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S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

Social success and interaction is upon me. Its not all that it is matched up to be; meaning the process; its scary and Im vulnerable and its scary being in a position of vulnerability; I had to deal with it and think fast and I did; and I had success which leads me to more personal interactions with people and more indentations to other people and places and things and events. And the more I open up; the more they want my attention.... and they open up and get more personal...

So; Im in protect mode; Im not shy concerning the case of this writing; I was thrown away from a family system when 7-9; on my way out as the family system was internally being destroyed because it never existed in the first place.
I was innocent and uncorrupted; unfortunately I will be turned into a foster child and thrown away; no one cares if they ever see me again or what happens to me; Im abruptly gotten rid of for good... no questions asked; Its kidnapping is what it is; its the same thing but done covertly in order to be destroyed by others and the community; or the community shuns those that are destroyed. if I had friends; I have them no more and they were bold enough to tell my it was my fault; Im a bad person and deserve it; this coming from the fine established suites n ties and black business dresses walking around who own your local houses and in your local neighborhoods; unbelievable. In my opinion; the whole lot of them are murder's.... all of them; anyone that participates with or accepts the deranged horror's done to children that cause they're permanent disfigurement; or their different forms of death... I remember one place I lived; they treated me as a slave; a second class citizen; actually; they all treated me this way. I had nowhere to go; no home; I had no choice....
Here I am now in recovery; Ive been closed off inside because of dissociative disorder...
In my recovery process Ive also success based thinking; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; and other books and coaches on the subject.
I have dreams and desires and Im slowly watching them manifest in front of me; thoughts become things; no easy task with long term PTSD CPTSD problems.
Here I am in the present; Ive been working for 4 years on social; that I can come out of isolation and be part of the regular world again; what does this means; its means Im not alone or hanging out with bar hoppers or thugs or D.O.C. recipients at meetings. It all helped; the meeting; but its time to go beyond and go back to the real world...
So; How is this going to work; Im so scared and shut off and shut down and closed in; Im like a walking introverted cave.
Well; Thoughts become things; I have to imagine what I want; and Im fairly good at it; I know how to do it.
One area of social is talking to women; I have a hard time; a very hard time with this; It's scary; but it's scary talking to anyone; its uncomfortable; Im not shy; Im sensitive and have been destroyed before by human beings and I don't trust anyone. Im naturally trying to protect myself from more interactions that will trigger flashbacks and overwhelm my nervous system.
I saw a picture in my head of what I was looking for, 4 years ago; ultimately; it was interacting with others; close up with success; this means seeing them; meeting them; talking to them; but not from a victim point of view but being my real self.

It's not easy; no matter where I go; and I judge others; how they look at me... how they ignore me. How they treat me. I watch and perceive. At times I test the waters; but not so much anymore..
So; Ive been going to allot of events through the 12 step groups I attend; more then Ive ever before. in this last event; New Years; we had karaoke.. I walked into the room with round tables; about 50-60 people. I saw filled tables and felt left out; I headed toward a table free of people. I sat down. I felt less then; humiliated; but I was still present and didn't leave and trusting God. I looked around; saw the food; but my personal stuff down; headed toward the food...
I saw a hand go up from across the room. I was being invited to a table. what a nice feelings; I jumped on the chance; ended up around some friends.
The girl next to me was single and wanted to sing karaoke. I was nervous sitting next to her; for the obvious reasons if you know my background around women and people in general; getting too close to anything freaks me out. But I hacked it out and went through the hellos; how's the weather; and that feelings of staying nervous after associating with someone for several minutes without anything to say; but the salesmen in me came out... and I hardcore'd it; and kept at the social; over over n over coming up with things to say to stay present and locked in my place; not going anywhere.
I ended up with several interactions with people; more then friendly; more friend like; real friend like. Being part of things...
The next day; several women I sang Karaoke with; we found each other and started talking one on one socially; And let me say; that's what I was looking for; that interpersonal ability I had missed since childhood. Anyway; I was socializing with them...
We talked about singing and guitar; and came up with the idea of playing our own music at the next event. And then came up with the idea of getting together to play guitar songs and sing; and that was yesterday; and today; Ill take my guitar to someones home with 2 women; one picking me up for the ride, and we will be practicing together; all three of us; at a personal friend level.
And all of this took place in 2 day period...
Im am protective not shy; I have CPTSD and get triggered and that is why Im don't like to be around people; they scare me and my flashbacks make me blind...
So; anyway; this chick; one of them Im to play guitar with; calls me to check on the times and songs and then starts in talking to me; we talked for about half hour on PTSD and others stuff; becoming friends. And all of this in 2 days.
The last time I could be this social or not shove others away; age 14; but I was destroyed by that age... and no one cared.
All things Im discussing; are not random. Ive been planning them for a long time; working on them; writing on them; studying success that I can participate in them and it's coming to pass because I'm working at it. However,
God brings the opportunities when Im ready and before Im ready; and I must grab ahold and go down the stream....

Having a strong family system again is another goal; for I came from nothing; I started out with the right idea; but it burned up; all of it; and I watched it burn before my eyes....

Many people like me with my background end up dead sooner or a later; suicide in one form or another. Ive witnessed enough deaths to understand that; thats not my direction and thats not what I want. So; where am I.
Ive Im not killing myself; what direction will I go or can I go. My younger life was based on the idea of having a family protecting me and taking care of me; instead; I was gone for good; thrown away and that was that; then I was a nowhere child belonging to no one on earth; in fact; I was not a child of anything anymore; I was nothing to everything and had no identity; like as a horror nightmare and a continuous pain amplifier; at least in heaven children were cared about.... And at some point; being in heaven and off this horrible planet was all I wanted; I wanted away from all the murder'rs...
So; what happens when death is no longer a valuable choice; its means; if I am to stay alive I must have a plan for living; how could a dissociative like me come up with that; well; I learned; its like being a blind mind and learning the routs of a city.... My head is in an altered state do to trauma and not present; certainly not on anything in front of me or the present life.... My mind is mostly on the past; trying to fix it or deal with the pain of flashbacks.
So; I have made plans; studied how to make plans; how to manifest plans like the rich manifest money. Ive studied and done several things to learn the craft of manifestation; the magic. And so far it is working.
Social; that was my next big goal; simply because I want my Asian wife. I have to come up to speed to have her... And the social is creeping in all around me; so it begins.
And I should say; my social; that Ive been working toward; the real start is January 1 2020. I started loa work in 2014 January 4th.
Its been a mixed back of confession; LOA because of my dissociative disorder. But; things are working though... One must never quit. when an opportunity strikes; and takes me into a a completely new direction and several manifestations can be accomplished or on there way with a moment.. .And thats what's happened to me for this beginning round of real connective socializing

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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