Im heading toward relationships... Im not sure what to think! Im slowly, very slowly letting go of the past... ITs giving way to the present... The idea is; what do I want to do in the future regardless of who or where Ive been in the past.
PTSD worlds need to be worked out; worked through that I come into the present!
Ive proven to myself and with Gods help that the past was a joke. Im lucky to be alive. Yet, it was a joke. The people in that past were complete jokes and nothing more!
I have the opportunity to understand that its in my head! The PTSD world is in my head, and I understand that no matter what screen I see, its false; it does not represent the here n now!
I need a strong life in the here n now if I am to survive... Ive been alone. I am alone!
Being alone is hard when making decisions.. Its easier then it used to be. I understand that the people I loved never loved me! I thought I had a relationship with these people; I had nothing! Its heartbreaking. Looks like I will survive this!
Now what;
Im in limbo land at the moment. I go to my apartment, I wash clothing, and I go to meetings. Its a strange existence. Im not freaked out! Im slowly getting better, healing, Im not sure why I have to go through this alone! Yet, Ive been alone all my life.
Im a decent person; does not seem to matter to others... My worth does not seem to matter to others...
Im a human being, and I need to find other humans to associate with....
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I never made it in the work world.. I was so demoralized and treated with such a lack of worth, I gave up.. Im a creative person, or I was. yet, Ive been horribly ruined in this life! Possibly, its time to stop playing the victim!
Im still stuck in my room!
Ive got that anger resentment part of me that won't move..
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I have been a creative person at times in my life. I have no direction. I have intolerance and pain! I feel rage when I think of art direction. Art was ripped away from me when I was a child. It was done on purpose... Yet, I have to look at this last statement. If the people bringing me up were sociopaths; it was not personal. Sociopaths do nothing for personal reasons! they are not human! There for, I was never seen and thrown away! and this is very hard to deal with; this segment of my situation from the past!
I loved the past 2 much! I loved the house I lived in with all my heart. That is 2 much! I have to turn all of this over to God and understand that I need to love God at these times and not the worldly things. the worldly things I need to let go of.