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- June 2021
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Remembering the past and the scum in it; and other things f

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 29, 2019 3:50 pm

They never told me; I thought they were my friends; they were never my friends. and they didn't like me or want me around, and I never knew; I told them off; I'm not around them anymore. They thought they were superior to me and I inferior; I never knew; its hard; you want to hang on to at least one or 2 things from your childhood; something, anything; anyone of value that strengthens that I was loved or thought about; I wasn't even thought about it; nothing; it was all a lie; hang on to anything; something; there was nothing. I had the view from my eyes and wishful thinking of what I thought should have happened or I thought was going to happen, but it never did; just like the Jews in ww2; I was shipped off; never to be heard of again. No one cared. My life was destroyed.
I didn't know. In my mind I had all kinds of hope and possibilities; However, in the land of reality; there was no such thing; nothing. The places I thought were safe places were actually places of my enemies who resented my presence, but I never knew; it was all passive aggression on their part; a game. I made a mistake, but it was an innocent mistake; I never knew I was of the lower classes and they of the upper classes and I was never looked at as someone of value; pure prejudice; and I never knew. I was looked at as nothing and someone they wanted away from them; I was never accepted by them or in their neighborhood. I was looked at as filth from the very beginning; I never knew, but they knew. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time of no fault of my own. I was a victim; I was a child.
IT was too bad; I never had a chance; or a chance of knowing they were never my friends. Don't get me wrong; they saw me as an inferior and allowed me in their presence as an inferior; but I would have never known them according to these rules; the only reason I associated with them; I loved them or thought they were my friends; what a big big mistake; the only kind of a mistake a child can make; no other time in life would a person be vulnerable to this kind of unfortunate disaster. I was child innocent; I didn't know.
I want at least something I can take from my childhood, but I can't; there was nothing except a few TV shows at Christmas time; the rest was a lie, and the faster I can handle this horror; the better my present is; the problem is; I was exploited and lied to for years; years of this. Not just a few days or few months; but years; by people that acted a part as if in a stage play; and the joke was on me. I had no friends; nothing.
So; I have a lot of work to do; getting a bad childhood to surface that I can see it for what it was. I wanted to believe at the time; I did believe at the time everything was fine; this was from ages 4 to 8, but it wasn't so; I was simply neglected to the point of imposed freedom; I walk around the neighborhood and made friends and plans and felt free; what I didn't know; I was never free and none of these people were really my friends; they were snobs and keeping quit concerning their real view of me. I never knew; I was 2 innocent and young. And I was never free; I was neglected to the point of freedom; short-lived freedom. I saw it as freedom because I was so young; I thought it neat that I could walk around and make friends; that's because I had no home life and had to reach out to others for attention and learning; and this is the hardest part to face; that even in my earliest years on this planet; I was still being thrown away; and had nothing; even tho I remember feeling good inside; it was all fake; I was not in a safe situation from the minute I was born until I was 18; never; ever. And I was fooled when very young and did not know or plan for the horrors that would soon come in later childhood when I was thrown away.
Now; I'm trying to make my way back into life; it's very difficult; I can do not much more than playing drum; that's all the stress I can handle. I have a lot of changes I want to do. And I would like to meet the right people; I'm a bit apprehensive.
Imagine someone of intelligence that had a great career, but had to stop because of cancer; they can no longer work; their mind is fine while their body deteriorates. They can't work anymore; but their educated and intelligent; that's what life is like for me right now; I can hardly function because of the past and past trauma and the developmental trauma CPTSD within me; I am getting better because I have goals, and I want to continue with those goals; watching a new life materialize.
Its all very difficult; but not all painful like the past; there is hope mixed within this; However, I'm in an insecure time period; it's not that bad; still...... It has the alone feeling; the lonely feeling of aloneness; all alone in the world; isolated down a dusty country road with no prospects kind of feelings; down on my luck without a dime to my name kind of feeling; but I'm handling it, but still; it's a smokey bluesy river.
I never developed in the work world or made money and I would like to change this; turn things around and get my own life going; other than focusing on the life I was supposed to have that was taken.
I'm in a time period of goals; I'm rearranging within self; goals are taking over as the primary purposes of thought in my life; what do I think about? my goals; I'm learning or teaching self; my brain to focus on my goals and nothing else; bringing my goal thoughts to the forefront of my mind; relegating the past to the back of my mind; switching out what I think is important; I'm no longer interested in being a victim; it does not attract money.
I'm learning to work with the universe and its working; I've got to keep it up!
Heres the deal; at some point when a person moves forward in the real world with real goals; the past is left behind, and if I'm not done with it; it shows up and it hurts, and nothing can be done about walking across this trauma river of pain; I'm talking about post " the past trauma syndrome"; meaning, Ive dealt with the past and moveing on; or I thought; in this case; I won't actually let go of the deeper aspects of " past" intill Im on a boat, riding across the river; riding away from that past that is left on the shore; going from the land to the sea to a new port; then I realize its over; and I have to feel it; and Im on my own and moving into a new life or new world; And at that point; Im going to need massive support, for I am bringing with me all the insecurities of what I never got in my younger life; and the hatred and animosity; However, in my case; I dont have all that much anger; I have old hatred and anger; stuff Ive been chipping away at for years; so; im ok; still; it hurts; it goes to the core; its torture and Ive been tortured and dont want more of it; its old torture and Ive handled it alreayd; but Im finding new vains of it because Im forced to look at it or focus on it because Im leaving it.


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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