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Schooling; and why its hard to talk about

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:47 pm

The schooling experience was destroyed; destroyed in the end by the psychopaths! Psychopaths erase; they leave no trace!
The schooling problem hit me hard! No one was looking after it! it started at age 4 and 5; and then 6! I remember friends at school who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up! and I like them; I wanted to know what I wanted to be when I grew up! Their was a hidden problem! Their families were looking out for their schooling from the beginning! No one was looking out for me or for my schooling experience from the beginning! I was a throw away child; but did not know it! By the time Im in 2nd grade, I have to take summer school! not because I wasn't intelligent enough for 2nd grade! seriously, who flunks 2nd grade! I guess some might! I did not finish my school work! but I did not really understand this problem! I ended up having to take summer school to finish! and again in 3rd grade and again in 4th grade! However, in 4th grade something is missing; Im getting older and now something is wrong; gap is appearing between me and the other students; mathematics! Im not in any mathematics classes! something is wrong! Im intelligent! Something is wrong! Im not being noticed for my intelligence or potential! The strange thing; my friends were! they were being noticed for their intelligence; they were moved into the smart kid classes! I did not understand when I was in grade school! It seemed, I was just bidding my time for something greater later on! However, now I know that the other kids were doing well in school so they could have a greater day later on; this occurred because their parents made sure of it; made sure they were directed correctly in school! I had no one looking after me or my schooling but didn't know it! I knew something was wrong; I knew in the 4th grade! but no one was telling me anything! I had no feedback, I was neglected! I was rejected. I watched allot more TV and lived through the TV shows; I wanted to be what I saw on TV; that was my reality! I had no reality outside of that! TV shows protected me!
5th grade! I notice the ability needed; application; to apply oneself! One needed to apply themselves! I didn't apply myself! I didn't care! It was an apathy of confusion! I was confused and stuck; the problem! complete neglect! I had no idea what was going on! I was a throw away at this time and I was 2 young to deal with it or know how to define it! I still had dreams; up to about 5th grade! However, my age as a child was outgrowing the limited awareness of a small child to believe in TV shows as a holistic approach to life! The fantasy bond Television had created in my younger life was falling apart!
^In the 5th grade comes the separation of my mother and father; what does this means; it means; I know what they are! I finally see them; they are monsters! Im in complete shock! this means nothing is safe and nothing is sacred and everything has been a lie; everything! Suddenly everything starts to make sense! and I realized; I had been lied to; their was no real father here! and no real mother! My mother wouldn't do the unthinkable and give me away!; that was my fear; I'm only in the 5th grade! but that is exactly what she does! Im gotten rid of; the house is sold, and everything I own is stripped away from me; their is no trace of me; nothing. No trace that I was ever born or who I was born to! I was able to secretly hide a plastic Batman helmet that fits over your head! I got this in the late 1960's! I still have it today; it is the only thing linking me to my childhood, or I thought!
So, 5th grade; Ive flunked out! or barely made it out! As for 6th grade; Ive lived at my fathers, but it doesn't take long before I have a nervous break down! I'm in the 5th grade! Ive already had a few breakdowns from the time they started separating! no one cares! and no one cares about the breakdowns at my fathers place! I have no choice! I have to go back and live with my mother! so, Im now at my mothers at the coast, she has moved away and left everyone from my home town! I have to call her or find her; actually, someone else did the calling and told her she had to take me in; could have been my Grandmother! Legally she had to!
