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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Scared!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 20, 2012 5:21 am

My life had no hope.. My life reminds me much of the civil war in syria: the sadness. I write about this because it is in parallel to my recovery. Syrian poor were created by the rich: Just my opinion.. The sociopathic Godless Elite of syrian culture working with the states leader created this horror show called civil war... These people care nothing about blowing children up on their bicycles with big bombs.. First they take innocent people, starve them into fighting, then blow up there children... Nice!

The point of the above story is that I went through my own Holocaustic Genocide. Possibly not the vision shown on an LCD screen of the traditional Genocide; However, same principles.

I was destroyed as a child.. No one could bring me back... My mind was destroyed.. It would continue to be terrorized and ripped apart until I became many alters to survive. So much long term deep PTSD saturation and scarring; later I wolf be fully psychotic. So much pain horror and rage; beyond comprehension. CPTSD mixed with sorrow.. A women told me when I was 16 that I was the saddest person she had ever met: the result of living with sadistic sociopathic Americanized Euro Colonial Elite.. Butchers of a deeper cutting Satanic nature.. I would rather deal with the fellas in the jails, then with these people. No heart, killing the hopes and dreams of children for sport. These people were sadists, subtle about it: slow death.

I had no memories until a few years ago..

Im getting better.. much better.. Lots better, way better...
Im getting better to the point that it scares me..

Reconnection will be the result of 15 years of recovery work... One would never believe this is possible. my mind was clinically gone! My core was unattainable, tI was ruptured self. Rarely have I seen anyone come back from where I've been... yet, surprisingly, one is what they practice. after practicing recovery work for 15 years obsessively, Im coming back to self connection.. Connection with the original self... , society, God and others. the bridge that was blown apart from my early child hood, is or has been worked on: recreated by God, it is beginning to let traffic across its concrete drive ways.. connection is beginning… very slowly, half hazardly and cautiously. Its been happening.. I've been present to witness it.. the rupturing of self is disappearing. Im starting to go back into self. I honestly have never heard of anyone doing this. Most stories are of people who end there lives.. Most I read about do not come back like this.. I could be wrong. Im not sure of success rates at this level.

Im in the beginning stages of believing this is possible. My alters believe what is happening because they are witnessing this.. They would never believe this unless it was real. They do not believe me, they bypass me... they have to find out for themselves.. God and the outside world with recovery is bringing us back to life.. Its unbelievable. I was going to die because this could never happen to me.. It is now happening to me.. I have no way of explaining all of this... it is heaven on earth... As I am becoming a new person ( Ive become a good soldier and can now survive in the field) I am person without a past. the only past I have are the people from the 12 step groups I've been with... The rest of my past is history.. that history is before, or from before.. The 12 step history is after.. The child in me is allowing me to see the child memories because I am safe... This is going to be an interesting life that remains.

THings have to be different then before. If I am to interact with others... I cannot be destroyed like before.. I have God and recovery process with me this time.. Lucky me or I would be dead. Im beginning to loose fear of people.. Its very small in nature, yet, the fear is leaving.... Or Im getting strong enough to resist... Or I have confidence in responding..

Reconnection is a miracle for someone with 100% dissociative disorder. I could not talk for 5 years.. ages 16 to 22… Those with dissociative disorder will understand what I mean.. And again for most of my life, I was lifeless and could not talk.. When I started the 12 step groups,. I wrote things out and read them. I could not talk.. Its a dissociative thing.. One goes through such trauma and abandonment, they stop everything, including communicating with the outside world. I cant talk anymore.

I have much work to get back to the starting line. My dissociative disorder separates me from those that I could develop relationships with. I have no way of getting close enough to these people to tell them what is wrong. They assume Im purposely trying to ignore them. they end up hating me and never talking to me again. Usually these people look at me with contempt fear and scorn… This is frustrating. However, I don't feel sorry for them, i feel sad that their is connection loss. Its a 50 50 deal! if an individual cares so little about me listen to judgment instead of truth, possibly they are not worth my time, and I was mistaken as of there value..

I pray God will help me to let go of mangled potential relationships and the blame for there demise. I pray God will bring healing to the other people; that they realize they were never rejected by me, it was never about them, it was about my problems. I pray that I find new people for new connection practice. I know God does not bring me more then I can handle.

Life is a lonely affair. I have seen to much of it. I did not know we were no different then the animals in the forests; Now I know.


I have to hold on to my original plan of being involved in the arts, not give up.. I was going to be an actor, that is what I wanted to do with my life.. and a painter.. i need to keep this stuff alive. It is very hard. It is very important. I will pray to God for help and guidance.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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