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Relationship and work issues; #21

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 09, 2022 4:36 am

Forgiveness; a special kind; its a specific kind dealing with amends...
Im into amends big time right now because its working. However, Ive been involved in the recovery process for millennium's of years; decades .
I started working on amends with a sponsor after being in the 12 steps groups for several years...
Now; the amends Im making are almost a full quadrant of the earths surface; everything and everyone is included.
THis is what Ive learned; Ive got all kinds of meetings for support and specific people I can reach out to and call or talk with; Men or women!
Ive been closely working with the universe for a long long time...
I have specific goals that require me to get over the past; thus the universe is helping me...
So; First I look at resentments.
What is a resentment; something I re look at over n over n over; usually an injury to my self personality or ego or safety; something inflicted by others; humiliated; and or physical or bodily harm.
SO; WHat did they do. How did I feel about what they did to me. ANd then the rest is; Whats my Roll?
For example. I friend I had discarded me...
How did I feel; Horrible; used; taken advantage of... heart broken; angry rageful. revenge. hate; self hate. not good enough; and so on..... ripped into...
Well first; at first; I would say I had no roll in it; I mean; the person turned on me; they are a scoundrel; But with more thinking and praying on the subject; new facts begin to emerge.
Where did I meet this person... I met them in a bar! What condition where they in. They were drunk. They offered me a drink and I accepted and we became friends... They were always generous paying for everything.. I really liked it. I would call every night and we would get together. ANd then suddenly they turned on me one day and discarded me and through me away and never wanted to see me again...
SO; whats my roll in all this.
First; since Im praying to God and relying on the universe; did I think I was going to find the universe/God in a Bar? I dont think so.
I mentioned making friends with drunk people; is that really a friendship if their drunk all the time? I dont think so.
I mentioned How I loved to call them and show up; I put out allot of work for this friendship; but they never did. What does this tell me about their quality of friendship toward me; Not very high. So; if they are not much of a friend. Why am I hanging out with them or associating with them. WHy would become friends with someone that cant value me.
Have I discussed friendship with them? NO! THen why do I think they are friends with me; or is it; I THINK they are friends with me... They never said we were friends.
IF Im in recovery world; why am I associating with someone who is getting drunk all the time and hangs out in bars all the time...
Did they call me a friend.
I called them all the time; did they ask me to call them all the time. Did they ever call me? How did I meet them. Did I go up to them or did they come up to me.
IS it possible I fantasized the whole experience level of depth; meaning; maybe because Im needy; I made them into a life long brother or sister... When in reality; they never even needed to meet me

After praying about it...
What would have happened if I had never gone in the bar; I would have never met the person. Exactly as Sunny Jesus wanted it. Maybe next time Ill listen to Jesus and not my hairbrained schemes.
What if I decided not to be around others who drink; I would hav e never met this person.

How did I treat them? Was a neglectful.
The point is; my roll is; I probably should have passed on making them friends... No one forced me to make friends with them.
Did someone keep me from ending the friendship; could I have just walked away the same day after realizing this was not going to work. Why didnt I walk away; is it their fault I didnt walk away...

