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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (956)
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- July 2019
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Safety Dance

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:40 am

Im trying to hang in there and learn how to be me around people; The human race is simply unbelievable. I trust no one!

Ive never seen such betrayal in the Universe except by the humans. Its beyond my comprehension of understanding.. One rip-off artist after the other, after the other, after the other. Im wondering if the society has any other identity. Its like being in a world of murderers... Living among them, attempting to work around them... Its despicable at best.

Im beginning to question people; Question them in my own way. Im walking up to them and facing them. Im getting sad results. No one is real. No one ever had any interest in me.. Im either used or not wanted... Sociopaths! Bling!

On the good side. Im starting to call people on there behavior!, Im finding that most were liars and thieves, it was never about me.

If you don't like me!, what where you doing around me in the first place. Why are you in my space! What do you want. This are the question I'm pushing around people. Im beginning to question behavior. Im confronting them. Im learning how. Its actually a horrible thing, as Im finding people never liked me or wanted me in the first place. Im afraid people value one thing; strength. If you die tomorrow, that does not bother anyone..

Im in that slow death march forward; alone. always alone. People might smile, its fake, its for there collection of popularities, nothing is in it for me. Its empty! most people don't want to be found out. They want to lie, they don't want me questioning them to deeply, or they will be uncovered and loose control.

I need people to express my identity and feelings with. Ive been pushed out of society in every direction. Im not sure why... The inside of me is innocent... it always has been. It always will be. Its being protected. Im being forced up the latter from the gutter. Im forced upward to find more civil people. I never wanted it that way. Im not liked, Im held with contempt..

----
I have to let go completely when I don't trust others. If others are not willing to work with me to find a solution, I need to take that as a sign that " its over" and move on without looking back...

I might get to the point of asking someone why Im not important to them, why are they treating me the way they are. However, this would be good practice, and for the sake of practice, I will do such things, as I am in the practice mode of life. However, the answers are gruesome... I am not around people that value me as a human being.. and this does not change regardless of the status latter I climb. Im shut out in every direction, I will get stronger, and I will have to find new people to associate with. I was hoping that the broken would love me. They do not. I simply do not understand this.. I am judged and hated...

I need more boundaries and sanity. I might think I need more strength, however, its the direction of that strength that is the problem. Im always playing into the hands of the monster. I have to be corrected that I don't run towards the monster. I wish I had one friend on my side. I do not. and I do not know why!. The people around me do not see me as worthy, they see me as competition.

I have God!, Thank God. Im on my knees to God all day long... worshiping. This is how ones tells God that you love him.. He is my master, I am his slave.. I go to my master that I be fed... or when Im Fed up.. Which is all day long.

lots of people smiling at me, no ones heart is with me... Yet, Im with them, or there heart. No one wants a real connection with me because they have safe connections, they don't need mine. I am expendable. The are privileged to have any family that is kind to them... They are privileged to have any friends.

I refuse to be popular within groups.. I refuse to back down or give up my own views... yet, I am hated by my own people. It is very tiring and exhausting. A terrible thing.

Im around people to make friends. I make none.

Girls don't take me seriously. Its a horrible effortless waist. Ive attempted to talk to women. Im shunned. Yet, Im the most decent of people, honorable, respectable and decent.. means nothing in this land of lawlessness. It doesn't mean anything to girls. Girls seem to respond to strength. When you don't need them and can walk right through them. That is when they look back at you. How F@cking horrible is that. That means if I don't get to use a women rape basket, she has no purpose. That is basically saying the same thing.

I need a better quality of people. Its unfortunate that others see or feel no worth in me when Im in there presence. All I can do is clam up and go away and pray.. God has allowed me to know that I am to be taken seriously for who I am on the inside and nothing less.

I cannot have a relationship based on deceit and lies.. Ive met so many women that are into power. Im hated by them as there manipulations do not work on me, Therefore I am considered of no status or minus status. I am hated and loathed by some of these people.

I have to remember that Im practicing.. God is allowing me to practice.. Im an 8 year old inside practicing the things I missed when in trauma. Its hard and its lonely..

As for women; most don't want an 8 year old in a mans body, so I get used to being shunned...

Actually Im the best man a women has ever met.. They have no discernment.. They would never know the difference. For those, I practice with and move on..

God did not teach these people lack of discernment, they taught that to themselves.

It would be so nice if I had someone at home to feel safe with. I have no one. I have God. I wonder why I am being rejected the way I am.. I dot understand... And I do not understand why I am not treated with the respect that is due me..! All of this is not right..!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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