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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Resistance to having a girlfriend!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 30, 2018 12:35 pm

I acted like or thought that; " I didnt like this girl or that girl or the one hang'n from the ceiling or the one stand'n in the spider web! In reality; I liked them all and I knew it! I like everyone; Im actually a nice person who has nothing against anyone; what I do have against are the psychopaths from the past; and these are not " anyone" because these are altered humanoids that don't fit into the " anyone" description!
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The point is; Im afraid to be in a relationship; or actually, Im looking forward to it' but theirs resistance; I realized; the child in me has never ever had contact; outside contact with my parents ever! He never came out because their was never an opportunity created for him; because they were sociopathic and psychopathic; psychopaths! He never came; ever!
aited patiently! but the time never came! He thought it would because the tv shows indicated that the mothers and fathers in the sitcoms; at some point; they come out and help their children and contact them; meaning the inner them and help them! I was a child; so, when it did not show up each year; I assumed it would be the next year; I assumed they were like the parents on the sitcoms! In reality, I began to fade away by the 4th grade; 4th grade indicates big big trouble! I had been neglected up to this point! My life was completely failing in every area! I did not understand; in reality; I had no one; never connected! And these are the present problems with having a girlfriend! Im defensive! Im working on it!
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In a strange way; not having a girlfriend is a cadillac problem! As I come out of amnesia from dissociative disorder and remember more n more; and as I get closer to other; better quality others; I begin to want what they want; However, Im hitting resistance! So; I mean; this is better then amnesia! However, its a big problem! So; I have all of my childhood and teen years to work through; In general, to smooth this out enough to be able to inner act with a women and have a girlfriend! Im stopping myself!
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I have to work through the horrors of hardened hatred from my past where I was not protected ever from anyone or anything!
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My father falsely protected us for his own narcissistic reasons; he was having fun and we were is objets; his kids! But we were more toys then human to this monster! He never gave off any signs that something was wrong! and something was wrong the whole time; I was associating with a sociopathic potential serial rapist of women! He never gave off a sign that anything was wrong because he never lived in the past because their was no past for him; he made decisions for the thrill of it and never looked back regardless; unfortunately, most of his decisions were concerning with anti human behavior; or against others or to cause harm to others or ignore and neglect others at alarming levels and rates; However, to talk to him on the street; he was charming! I watched him charmed saddened lonely college girls into his apartment for sex! He was dress like them; their age; act like them! charm as if he had empathy! They never knew he was a predator! He was; completely! It was the winning or capturing of a person that turned him on! the using of another person against their will by grooming them and exporting them without them knowing it! The fact he could continue to get away with it was his thrill! He was a pure sociopath! Unfortunately, I saw him with his masks down; something no human being should ever ever experience in this life time; Its like being a death chamber and being exposed to Zyklon gas!
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The point is; I have allot of baggage thats stopping me from having a girlfriend; and I have allot of resentments against the human race at a deep level and I have allot of alibis that I use as excuses not to be in relationships ever again with the human race! However, thats the hate part of me! the other side of me wants a girlfriend! So.................................................................
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The point is resistance! Ive had women come up to me and want me now; I didnt take them! this is recently! Im not sure those doors are open right now!
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I have this feeling the universe is going make me social again; at least enough to have a girlfriend! This will take a lot of work!
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Im working on love connections with my future girlfriend! It will happen!
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One main problem has been seeing it in my head! Im interested in an Asian-Hawaiian soulmate! And this is a strange thing for me to visualize! Im not sure what she looks like; I have to go through with this and not worry about " how" she is going to show up! and I have to work on how to approach her and talk to her when I meet her; I will say this; the more intelligent the person; the more we are on the same wave length! Ive found extremely intelligent women to be of the mosts attractive! the kind one looks into their eyes and can see all that vast brain power; thats the kind of women I like! So; I must add those qualities in!
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Ive met several women; numerous women with a little bit a that spice that I like and a little bit of the other! but no one with all the traits Im looking for! Or they have brilliant minds; in the wrong color bodies; their white! and I dont want a white girl! I want an Asian women! I dont mean to be so blunt about it; but thats what the oracle told me when I took the psych test!
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The point is; Im interested in letting go of the past and regaining my foothold into now; and that is happening in many areas these days; However, its at the begging of this journey! The next big thing to conquer is personal relationships and this form shows itself in nothing better then a girlfriend! a romantic relationship is where this is heading!
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I should say my general relationships and conversations are picking up with regular people; people of a better quality!
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A gap resides between where I want to be and my Asian girlfriend; this gap is about the horrors I experiences when young; they have to be felt and grieved; and let the pain float away after I sit in it for a while and feel it!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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