Went back to a meeting tonight; wanted to impress the women; Several different fellowships going on. It didnt work. No one was interested; it was kind of heart braking. On the positive side; its not surprising; not everyone sees value in me or interest or attraction; so; I just kind of got up and left. I felt very stupid and alone.
Actually a married women I know with her husband in the room; she kind of reacted to me. I was kind of surprised. Maybe not; ya know how married people are; they get tired of each other and fantasize about being with someone new... But still; their was a deep connection; I just got up and left and realized it after I saw it; it kind of surprised me. Im not into married people.. That kind of makes me sick; the whole idea of adulatory.. No THank You! I found it kind of humorous; The married women was giving me attention but the single women were not! I had no status with the single women; and that crumbled me into a corner. I felt lower then low! Less then less. I felt like disappearing and never coming back.
As for the other women in the group; They could care less when they saw me; I meant nothing to them. As if I wasnt even their.
I left the meeting because I was nobody their. and thats 2 hard on me right now. TO many people in that room. I guess I want to be important somewhere and I couldnt be that way in that room. Maybe later when I have a life; but right now I need what I need .
I felt like Jesus; When Jesus walked by a plant and tried to pick a fruit from the plant; the plant did not give it to him; or something; When he called it; and thus he touched the plant or tree and it wilted away. THe tree did not follow GOds commands to give Jesus fruit when he asked for it; Thus Jesus wilted it and it was immediately thrown into the fire and consumed. I felt the same way when I walked into the meeting tonight. I felt like Jesus but I wasnt getting any status.. I did pray about it; and then I got up and left.
However, I had another fellowship upstairs; a meeting going on. It wasnt perfect but it was much better; much much better.
I hate being around people that try really hard not to accept me the way I am; Im like; " hey; go away and never come back". Its scary deal; dealing with sociopaths? ( or just people who dont want me); or what ever they are; or maybe just shallow people. Or worse; Maybe theirs nothing wrong with them at all they just dont like me; find me attractive or interesting ; They see nothing in me; They see me as nothing.. those kind of people make me ill; I just want to get away from them. I dont think God wants me around those kind of people. Its not safe...
It makes me wonder who has the problem; them or me. I have to remember; Im with GOd all the time... and I pray all the time. I cant be every womens Adonis; Altho I think I am if she would just try really hard to look into the Fishbowl...
They killed Jesus Christ; one need not forget the world I live in; it should not surprise me that I will meet up with those killers at different times during the day... Its just that sometimes they are so cute; I cant take my eyes off them; I want their attention so bad. but they are not interested in me because Im to old or have nothing or not physically attractive to them or; or what ever else I can come up with. I have no sexual market value in society; I cant complete against other guys; Im not in anyone's league. I know one thing. Something hidden is wrong; so; I must get away from them or Ill be destroyed.
Bad meeting. I will say this; I got this feeling while on my bike riding away; to go back to the meeting and face it; God thing. And I did; I turned my bike around got back into the building; and was about the enter the room; but I saw through a window; the people were standing up around the tables; that means the meeting is over.
When I left the meeting; I went upstairs to the other meeting; when it was over; I took off; on my bike going home and prayed about it; and sunny Jesus told me to go back. THe other meeting might still be going on and it was. But I got their and it was over. SO; Jesus didn't want me going in their to make more excuses to look at the women in the meeting and get their attention by ignoring them because its all wishful fantasizing at that place. No one even cares. But I did go back anyway this time as I was commanded by the universe; Ive done this before. but the meeting was over; Thus; saved by the end of the meeting bell; one might say. I didnt have to go in and face that...
I have to learn; not everyone in the world is being called to be my lover or friend or my admirer; some find me revoltingly ugly and of no consequence... ( Worse; give off a natural indifference). And altho it hurts; Sunny Jesus does not want me hanging out on that side of the building with those kinds of people because altho Im not attractive to them; Im worth more then that and Im no match for them. To easy for them to take me or leave me.. Those kinds of people will never value me. THe problem is; the women are sexy.. and I want their attention; but Sunny Jesus wakes me up and reminds me. Im not in 9th grade; These are adults and they are dangerous; some of them; not on my side; no place for the innocent Omnicell to be ice skating for attention... When cute women give me attention I feel important! I feel like I have worldly power! When they dont; I shrivel up into a little ball and try to disappear and go away. In this case; they gave me no attention at all; complete silent indifference. And I couldnt handle it; I had to get out of that meeting. I dont have the character to handle that level of reality. I dont have the support in the outside world for that; to handle that. Not yet!
So; the girl(young women) in the meeting had no interest in me; I feel dead. I just prayed to Sunny Jesus about it' and the message I got was; " SHe never had any interest in me to start with; nor did she ever show any interest to start with; Nothing!"; So; Heres the deal;.
At that point I pray to Jesus about what to do next. And I think what happens is; Jesus gets me to new places where people will respect me and value me and find me attractive and interesting; I mean; if they never see me again it will matter to them; I need to always be in situations like that some place in my life; where I matter. Im starting to think that anything else is a bit dangerous.
The fact is; because of trauma bonding when young; Im trying to get attention from people that do not like me or value me or see me or care if they ever see me again or ever met me; I have no value to them; I am not attractive to them; they do not find me attractive have no spark for me; they see me as nothing and not even worth getting up over. Nothing. Sunny Jesus does not want me in the same rooms with people like that; Not yet!
At some point Ill be able to handle that maybe when I get a life but not yet; its to hard on me... I dont need it...
So; tonight at the second meeting I ventured to; the one upstairs; I realized how similar being in that room looked like the library in one of the colleges I attended when young. I used to hide in that library freaked out; I could not handle the outside world; nothing.
I realized tonight how far I had come. If I had had the recovery world to go with my college years; maybe I could have maybe functioned by having both worlds to interact with; However, I realized tonight that altho Ive experienced both worlds; I would not be able to interreact between them; not yet..
I still cant move from one to the other; its more like I was trapped in one and now Im trapped in the other slowly learning how to build a higher frequency to move forward.
THe goal would be to go to college and function and be in the recovery rooms and process at the same time complimenting each system; Im not their yet. I can see this as a way of functioning. We will see what God does for me.
Im way to old to care about college anymore. but the point of using college as an example is a good one. I could not function in college when young but with a recovery process at the same time; maybe?
NOTE: I do have something other do not; I have Sunny Jesus universal to pray to for guidance and the universe putting new thoughts in my head and I have some established friends that are wing people; kind of friends as sponsors a bit. They function as intermediaries between my imaginary child world and the real life out here in La La land... SO; this is a good thing.
Music is going well; its limited the expansion going on; its hard work. I forget. I mean; Im back practicing some scales n stuff and writing some music; and its hard... Meaning; I have to go slow and practice slow to get anywhere...
I did go up to a women the other day; sit her down and ask her to be my friend; we shook hands on it; it is official. And This is so very important; this kind of re establishing myself in society kind of thing.
NOTE: Weight loss is working; what does that mean; it means its been about 1 month and 8 days on the same strict Apple Cider Vinegar based diet... its a kind of Athletic diet going with my biking... Not in the Gym this time. Seems to be working. May take a few more months to kick in; we will see; but Im sticking to it and the change over seems to be working.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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