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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Recurrence

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 19, 2013 9:21 pm

Recurrence of many things is shaping my future for the better.

My mother: I was unable to love her. She would not allow me to develop love. Nor did she want me to develop relationships. ######6 sick! However, it is what it is. Its at the bottom of the gene pool. Like Adolph Shrinkalgrubber; she is or was an exceptionally bad example of the human race≥ She was attempting to destroy me from the beginning. She wanted superior status and did not want men or me competing with her. Thus, I learned how not to relate, I learned how not to express and I learned how not to divulge anything of importance, I learned how not to open up to people, and I learned how to hold everything in and never respond. I learned how to un-respond. Ive learned how to not love and not respond to the point of being isolated into psychological brick chamber with no way out; no way to penetrate the walls.

Except from therapists, others refused to help me! I believe they were jealous. This is my opinion!

When others realize Im attempting to practice in order to grow and trust again. I get hit with horrible hatred. Status is the key! Im triggering status position insecurity in others. I am attacked. Therefore, Its not safe to practice love or loving.

Status! Status! Status!, Social positioning in others is the name of the game! They will ruthlessly kill for position; even in a church.≥

I bow to no one!
I am obedient only to God, Im am not obedient to man!
I please myself before I will please you!
I do not prove things to people!
Its attraction not promotion!

The above statements are concepts Im practicing and have practiced. The consequence is the lose of the person crossing my boundaries; I will allow them to leave and never come back if they choose.

-------------

The first girl I loved: I could only go so fare. I was able to initiate interest. I was able to interact to a point. However, I could go no further, even when she wanted me, or wanted me as a boyfriend. I could go no further. I could show no love. I could not. She really liked me. I convinced myself that she did not. This is after she liked me. I was completely irrational.

The Girl In college I dated for 3 years; I had to let her go, or she let me go. I could not tell her how I felt. I could not develop with her. I got mad at her for not understanding me nor asking questions to understand me. However, looking back on it. She was in a relationship with me! She had already proved herself. I knew she liked me! She slept with me every night. I got mad at her and frustrated. However, Like the girls before her. I never worked with her. She pissed me of. I left! I had no business being in a relationship in the first place, I was destroyed and immature. She was not my therapist! I wish she was!

Carman liked me. I liked her. I wrote about her all the time. However, she stated that I was not ready for a relationship! I got mad. I thought she was looking for the wrong type of person. looking back at it! I never communicated anything to her. I never worked with her. She knew nothing about me or my problems. I can and did complain that these women were shallow. However, they liked me! They wanted relationships with me. I never saw things correctly≥  I always complained that these girls never wanted the truth and they never liked me.. Now I see things differently. They did not need to prove anything to me. They liked me and wanted a relationship with me. I shut down on them! I was 2 messed up to understand anything. I could not communicate.

I stopped taking interest in people at this point. I gave up completely.

Later in the recovery process!~

Several girls from a few years ago attempted my interest. I practiced on them and learned to be more responsive. I worked with my therapist. Im afraid I made little impression on these girls. They thought little of me and never saw past my symptoms. They helped me with my recovery process and never knew it!

I

To the present! Last year the same thing happened again. A girl took interest in me, I blew her off and stayed to myself, I ignored her until I stopped all association. I became "cold as ice" I could not help this. I had no control over this narcissistic way of life, and way of treating people! I lost her as I lost the others before her!

I did not want to leave the last girl, and I did not want her to leave me. I wanted her friendship and more.

What Im learning:

It all started with my Mom. And its ending with my awareness to change and the work Im willing to participate in that I get better. And Im getting better.

One must communicate!

God is helping me on a journey that I sift through the past situations and learn from them. That I learn how I hurt people by walking away from them and not talking to them.

The gaol is to wake up and feel and quit being a sociopath narcissist. And I am working through stuff and waking up. I will not have a relationship until this defensive anger is gone. I want no walls between me and someone else that I may have interest in!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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