The coast is a horrible place of raining and no place for a boy to do anything! it rains and rains and rains! Im lied to about the coast! she tells me lies about it in a positive sense that do not exist! When I get their! Im alone with her in a large house; she has married a drunk a year before! Im in shock over this as well! Im in the 6th grade in this new place! I go into immediate shock and stay that way the whole time; I am bullied at this new school! I am 300-400 miles away from my home town! it rains continuously, it truly was a hideous place! unbelievable! horrible! Im in traumatic shock over being in this new place and several things that have already happened. I am in shock and mentally ill from what has happened in the past; Im 10-11 years old! I flunk out the whole year! They have no choice; they have to send me home to my home town! I end up at my Grandmothers house! I am raped and abused and controlled and Im treated like a girl by my grandfather; chased and prodded ! touched and controlled like I was a girl! I cannot tell you what this did to me! I become deranged; and their is no escape! and in school, Im now back to the original grade school in my home town; However, Im now being treated like Im a trouble maker in school; Im hacked and taken to the principles office and threatened to cut my hair and that Iim being blamed for what goes on with the other kids in the school if theirs any trouble! I'm sent to the stupid classes! I basically pass but I don't! but its pass fail! I passed! but Ive learned nothing! They moved me on!
Im living at my Grandparents house! Im in a new neighborhood! I don't know anyone! I have no way out of this place; this life! and I cant go home; their is no home anymore or mother and father! and no more way of life from my original neighborhood! My best friend from my original living area makes it clear that he goes with the neighborhood! Since Im not in the neighborhood anymore, he treats me like he's never met me before! He's no real friend of mine! its all false! lies! Im heartbroken; I thought of my best friend as closer then a brother! in reality, he is a manipulative rich kid that was using me the whole time; so was his family! They had me around to socialize their son; once that was over; I was over! I was indirectly asked to leave and never come back; I was used then dismissed!
Im bullied in this new neighborhood, at my grandmothers house! I try to fit into the neighborhood but Its a lower class neighborhood then what I came from; I was not prepared for it! I don't have a chance to survive! Im in more shock! no one cares! no one has asked me a thing on how I feel! concerning all the losses Ive collected! no one cares about me; nothing! I am no one!
in the 7th grade; a new kind of bully takes over, a sociopath! and Im stopped in my tracks and confused! Im in throw away stupid classes for un motivated students that will probably not go to college! This is happening to me but Im not aware of what it means yet! I will flunk out of 7th grade! the teachers treat me like Im a fool! The eight grade will be no different! However, starting in 6th grade or 5th, mental illness is beginning to show up! and in the 8th grade, Im turning into what appears as a bad kid! the truth is; Iim being ruined and destroyed and no one cares! Im being judged by the people around me and the teachers around me as a bad kid! They don't look at themselves as someone that did not save me from the abuse that was causing all this! they are evil; I hope they rot in hell!
I finally decide to go back to my mothers on the coast, I have no other place to go! I have to get out of this house where Im being sexually predatorized! I finally make it over to the coast again! I miss my parents and I dont understand why they are not around me! I dont understand why Im not wanted; I dont understand what is going on! Why am I not liked! what is wrong here! Later, I will find out exactly what is wrong and it has nothing to do with me! Im simply with predators; thats whats wrong!
At the coast, at first, I meet my mothers new husband! he's a pencil necked geek! I know she is using him for his weaknesses and his money and social position! ! and it works; she's seduced or manipulated her way into yet, another family system! For the first three months, it will be OK for me; but its not; I meet a girl up the street; my brother knew her brother! I will fall in love with her; she will be my first love! but it wont get started right or get off the ground! Im to chicken to kiss her; i dont feel good enough; she's so pretty! I wont do anything with her; Im to bashful! and at that moment its over! yet, I dont underhand this! I will continue to try to see her for 1 1/2 years! but because I never make a pass at her or tell her I like her! nothing ever happens! she waited a long time for me or was open for me to tell her how I felt or make a pass! I never do! I chicken out! Im finally branded as a weakling by her and her mother. the point is! this situation was actually over within a week from when I met her! I prolonged the agony because I didnt know better! I needed a friend and a new family to be around!
My step brother; he's about 4 or 5 years older; has made it clear, Im not wanted in his fathers house and I better not touch anything that belongs to him; Im rejected or dejected! my mother knows this is going to happen! she planned it this way!
Im turned on in this home and not wanted; not at all, never was! and my mother knew the whole time! its game for her!
