To bring up my original memories is to see specific bullies; and ill have to take that to God; those bullies caught me by surprise and got into my inner core; So; I want them out; Ill have to work with God on this.... its hard. Im trying to remember who I am and where I came from. Some one took me out of my personal situation; my life when young.
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Im trying to remember who I am and the times I felt safe when young in my house and on my street... I hate the bullies; or hate the way they look; they make me sick and had no business in my personal life and I told myself I would never be in those situations with anymore; But I was caught in those situations anyway.
In fact; looking back at it; I remember the first girl I loved; she turned on me after I turned on her... she was going to have people beat me up physically; goons from my ninth grade situation. Ill have to really look at that. Im perplexed on why God brought me to that place. Maybe if I had followed through with her. I would have dumped her after getting better and staying independent; I dont know. I just cant believe God sent me to that person to love. The loving part was not the problem; the person turns out to be a sociopath... So; possibly ; she was so young when I met her she still had a chance to be loved; still enough of her was open and not closed off; thats possible. She could have trusted me. But looking at it; I met her in the summer o 8th and 9th grade. And at some point during 9th grade she was going to have me beat up badly. This means she stopped those people and talked to them to beat me up. What does that tell me about her. It means I was chasing troubled person.
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All I know for now. I am to go back into my memories and love her within my imagination until it is a successful relationship that was successful and complete and I will. I know what this is about in general; This will straiten me out and get me back on my feet; back into the right direction. I get it; God sent me their; Gods energy was their leading me at the time; I was not suppose to back out on it; I did not get Gods permission. So; I am to continue loving her... Ill continue to act out all things in my imagination as if I had a full relationship with her and keep taking it one step at a time to God until it is complete and I independently completed it. Ill work with God on it. Im not at the half way mark. Not yet; Ill know what that means; These were mean people.
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One of the main problems ive had; Ive been around sick demented murdering mean people. Horrible monsters. I never had a chancel. Now; im working with God to have a chance. its happening; Ive got allot of work to do to restore relationships. Its happening. I was treated horribly; with complete contempt and hated and abuse. Unbelievable. n And complete fake friends; no friends at all; all fake. Complete strangers; when I thought they were closer than brothers...
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So; Ill have to keep working with God on these things. And when I have problems with people I take it to God. And ask God what this is all about became those people are rude... and arrogant.... Why am I around them; for what reason.
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Ive found that some of these jerks; The reason im around them; God wants me growing right now with jerks because they dont could and I can practice on them. I might not get treated nicely but Im still getting the experiences I need. The basic experiences.
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I have to keep working with the universe; and everyday I get a little bit stronger.
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7th grade has to be worked through and I think it will happen only because Im remembering who I was before that. God is bringing back my memories And that means I identify with the original me more then what happened in 7th grade. Ill keep working with God.
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Ive also found. Im not chasing after people. When people show up around me; thats one thing. Im not going to the same rooms or places they are and sitting within them and then checking to see if they notice me. if God wants them around me and they are supposed to be around me; they will show up around me. IF not; they had no real value for me in the first place and I have to learn to accept that,.
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Im a thinker; I put 2 and 2 together and come up with results. However, the shade and color and position of that "2" may not be correct; I might think know how they think about things and be completely wrong. What do I know. They might be a narcissist and Im food for them; thats why they have a smile on their face. When I thought it was love. Ill tell myself. " Im an intelligent man"; They must be thinking what I think they are thinking; in reality; they are not thinking it for the same reasons because they dont have my conscious. Maybe someone does like me. But for them; that means they can use me and betray me half the time because they dont have my same values. But I dont respect the fear of that; the red flags of that.
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Here is an example; I remember several times seeing people feed or stand on the edge of a pond where alligators appear. The alligators come up on the lawn from the river... the half drunk guy gets up off his chair and gives the alligator a big piece a meat; throws it at the alligator from 2 feet away and then moves back; the alligator eats it and goes back into the water or just sits their sun bathing on the lawn; The guy goes back to his chair by the house and its... In other cases a young women or girl or teenager is at the edge of the pond and an alligators eyes can be seen in the water; just on tope of the water... the alligator can be seen starting to move upward on land a bit... or snap forward onto the edge of the pond. The truth is; the alligator is horrifically dangerous. It can leap onto the land from the water biting anything on the edge of the pond and pulling it back into the water spinning it around n round and pulling it under the water and then eating it or what ever; drowning it and then pulling it into its cave and eating it later. The point is; If I dont realize the kind of animal Im dealing with I can get extremely miss led and destroyed.
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The last women I dealt with was this kind of person; an alligator. And Im just now appreciating it. I knew but was so mentally out of it I didnt care... I couldn't respond. I can now; I can run. I was smart enough to watch and not participate. And I watched and I saw the deception; but she still would give off signs of her heart being with me. Or was it just attraction? She seemed like her heart was in it. But what kind of heart was that? half evil. All evil. if I had gone out with her; She would have pulled the same thing on me. I watched her behavior before I dated her and I saw all I needed to see. NO THANKS... I would have been betrayed and destroyed and devastated... But I would have never understood that unless I watched her psychopathy. I was horrible ordeal to watch her and her boyfriend. I was treated horribly; but I watched and learned And later when she was interested in me again; the answer was; NO! BYE.... Hopefully I believe God finally brought me new situations to grow from and got her out of my personal experience; she was not safe for me to develop with. God brought me other situations for my safety... I pray I never see her again ever,... I pray God gets me away from these monsters. But God is all asking me; " Why am I around these monsters in the first place"; And that answer is why ive been calling on God more n more to get me to the right people and not the wrong ones... Im working on it.
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Everyday Im getting more n more smaller memories; hopefully my independent memories and healing will occur and Ill feel safer and safer to be only around people and places and a life that counts. Id love to be around only loved ones if God would bring me loved ones... We will see. So far; God has eliminated those who are evil and never loved me but were using me... At least most of them are gone. But I have to be gone from it; from them and dont show up around them.... Stay clear; let God bring me new people... And change me back into a decent person again going down the right direction.