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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Sanity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:51 pm

More sanity is taking place. More of me is coming back, its a very nice thing, its a very strange thing.. I've worked relentlessly for 15 years on this stuff; some of those years were extremely difficult and brutal. I never thought that I would be. My mind is moving back into alignment, However, damage has been sustained. Im learning to live with and accept myself and the limitations of that damage..

Sanity is returning to me... Im not the puppet I used to be. Im starting to know who I am... And because of that Im not taking anymore attitudes from people.

However, I find myself in the most strange difficult situation: What to do about the idiots that Ive been associating with... Not everyone is an idiot, However, a number of people think they have it going on. Believing that Im a dumb ass and a fool, many of these trilobites try to play out the superior emperor role upon me. Im looking to forward growth that I may say good by to these sycophants. It will take time. These weasels are a a sure footed lot of nothingness, and they feel the same about me; In the face of reality I must leave at some point..

I hate associating with people that hate honest people!, or people that destroy innocent people. I hate them. I forgive everyone!
------

They come at me like vampires when they know Im attempting to go through my original developmental stage... They come at me like war...

They hate it that I have the courage to develop, they want to stop me...

so many would like to see me go away... So many are attempting to control others and keep them under there thumbs.

Im hated by those that control others and want to get away with it. Cowards that wont see the light of day.

I am wrestling with those cowards... Im like a 9 year old wrestling with adults... I need help and I need support to keep going, to keep growing... I understand that my parents wont help me... they never did.. They are dead.... Ive always been alone.. Im so sorry that my brothers were never with me either... I never knew this.. I always thought they were my friends... they were never my friends.

My best friend was a fiend. He was never a friend. It was all a lie... I was always alone... How can a group of people do this to another human being. How can they destroy another person then witness that death; help with that murder. Why did they try to murder me.. jealously I guess, as if My life had any direct or indirect influence on them; it did not..

I was alone living on my dreams with a solid building to live in as a child. It was that building that kept me alive. Much like the sanctuary of a church... That was my strong hold, and the friends that I met as a child. I was independent as I felt safe at times and had a mother and father in the house with brothers.. Then it was destroyed... No one there cared about me.. My whole life was destroyed... Every dream and hope and ambition. And with it all friends and hope that I had met. The neighborhood turned on as much as my biological upbringing ( I don't want to call them family, they were no ones family, they were not my family, there were a bunch of jackals, nothing more).

Im attempting to wake and, see what happened, deal with it, feel it , explore it and then move on some how knowing or accepting what happened and that I was robbed of the most basic of human rights and needs. I was robbed by very vicious and bad people. And they turned out worse... That robbery mangled my life.. And they never paid, nor were they taken to jail.. If they didn't want me, that was fine!, They had no right to kill me..

Know Im attempting to come back and stay... with the understanding of who and what I was dealing with..

What kills me is; the friends I supposedly had, I can see them in my mind as close friends, and I can also see when they turned on me; tried to blame me for the abuse I was befallen to. I was shocked when this happened. Now I know better: they were never my friends, never really close... They never really wanted anything to do with me because of there privileged background. Once you start getting abused you belong to a new culture.. The privileged will have nothing to do with you... They keep there upper middle class standing at the price of your blood. Your no longer wanted around, or in there house or in there lives or in the same neighborhood. You have been thrown out for good.. And none remembered by any of them. All that is left is God..

So I continue a lonely existence with God.. However, there are good people. Many of them, and they have helped me... And for that I am grateful...

I can see the great divide in my mind... The collapse into the abyss; when I lost myself and my memories of myself.. Now I am willing or able to look back and possibly go on an expedition toward the idea of that trench abyss that someday I may enter it and look through its belongings.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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