Im being bullied and flunking out of school in the 9th grade! In this situation; Teachers get involved! they've said Im an intelligent person; their not sure what is wrong with me! Im flunking out! this is because my mind is filled with trauma and I cant interact with anything! The only thing I can do is play drums in order to escape! Drug use is starting, picking up! I started using drugs at age 12 simply because no one loved me; I was a throw away; so why not use drugs, who cares!
by the time I'm in the 10th grade, the girl I loved is long gone and Im written off; I never really ever see her again and no one cares accept me! Im heart broken more then everyone in the world!
My mother is a psychopath and my new step sister; she is older; 27; she is starting to see this for herself!
Im flunking out of 10th grade; they do something shocking to me! they put me in remedial classes as if Im retarded; unbelievable! shocking! Im a brilliant person! the problem is; no one is their to defend me! defend my position! Im simply being thrown away over n over n over again! No cares.
Drug overdoes, bulling by coastal sociopathic thugs, I cant function anymore; my nervous system is shot! by the time I'm 18m I'm an old man! 11th grade; I know what my mother is; I dont have a name for it; but I know! I demand to leave! this is not fit for a young person to live in! I ask if i can live with my best friends back home! some how she arranges it and Im gone! Im in complete shock, long term PTSd and dissociative order and clinical depression! Im beginning to show signs of severe mental illness! It will now get worse from here on! My mother never allowed me to live with my best friend! She did this for political reasons to hide that she was a psychopath; thats what they do!
At my best friends house back home! Im not wanted their, its nothing but contempt! they are well to do rich people! I was written off long ago! So, my condition is getting worse! no one on my side! nothing! and these people think Im stupid retard! its all beyond my wildest horror nightmare; what is happening to my life! and how I am being treated! Why did these people take me in; the only reason I asked to live with them is because I thought it would be safe; I would be around someone that loved and cared about me; the real me! unfortunately, it never happened! I was scorned with contempt by these people from the beginning and of no worth! why they took me in is a complete mystery to me! My mother paid them to get rid of me!
Flunking out of high school!
And to my shock; its pointed out to me that Im not going to graduate! Im in shock and completely demoralized! How could all of this happened to me to my life! I hunker down and work with the school and pass high school! I shouldn't have barely passed high school; I should have been a strait A student from the beginning! Im bullied at this school as the others! its all a horrible nightmare ordeal! These are no friends for me; However, maybe one; a new one!
So, Ive learned nothing in grade school or junior high or high school! and now I have to make decisions on getting a job or going to college! are you kidding me! I never processed one day of my life; and they were all taken advantage of by the scum filth forcing me or controlling me; bounding me. My life is one giant ballon of brutal murdering hate and war ready to burst!
I have to process that I have no father anymore or mother anymore and their never was any, or brothers or friends or school, or anything resembling what I saw on Television!
I lost everything; all support, all dreams! When your dealing with a sociopath or psychopath! Their are no relatives. The relatives of this filth would not associate with them!
You dont walk up to me and ask me about my relatives! relative to what?, the blood line of a bunch of psychopaths; they have no bloodline, their are no relatives that want anything to do with them! I have no relatives! nothing! completely alone! one more demoralization for a child; not being good enough to have relatives!
So, I am completely alone in the world accept what is new or brought me by God! and I did not have God! for a child gives up on God when this happens! all I had were my friends; but they were not friends; they were the rich! They slammed their doors in my face as soon as their was trouble in my life! These older children started resembling the same nature of their parents; that they were superior to everyone else!
The general public is stupid! they are blind! they are of no use or no value! I come from the psychological class or trauma class of people! I come from the poor; no mercy, not the lower middle class, upper middle class, rich! I do not come from these caste systems! I come from nothing! I come from no one! I come from the poor; but of the psych caste of people; the trauma caste. I did not say what the psychopaths come from or their relatives; but I am not connected to them!
I come from the class of those who have long term PTSD!
College! Spun out of control!
