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- July 2021
4 days to go; back on Facebook
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What car to buy
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The hard work of things.
   Fri Jul 02, 2021 4:56 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 23, 2012 11:26 pm

When dealing with people: they will set you up and burn you.. Its a way of life... They see me as a sucker when I trust them.. They have no integrity or dignity.. they are un dignified people.. Trillions of them; most of them in my opinion.

As I move up the later of people.. Meaning, getting to know people in the future... I have to learn to not trust them. Do not let the child out around them, only the adult... When Im around safe people, that is different. . However, I don't know what safe people look like..

What do safe people look like, as Im tired of getting burned, all the time... The child in me with the PTSD is the one that suffers, this causes great anxiety, anxiety at the level of killing myself. I thought about the rope today as I was walking around in a daze... The anxiety levels, so disabling, and so high... Enough to get the rope and die... Thank God Im on a disability... I would never make it having these problems and dealing with the outside world. In fact, I was homeless in a park, the last time..


Bicycles are an important part of my life... They just are..

I decided to get a few credit cards and buy some bikes.. It did not work out.. I no longer have the bikes and I still have to pay for them.. However, I am a good boy, intelligently: I started paying things off as soon as I bought stuff. Now, I have three months left to pay and Im out of dept.. That 1 credit card,, the small one, payed up. the other one is gone... And one more to pay up and it will be gone... and Im back to saving for things using cash. It hurts... It will be a long time before I have a new bike.. I like expensive bikes; I am a mountain biker... Im learning to buy a few good bikes, and a few boring cheaper solid bikes. I use the basic bike for everyday use and the more expensive ones once in a while when the mood hits.. Ive learned to take my bikes up the stairs to my apartment, not lock them over night, or in the day time; I have lost a few bikes lately, learning my lessons the hard way.. It was all dissociative problems that got those bikes stolen. I've now learned, I take it out of the apartment. I take them back to the apartment. No in between lock ups..

Im in great pain. When others see that my relationship with them is to grow; they bolt, they are worthless looking to get ahead at my expense.. When it comes time to pay up, they are gone. Liars and thieves. Nothing changes... However, in great pain, God is still building the bridge that will connect my past with the present that I get stronger and over come this life... It is slowly happening. It is very painful..

Ive come to the conclusion that I cannot date women from my meetings. They have no dignity. they don't understand dignity... They want a raping Neanderthal to take care of them... He brings home the money and the control/ The women manipulates the emotionally and mentally 12 year old neanderthal..
When I show up, and I think attraction is occurring.. I simply give them my number and tell them to call me.. They don't, they wont be in control, and they never wanted to be my friend... if they did, they would call.. instead, they want to play games. Games Im not into, nor can my emotional state afford..

Im not sure the kind of girl I want.. I attract women because they find different aspects of me attractive.. Im going to really think about the kind of women I want in my life.. I wanted broken people that would love me. Im getting broken people that manipulate me and have no value for me, they have no dignity.. Im a bit shocked.. Im not sure what to think!

Im trying to look at the bigger picture... People are Evil, many of them will set me up, play me, groom me, and when it comes time to back it up, they are nowhere to be found.. Its obvious to me they don't want a relationship...

Im not sure where to turn except God.. My nervous system is destroyed.. That is the way it feels. I hate the idea of bringing the wrong people into my life, having the PTSD problems agitated to the point that they have to leave. If they have no dignity and or conscious, then what is the point.. I would rather find out first if I can trust them.

I have to prepare myself, keep my sites on God, not on people. People are treacherous. they deceive and lie.. They will look at and act innocent to pull me in, then when Im in to deep, they will begin to play games and abandon and lie... There just playing me... and this can go on for months and months... These people don't care the kind of pain they create... There looking for a sucker like me...

I have to learn to keep my nervous system out of this.. Or, I have to learn to keep me out of this. I have to find away to find decent people. Im not sure how... Or , find away of testing the situation for a short time, then deciding if I want to participate or not... Im not sure.. I just want to be safe around people that are not trying to hurt me or cause me damage... Im not sure what to do.. I have never found anyone that I can trust. People want control... The whole thing is confusing to me....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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