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Relationship and work issues; Ongoing process; #22

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 10, 2022 4:52 am

First love;
There is a good chance that most of the problem with the First Love was; I lied when I met her. If I had been myself; she would have shunned me immediately. I was a loser; I had nothing... and was and had been flunking out in school all my life. I was in a constant state of shock... Survival mode; and trauma bonded and many other related problems. Drugs had not been a problem yet but a constant. and they will get worse very soon. Worse meaning; I will move into the beginning stages of potential drug addict; but; it will not last long. I will begin overdosing and having bad trips and thus freak my brain out; injuring it from hallucinational drugs... Later this will turn into alcohol problems and another problem will arise...
The pride in this case was; I was not in this persons league and I would have never met her... How did I meet her; it was a mistaken fluke by to drugged up young men that lied! They lied under the influence of drug use... They were not decent people to begin with... I was caught off guard. I never thought about it once asked; if I wanted to go to one of their houses with them as a guest. They said a girl lived up the street same age; a sister. They made it sound like she wanted to meet me. This was not true. His sister did not need to meet anyone and I was the last kind of person this person ever associated with. This was High School so we all know what popularetts are like. Socies, Clicks in High schools with the Rich popular types; Cheerleaders; Joks n such; that crowd. She was one of those. No Way I would ever be invited to someones house like this.
Dont get me wrong; Im not suggesting I didnt like myself at points; Im just suggesting these were not the type of people I would ever associate with. They were on the other side of the spectrum; completely.
I dont know what got into me. Im not sure at that moment; But when I was brought to the house and I said Hi! I lied about who I was. I made up all this nonsense; it sounded like I had been popular and Jock on the Football team. I had been nothing; I had been traumatized the whole time in my life and I needed a shrink and a nuthouse.
So very unfortunate for me; The ( young women) responded at least averagely to my introduction. I then made the mistake of trying to go further... She seem to be responding to me. And thats when all this horror started.
Later she will discard me as someone she claims she never knew and basically never liked and never met.
I made the classic mistake didnt I! I tried to cross cultural lines in High School and had dirt kicked in my face as a loser...
Pride; THis is the hardest part; I simply was nothing. and I was nothing of what I lied about myself to this person. This persons whole attempt of friendly inquiring of me was based on I showing up at her house repeatedly ( she never came to mine), It was based on the elaborate manipulation through lies I created to capture this situation; I was a kind of predator I guess and I got busted... Thats basically it.
When I say Predator; I dont mean criminal or sexual. I mean something completely different. I was seeing how far I could go. I was surprised; if confused me that when I called her she responded and laughed at my jokes. However; Im in question as I write this because she was all fake.
I have this feeling I was being led on by a predator of the rich popular kind; she was setting me up to take a fall.
Ill never know; I dont get it.
I was rapped around her finger and I did not know anything was wrong. I didnt know someone was manipulating me; setting me up. I still dont get it; Until I realized I had lied about the most basic concepts of myself.
I gave the impression and the appearance of coming from a good family; one with money that I was accustom to.
I gave the appearance of being a popular type with strait A's as if I was already planning the colleges to look into. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was as good as homeless... and that was all. I had no life; I was completely broken and mentally ill.
I had lied that I had ever been on a football team. THis is important to understand. If I had been a successful football player as I had claimed; one could come to many assumptions about me; solid brave strong good family smart; future; education. Putting the way I was acting all into one jar; one would think they had a very good catch; at least to associate with; ALl Lies...
If I had told this person who I really was; I would have been laughed out of their house immediately. WHat I didnt know; thats exactly what should have happened in a Godly honest situation. I would have gone back to my room in the house I was staying at and I would have had to turn to God and work with God... And God would have sent me on a totally different situation.
I have a pride problem associated with this situation because it felt like I got so close to winning the lottery... To translate to the story; if felt like I had found the perfect girl for anyone's dreams. and from a fantasy point of view I probably did... It didnt happen because this person found out I was lying about who I was; and it was immediately stopped. I was laughed at basically and asked to leave basically and never return... THis was not a friend of mine; this person turned out to be a perfect stranger that never wanted to meet me in the first place.
I was Hurt because I was slapped down; it was made clear I was not even in the ballpark to be in the same town as this person... I was a nobody and it was a ferocious joke to ever go up anywhere near someone of this status quality or market value.
In reality; this person did nothing wrong. The person opened their door to someone without knowing what was going on.

I conned everyone; finally I conned myself.
one of the problems; I had no mother or father so my whole life was a dissociation with no presence in reality and I missed all things that humans go through or develop in.
And Im extremally introverted. I spent most of my life in the equivalent of a cellar fantasizing.
I never thought I was worth anything and most of the world proved it was true.
The girls I loved proved it... I was worth nothing; not enough enough to keep alive. I thought I was worth nothing and they proved it by abandoning me.

Im So happy; Im A Loser!!!!! Hurray!
Why is this so good. because its so true... its fantastic!!!!
I have no self pity; Nothing... because the only way Im ever going to get anything in relationships or finances or artistic development; talents; interests; is through practice and working with others; slow slow slow practice for long periods.
Did I say; Im a slow learner. With all my disability stuff; Im brutally slow learner. It takes allot of practice for something in the real world to register in my dissociative brain.
If I want something; I have to work for it; it that is way to crude and middle classy kind of stupidity; its much more spiritually cathartic.
Im the most introverted person youve ever met. Id hide in a cellar for ever and just fantasize and dream about what life could be like.
I never blamed a girl for dumping me or people getting rid of me; I always new I was worthless; they were just proving it...
So; if I want something more and real; Ill have to work with others who are more knowledgeable then I am and work at gaining skills for what ever it is I want; and their it is.
No self pity ; That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will
disappear. And it is; because Im getting down to the ground level of honesty; I dont have anything unless I earn it. Someone who earns it; it is useless by what others think; Who cares; life is assessed on the idea of work not drama.
I find out what I want or want to do and I go get lessons... ANd their it is.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we
will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to
know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the
past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the
word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down
the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can
benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will
disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest
in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude
and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of
economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how
to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly
realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being
fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They
will always materialize if we work for them.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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