; even now; I was dissociative then... I Was weakened. The nice life I thought I had; something was weakened. I was being thrown away and ignored. But; I remember it. and that niceness is part of me... and its slowly coming back. Its not the past; its me... meaning; the past is me... Its not the past; its just me; my memories; I was a nice person; very nice kid.. really the best nicest down to earth. Nice...
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A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be... I want to be back... be myself again.. That would take some work getting me to a higher level; but possible. My problem has not been with my self worth; it has to do with dealing with a world that will not see my self worth or anything else.
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Its like im dealing with a corrupt world; and that is something I cant fight against. I wont win against that... Trying to get a corrupt world to see my worth; why? So; I hide or go away...
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Ill keep at this; working on myself until the real me shows up.
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Tonight a women insulted me several times; making me out to be a loser.. It caught me off guard; but Im used to being attacked. I was talked down to... horribly in a way; her opinion of me; that she disapproves of me...
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Ill keep working with God and keep working at this regardless; Ill do it anyway....
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The number one issue is visualizing my first love until that relationship is resolved in the positive and is pure love... No more hate... No more....
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The number 1 Goal is to visualize my first love where Im loving her and that is all Im allowed to do by God; nothing else; If Im feeling anger its because Im lazy... and no place for it; it has to be turned over to love because she didnt deserve it because she was not my love yet; I didnt Teller; I was just a person hanging around her... a stranger. A stranger actually; just some quiet guy hanging around her not going out with her but hanging around her... suddenly the key to control came when I could make her wait for me... and thats how I was sadistic and abusive toward her; making her wait in this bigger narrative. What sucks is I had her in the palm of my hand the whole time; my future and I ruined it completely for both of us... Ill have to look at this..

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"What sucks is I had her in the palm of my hand the whole time; my future and I ruined it completely for both of us... Ill have to look at this"
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Ill have to look at this; The first thing I want to say; I switched into TV mode as if I had no future and I was back watching TV shows at home with no future; so I flipped back into TV mode; its a kind of coward-ess fear... Yes; Im getting somewhere here. Pure coward-ess fear... I had a place to run away and hide; scapegoat out of this... Well; scape gaol out of here.. like a bully who got caught; Yes; manipulator; I was manipulating because thats how I got treated; I was rebounding against how I was treated when young... Yes; I was getting back at past bullies by bulling her; Yes; pure bulling; same tactics of control taking over; on purpose... Okey; Anger rage hostility; control; contempt; hate. Hatred... Im attacking her? yes; out of hatred for what they did to me... Im attacking her because she is closest to me; a stranger I can get away with it; it wont matter; no one will find out; I have a victim... Im a criminal... All of this hatred coming out; deeper horror; Im in real trouble having all these problems from a deeper level where Im holding it all in; all the abuse I went through. Its coming out on her...
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I see her as my mother... Im taking it out on her because she is another mother... she is another mother; fear; Im feeling fear... I want to hide in her. Im a child; small child acting out... I just want her to hold me and take care of me... all the fear and pain and loathing...
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I want to be loved... loved loved loved loved loved... loved loved loved loved l loved loved.
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loved. she can love me... she is loving me; she will love me because I loved her and can love her..
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When I first met her; non of the stuff was coming out... it came out later because I didnt ask her out. This means; I had a time period to asking her out; thats why I was up there; but I didn't ask her out; and I didnt tell her why.
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I didnt tell her why I didnt ask her out; That would require courage and I had no courage... I was stuck at my mothers house in this new city... I didnt want to leave my town... not again... I had no where else to go... I was being dragged all over the state...
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If only I could have told her... but thats ridiculous to say. If only I could have asked her out...
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A time period existed... God brought her to me; brought us together...
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I took advantage of her...
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SO; Ill continue to write about this; why is all of this important; Because it reflects on how Im treating people today; Im doing the same thing to people today and I must learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them.. thats what im trying to fix...
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Trust God,...
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So; Im in a different kind of pain now.. As I look at what Ive done theirs a kind of squarely pain... Im also seeing other teacher abusers abuse me and I have to dissociate because of it.
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So; Im seeing that I have to cover up what others have done to me because I had no place to report them; nothing... I had to cover it up; hopefully it can all come out...
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As for this girl.. The key to all of this is; get the stuff out to a point where I can talk to her.. go back to her; talk to her; Assuming Im at that time period... and tell her first; that I like her and want to date her; Get honest; admit why Im their.. and then talk to her and work with her; let her work with me... That is what God wants....
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So; the humiliation of being bullied and abused in different forms by different people is also coming out; surfacing...
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The key to all of this; God brought me this girl for safety; for a place to hide and be loved; it was inline with God; God wants me inline with him again; back inline. I didnt just hurt myself; I hurt her because of my abandonment of her... And their it is; I used abandonment as a weapon... And I have to look at the deeper parts of that. The point is; its insane; what I did; I want my sanity back so I dont keep doing this or do this again; I want my sanity back to I can lover her again... I want to love someone new again. I want the independent ability to love her again; to love again because my mother controls my outside world and who or if I can love. im still trapped by the abusers; I am still under their control as long as I DONT take care of all this past stuff..
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I want the independence to love someone again... thats where all of this is leading and it scares the hell out of me. When I write like this I see bullies breathing down my thraot from the past.
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Im seeing where all of this is leading... My independence right now.. meeting new people; dating new people; falling in love with new people; I see it... not yet! I have allot of work to do..
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I want to feel what its like to be her and what I did to her. I want to feel what its like; what I did to the last women I met by ignoring her for months and months. I need my sanity back please.... Im causing strangers pain. I have to remember; These are strangers. What am I suppose to do here. Do I owe them amends?
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Whats my real motive. Ill tell you want my real scary motives are. Did I really cause them pain; I mean; did I cause them harm... I need my sanity back to talk to them... I must remember; I did not have relationships established with them... I ignored them or abandon them.. IS this my fault. Ill talk to God about this....
I had no business leading on my first love; that I already know; pure evil on my part; pure sadistic evil abuse abandonment; planned out...
What about recently; was that abuse; Ill look into that; with this last women from the meetings... what about women before that from the meetings.. I have to look into this..
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How am I suppose to act in recovery toward someone. How am I suppose to act...
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I dont have the right to go around hurting people; and their it is; thats the sanity that has to come back; but any women that gets involved with me; takes taken on a joy ride to hell emotionally... she gets pulled into my old narrative... The question is; whats the right thing to do. Do I owe her amends. Has she been hurt by what Ive done. And I suppose to go to her and clear this up... ? Did I harm her... I am not suppose to harm people.. Thus; I owe her an amends... But; only if its safe for me to do so...
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Ill pray about all of this...
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One of the shocking horrors of all this; dealing with women; Im just a 7 year old kid who was watching horror movies at home and the next thing I know Im in new cities with girls who are in love with me.. And the real me is still 7 years old back home. And all of this I have to look at; over n over n over until I get a grip on what went wrong here and what is going on here...
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I want all of this worked out so I can date again... be me again independently...
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I want the pain from hurting others in the past; I want it to stop; I dont want secrets... and I dont want to think its Okey for me to cause others pain; I want my own behavior controlled or stopped; its unethical. Im finding victems and taking it out on them. Ill pray about it and pray to God about those I think I have hurt and see what happens; what God will do... It may be to dangerous to go back to them...
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So; assuming the person is safe; make continuous amends to them to keep things strait. Keep my friendship with them strait; keep my personal baggage from overflowing on them; keep it out of their realm...
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keep the civilized person on one side and the savage on the other.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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