By the time Im 18 years old, Im almost a psychopath myself! almost; sociopathic savage! Im ripe for a civil war, to fight! my mind is gone, weakened to the point that I cannot stay present! Im suffering from shell shock, simply because Im alive, I have no grounding, ho hope, no home, no loved ones; nothing! Im completely alone; Im a throw away disposable child; but did not know when very young! I remember when I began to realize it! the fear setting in; I was 7 years old! and the finality of it; at age 9! At age 9 Im thrown away!!
You are thrown away! I am thrown away by the knowledge that those throwing me away are in-human or non-human! It is not the intent of the sociopath that is the worst ; what matters is; they are sociopaths; this is what the child realizes! The child realizes very quickly that those who are suppose to take care of you or look after your health are non human; and are not safe! In addition, the child recognizes that these are the worst type of humanoid to be around in this country! these type of humans are not safe! Its the worst nightmare for a child! its like waking up into a bad dream where the people you are living with are child killers! and you have no escape!
Every possible nightmare a child could conceive; Ive been through many of them! and my body and mind and nervous system tortured onto exhaustion; A type of exhaustion that does not bounce back! So tired and exhausted! to horribly tired and warn down! it never stops ever! Im better now!
Collage? I should have been in a nut house! but no one cared about me or what happened to me or what was going to happen to me! I did not exist! I existed to no one anywhere! I mattered not to anyone anywhere! if I was alive or dead; not a pebble on the ground would utter a vibration of difference; it truly was as if I had never been born; and this is a great indifference and silent aggression from this society; country, against its innocent people! This country ia a hidden murderous place! A place of sociopaths! monsters come out of the seems of the fabric of the night; at every chance!
If you are not lucky enough to be born into a nice family; its over for you! their is no chance! I know! As soon as the neighborhood sees your a trauma person; a trauma victim; you are not one of them; they slam their doors in your face and lock them; matters not if you are innocent or young or under age or a child or being stabbed to death in the streets; even with your death-calls as you are being destroyed; they ignore you until the morning; their doors will not open! for it is oK for them that a child die that they live as they wish! pure evil; all of them! unfortunately, they train their children to do the same thing!
I was never suppose to be next to a rich neighborhood; it was by chance; a fluke ; that is the only reason! so, the friends that came from the rich neighborhood were fair weather friends; regardless of how long I knew them. When I was being abused no one cared about me; I was in that neighborhood by chance; Technically, I did not come from any neighborhood. the psychopaths used many different neighborhoods as a stop over when bouncing from house to house! I had no idea I would not be living in this neighborhood! I thought it was my home town neighborhood, but then, I thought my family was like the families on TV! I was wrong on both counts; I was 2 young! I was a throw away child! I came from no home town or neighborhood! I came from nowhere!
The middle class people are your enemies, not your friends! their neighborhoods are more important to them then the children being destroyed in them! Its a well kept secret because the middle people of this country want to keep up appearances!
College; My mind was ripped to pieces long before college years, more importantly, my nervous system was ripped to pieces; their was no room for learning anything and or interacting with anything! I could not learn anymore or interact with anything like books or pencils or computers or anything! I could not be under someone else command or control; like a teacher; it was impossible! it triggered to much stuff!
No one cared!
The only thing I knew; go to school like everyone else! impossible to be around all those people after what I had gone through for my earlier life! My country had betrayed me! My own people destroyed me but also, because Im a child; this is an act of immorality; to destroy younger people or children!
This country and this society and the people in it are liars; they will take everything one has and rip it to pieces; they were turn and take my story and dismantle it, twist it backwards, throw it back in my face and make it look of no value! I will be made to look stupid and of no importance! they are evil and will trample me under their feet, turn and tear me into pieces! The rich will do the same to the poor and everyone and everything; for they are evil! Im talking about a culture!
Ive found that when Ive discussed this with other rich people or society in general; I get the same response; they have a smug superior attitude like; " better you then me, this just proves we are superior, we are lucky and never got hurt like you; by sucks!".
College! No chance for me! I am destroyed! I tried! impossible! to much rage and to much PTSD!
