My only interest in women is dating; I do not want a bunch of girls as friends unless Im already established the ability to date who I want to date!
.
When I was 14; I was very popular in school; one of the reason; I had met the need cheerleader of the school; that summer; and loved her with all my heart! I have to stop writing as I write this because I loved her so much; she would have been my wife; if I had not turned on her! I mean; we would have developed together and I would have married her; she was my soulmate God brought me!
.
Because I had an intimate relationship with her established; becoming popular with other; other women was easy!
.
Now; Im looking to develop again with women; and with an Asian soulmate! However, their is resistance! I believe I have childhood resistance! I used to see Hawaiian beauties on tv as a kid and dream about them not really believing I could have one some day! Now; I feel the same ways; its only a dream! However, women like me! They find me interesting and intelligent; fascinating, alluring; charming!
.
Resistance resides! So; that is where the work is! and Im tied to the outcome! meaning; Im attached to he outcome out of insecurity! And I have to leave that insecurity and feel good about myself if I dont manifest a specific manifestation! I cant worry about what I manifest!
.
Im tied to the outcome out of low self esteem and worth problems! So; I have a low opinion of myself! So; This has to be broken! its not realistic! I have to come out of this dissociative state concerning women and come through it to reality and start dating again; Their is a block like steal holding me back! So; I have to keep at it! keep digging into it! Ill get their! its one of the last forms of dissociation thats not been touched by recovery!
.
However, Ive gotten to the point that I can ask beautiful women for phone numbers and have conversations with them! So; Ive gotten that far; Im still intimidated by them; and this is a huge problem because they are up into my face; its to much for me; PTSD wise! Its to fast; they come at me physically to fast; I have dissociative disorder and shut down! What do I need; I simply need to get a phone number from a women I really think is hot and I want to date and call it; and want to really go out with her; sleep with her; have conversations with her; hang out with her!
.
As I write about getting close to women; their is a horrible sense of restraint and resistance! Its coming from they earlier teenage years, and adolescence; starting at about 8 years old and working through 13 years old! or 14 years old! its merciless. These years have to be dealt with; writing about them; I start dissociating; its that maddening and strong! sucks! I have to keep working at this! brake through!