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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/relationship_and_work_issues%3B_18_b-14852_sid-c06131a0b9e97114c995fe04dc751df8.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Aug 02, 2022 10:14 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Relationship and work issues; #18 |
Feeling suicidal... . Ive open'd up allot very quickly. And this is the result; Nothing from the past is resolved or not resolved; no answers yet of today 1st August 2022. Im not suggesting Sunny Jesus cant switch the universe around and have someone( or something) appear if that be Gods choice; The universe told me; he gave people free will; if I never see them again; thats up to them; ( This is in reference to mother/father or girlfriend or best friend from the past showing up). That also means they never valued or admired or loved me in anyway...( I Was a Stranger to them). Strange group of people to be getting expectations for. I suppose they were like the family system I came from demonic... demons with disguises on. THey could be normal shallow people with no extra deepened trauma based area within them; THus they would not understand me. It sickening because I was not valued; but then; I walked into a group of people that do not value people like me! . IVe been attempting to face the past and by doing so Im actually moving beyond the past into a new realm; this means many areas of the past are phoning me; letting me know they are Gone and not to come back. Im becoming aware the past is gone and not coming back; thats the acceptance. ITs all 2 much for me.. In many cases; that protected past is all I had.. Take that away; and I have nothing and then Ill have to create things in the present; I dont have the strength of mind for it; to be out on the edge in reality; that part of my mind is all ready stretched beyond capacity; it does not work anymore. Its swollen and ruptured. . So; I have to rely on a higher power. I have to work with others for help. Im like a kid in the 5th grade; I need help from the adults if anything is going to happen in my life. . Im depressed and feeling the fatigue of CPTSD and Dissociative Disorder; Ive opened up to much for my mind to handle without a place for it to escape to. . I have support but its a dry kind of limb. Its not colorful and cozy or rosy! ... . So; Ill have to keep working with God on these things. . I dont like being suicidal. Others dont understand where Im coming from. . . . .. . . Relationships; Looking back; I never got into relationships; I never asked anyone out; never had girlfriends. If I hung around someone it was because of loneliness from a family system that through me away; I never wanted a girlfriend. I wanted a nut house or a new family. . It never occurred to me; make a new family from one of the women GOd was sending round to be my girlfriend. . So; I set goals with God; tell my friends; my Wingmen and work with them; Ill have to have people to work with or nothing will get done; it will always be wishful thinking. . . . Right now; My mind hurts; Ive ran PTSD beat'n filters in my head and its triggered a hornets nest of pain and indecision. I hope I dont have a breakdown and I hope I dont end up in the hospital... Im suicidal. . . THe people at the meetings dont care; Some of the meetings are not safe to be at... to many felons... . If I am to have a girlfriend it has to be the right one. ANd Ill need help for this whole process... . As for work; I realized one reason in the past I never asked anyone out; they would find out I did not function in school. I was to traumatized and flunked out all the time. TO the point of no future. . Im suicidal because Im in transition. Waiting on answers from the universe.... . |
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| Author: | Snaga [ Thu Aug 04, 2022 1:42 am ] |
How are you feeling today? |
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| Author: | Snaga [ Sat Aug 06, 2022 5:33 pm ] |
Hope that you're feeling better! |
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