I flunked out of all schooling when young! In college, it wasn't any different! I was flunking out all the time, and never finishing any classes! I could not work! I had no idea how to kiss up to other people doing things like a slave, like I was owned by someone else; not after what this country put me through, it was not going to reign me in with shackles and make me an indentured servant!
I will not give in! or be apart of this place!
I was very destroyed and mentally ill; I could barely hang on! no one cared!
I was in and out of school; non of it made any sense! I should have been in a nut house for a very long long time! I used school as a place to go! I did not know what else to do! I was completely derailed from life!
I flunked out most of the time and would repeat classes, I had no idea why I was their or for what reason! I was trying to hide or look for love, look for anything that could make sense out of my life! I was looking for relief of my life. I assumed; if I could act like everyone else; Id be everyone else! What I didnt underhand! the school system is not for trauma people; its for regular people! trauma people dont do so well in school systems!
I would go back to the same school over n over over, alive at my Grandmothers, I would repeat this process a hundred times; no future, no idea what was wrong! I knew the anger coming out of me!
some how I tried to gather some type of goals, but their were non when one is suffering from long term PTSD! Going to school would not solve this; and the heart brake of losing everything human that I loved; it was all stripped from me!
In and out of schools, no rhyme or reason to be their; nothing!
year after year of nothingness and no goals! nothing! no one cared!
I finally started going to the mental health facilities in my area to be diagnosed! I spent a year in my grandmothers basement alone, suffering from clinical depression; I finally ran out of their to the nut house to be evaluated! and so it began; I think I was 20 years old! It was 1983! I was put on medication for PTSD! but in those days, no one really knew much about it! They finally started to accept it in 1981; and this came down from pressure from the Vietnam vets! Allot of our modern psychological help we receive comes from the pressure of the Vietnam war! The vets were suffering from large scale PTSD and demanded help! This brought PTSD to the awareness of the publics eye!
So, In and around and flunking out a million times of college; being clinically depressed; ! some how I continued and after about 4 years of walking around in a daze, I tried one more school, or university, and flunked out! and; hide again somewhere else for a year, and tried school again at another place, and would flunk out of that! it didn't matter, it was all a joke! several years after this, I tried again and again and again! I finally landed or ended up in some small public state college university! I graduated from that place! I was 30 years old! this; 12 years later of nothing but waisted time and uselessness and a useless life! I had no purpose or goals! I was just wondering around. I just wanted someone to see me and love me; to belong somewhere or to something normal! My schooling was destroyed; obviously! My mind and life were spinning out of control and had been for a long long time; in fact, I had never been present past 4 years old! it was all a form of far reaching dissociation!
At the ages of 11 or 10 or 9, I began to de-compensate. I become depressed at the age of 10! before this, it was a kind of fear terror! but at age 10, a horrific kind of warping to my personality and mind and emotions! I was getting mentally sicker! I was getting clinical depression! but the time Im 16, with the losses incurred, it will be full clinical depression! a very dangerous time for me! I could have killed myself at any moment during that first year of it!
School; I graduated from college 12 years later! 7 of those years were running and hiding; I was not in college for 7 of those years; I was hiding in someones basement or house with mental illness; I had no family, I had the maturity of a broken 7 year old and the gap between reality of a child and adult was so wide within me; I could not see any future for myself; nothing; no vision, no goals nothing! I saw the broken landscape I came from.
I did not know how to set a goal and it mattered not! I only wanted what I loved to come back from the past! that is all I thought about; nothing else; I was broken hearted and wanted to die! no one cared! the psychopaths were long gone! its as if I was born into nothing and no one!
So; my GPA at best was low C! or 2.! I am an intelligent person! In the school system; I should have been a strait A student! but the trauma kept me out of performing; it protected me from ever reaching outward and grasping a goal and going for it or after it! I could receive an F grade from a class because it was easier and safer! No way could I put myself outward into unsafe territory and go for a better grade; my PTSD based conditioned nervous system would never allow it; it was like I had on a strait jacket that would not let me free.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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