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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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regular issues continue

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:06 am

Im working on what Ive always worked on! And Im smart for it!

At times, its better to play the same song 100 times then to play 100 different songs!

Im slowly advancing in recovery maturity age; this is different then real age!! This is good considering most maturity comes from day to day life as a child and teenager! Im assuming the maturation Im looking for is a replacement for when young!

Its horrific and very serious; what happened to me!

It's not a game! I was destroyed! And the abuses were monstrous; a nightmare of its kind!

I was stripped of everything society has to offer a child! I was stripped of the interaction and use and advantage of it; all of it!

I never participated in any form of real life after the age of 9 possibly! And most of my interaction as a child was from my friends houses I met in the neighborhood!

I now know more of what happened to me when young! Its terrible! It really is! Im lucky to have had any opportunity to have an identity! I almost did not have an identity to go back to!

I had a few years around upper middle class families! And from that I built my identity! Then I was quickly and brutally destroyed!

Here I am now in the recovery process after 20 years! Im very lucky person! Skin of my teeth lucky! I still have a long way to go!

Yet, Im slowly moving into some form or part of self that is older; I have more maternity and independence to answer the lostness of the broken childhood!

Im not happy about what happened to my schooling! Im a bright person and would have had strait A's through everything! I did not; I flunked out of most everywhere I went; almost did not make it out of high school! This was a horrible abuse! I never planned these things for myself! This was the result of living with psychopaths and neglect! This is part of the long term damage they create for others! People get destroyed around these vermin!

My college was no different! I could not function or concentrate on anything! I went from one frustrating school experience to another; One University to another! After about 6 universities or colleges or what ever; I graduated! One waisted year on; one waisted year off of endless confusion!

No rhyme or reason for going to college accept originally as a child I had planned on it; What I didn't plan on was massive PTSD! And the abuse I went through when young! It caught me off guard!

One year after the other of useless time spend in schools; and I was already burned out from being around the sociopaths and psychopaths! I was destroyed! I never planned on this!

I would go to college and drop out for a while with a useless life! And go back; leave, go back! Flunk out, or almost flunk out! I had a broken heart, and a broken mind! No one cared about me or what happened to me or if they ever saw me again or ever knew me! I was truly alone!

I cared about nothing! After going and coming and coming and going with no goals and place to live; finally wanted to graduate! I was so old by the time I graduated! A girl in the kitchen hall line wanted to know if I was a student or a professor! At that time; I knew it was time to leave! But leave to what! I was hiding in those college libraries scared out of my mind of the real world! I did not know how to think or have success! I had a broken heart and just wanted to be loved and go home! Ill never forget that ######6 nightmare! Terror! True terror! Never never never forget! Way over my head! Homelessness was just as scary if not much worse!

Whats worse; a worse experience, if I had to pic it; getting your head cut of, or waiting to get your head cut off and the fear of it! You decide! Ive been through the psychological versions of both!

So; Now Im finally getting better! Slowly, I believe my identity is as a middle class person with a college background! Surprise! Could have fooled me !
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From the book of an anonymous 12 step group!

"We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people — was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was."

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."

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I am now and have been embracing the above for a long long time! And now it's starting to pay of at much deeper levels! Im not alone; I go to plenty of groups with plenty of people!

I would like to switch societies! Ive been in the 12 step societies and psych societies for a long long time! I would like to venture out into the real world once again and try my hand at it!

So, with a waisted useless life where I had never really lived a barely survived; Ive never really had a life!

For half of it; I was so severely mentally ill from PTSD and Dissociative disorder and everything that goes with it; I was confused and nuts most of the time! Many times I was mistaken for a Schizophrenic! Im slowly getting better now! Slowly, hard hard long work! Getting better!

Relationships!

Biggest deal with relationships is; Where do I take them! Meaning; I can ask them out; but then what! What do I want from them! There are missing ingredients to the relationship dating situation! Im not naturally visualizing what I want with someone ! Usually, a man sees a women and sees in his head what he wants! Im not seeing positive; Im seeing allot of fear and anger stuff! Im seeing myself putting up with bad bad things; so, I need work on positive stuff; a change of who I date and why!

I spent all these years wanting to change people! Finding potential in people then watch them conform to me! But they never did!

Ive gone out with the wrong people because I was 2 scared to go out with the right ones! Usually, they start getting controlling and bossy! And then I dump them! Why would I stay with them; for what!

And in reality, Ive actually had almost no girlfriends ever! and Ive never been with any that I really wanted to be with! only a few!

What do I want; I have to visualize them ( the women)! See myself with them doing things! I guess Im afraid I wont ever find the right kind of people!

Sex sounds good! Im going to have to learn to ask them for it after Im a few dates! Meaning; to have a sexual relationship! Many women I want to make love to but don't want as girlfriends!

Ive had massive terror in my life that after long periods of time, put me to sleep! And I never woke up! I tried drugs in high school, but that didn't help! I tried alcohol later and that became a problem; and I ended up in a giant recovery process that addressed all of it! The PTSD, the clinical depression, agoraphobia, the AVPD! Dissociative Disorder; massive amnesia! Most of my D.I.D stuff, had been constant but usually no more then short time periods! Ive passed out several hundred times since high school! Usually from 1 to 15 minutes at most! I think! I think the longest would have been 25 minutes! I think! Those situations leave clues! Sorrow and broken hearted! Thats the pain I deal with now! The deeper broken heart that was buried so I would not kill myself! This was my minds defense or I would be long gone long ago! But this can only do so much to save a person! When your mind must continue to bury everything to survive, you get D.I.D and amnesia! The amnesia sucks! It's the kind you remember who you are and your name and where you were born! Its more about interactions that you cant remember! The amnesia acts as a buffer between the outside world and your ruptured personality!

With more traumatic over load, it was over for me!

Im starting to remember the years between 11 and 13 and some college years! The college years were horrible because I was in the middle of or the starting of dissociative disorder at more severe levels; and I really went of the deep end! I could not communicate anymore nor write!

Most of the people; not all, in the drug based 12 step groups Im in; don't really understand Dissociative disorder! Some do! But their minds are waisted from to much meth! Its cooked their cooler! Some are so bad they want to argue with me about my name! Meaning, they don't believe me when I tell them my name! Or that I have PTSD problems! At that point! It's a loosing battle to get anyone to understand anything with any depth! But the program with others is helping to bring me back to reality; so Im not bitch'n! Im just saying!

Women;

What do I want; its blocked and I have to work on visualization techniques of what I want! For example! I want to ask her out to go to coffee, and later walk down town! And later, sit at her house watching a movie and pop corn and holding each other! I have to see all of this normal stuff in my mind; This part of my mind is trapped within PTSD worlds! And I must use visualization techniques to Un confer it!

The problem with the drug addict people and the other recovery people; Im burning out on them being the only thing I have! I must keep imagining new people places and things! so I can build a new life out in the real world!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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