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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 19, 2013 9:21 pm

Recurrence of many things is shaping my future for the better.

My mother: I was unable to love her. She would not allow me to develop love. Nor did she want me to develop relationships. ######6 sick! However, it is what it is. Its at the bottom of the gene pool. Like Adolph Shrinkalgrubber; she is or was an exceptionally bad example of the human race≥ She was attempting to destroy me from the beginning. She wanted superior status and did not want men or me competing with her. Thus, I learned how not to relate, I learned how not to express and I learned how not to divulge anything of importance, I learned how not to open up to people, and I learned how to hold everything in and never respond. I learned how to un-respond. Ive learned how to not love and not respond to the point of being isolated into psychological brick chamber with no way out; no way to penetrate the walls.

Except from therapists, others refused to help me! I believe they were jealous. This is my opinion!

When others realize Im attempting to practice in order to grow and trust again. I get hit with horrible hatred. Status is the key! Im triggering status position insecurity in others. I am attacked. Therefore, Its not safe to practice love or loving.

Status! Status! Status!, Social positioning in others is the name of the game! They will ruthlessly kill for position; even in a church.≥

I bow to no one!
I am obedient only to God, Im am not obedient to man!
I please myself before I will please you!
I do not prove things to people!
Its attraction not promotion!

The above statements are concepts Im practicing and have practiced. The consequence is the lose of the person crossing my boundaries; I will allow them to leave and never come back if they choose.


The first girl I loved: I could only go so fare. I was able to initiate interest. I was able to interact to a point. However, I could go no further, even when she wanted me, or wanted me as a boyfriend. I could go no further. I could show no love. I could not. She really liked me. I convinced myself that she did not. This is after she liked me. I was completely irrational.

The Girl In college I dated for 3 years; I had to let her go, or she let me go. I could not tell her how I felt. I could not develop with her. I got mad at her for not understanding me nor asking questions to understand me. However, looking back on it. She was in a relationship with me! She had already proved herself. I knew she liked me! She slept with me every night. I got mad at her and frustrated. However, Like the girls before her. I never worked with her. She pissed me of. I left! I had no business being in a relationship in the first place, I was destroyed and immature. She was not my therapist! I wish she was!

Carman liked me. I liked her. I wrote about her all the time. However, she stated that I was not ready for a relationship! I got mad. I thought she was looking for the wrong type of person. looking back at it! I never communicated anything to her. I never worked with her. She knew nothing about me or my problems. I can and did complain that these women were shallow. However, they liked me! They wanted relationships with me. I never saw things correctly≥  I always complained that these girls never wanted the truth and they never liked me.. Now I see things differently. They did not need to prove anything to me. They liked me and wanted a relationship with me. I shut down on them! I was 2 messed up to understand anything. I could not communicate.

I stopped taking interest in people at this point. I gave up completely.

Later in the recovery process!~

Several girls from a few years ago attempted my interest. I practiced on them and learned to be more responsive. I worked with my therapist. Im afraid I made little impression on these girls. They thought little of me and never saw past my symptoms. They helped me with my recovery process and never knew it!


To the present! Last year the same thing happened again. A girl took interest in me, I blew her off and stayed to myself, I ignored her until I stopped all association. I became "cold as ice" I could not help this. I had no control over this narcissistic way of life, and way of treating people! I lost her as I lost the others before her!

I did not want to leave the last girl, and I did not want her to leave me. I wanted her friendship and more.

What Im learning:

It all started with my Mom. And its ending with my awareness to change and the work Im willing to participate in that I get better. And Im getting better.

One must communicate!

God is helping me on a journey that I sift through the past situations and learn from them. That I learn how I hurt people by walking away from them and not talking to them.

The gaol is to wake up and feel and quit being a sociopath narcissist. And I am working through stuff and waking up. I will not have a relationship until this defensive anger is gone. I want no walls between me and someone else that I may have interest in!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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