Im a little better then this morning or yesterday; Last night!
I was well bent out of shape from trauma hit! Im waking up to fast; to many memories! In my memories I have no one protecting me! I'm walking into traps! Im walking into neglect; and I don't know!
I spent my life around people that hated me with a deep set hatred! I did not nothing to them! It was not about me! It was about them and their evil! Yet, In every direction! Bad unsafe people! I was terrorized into submission and humiliation and fear!
I was caught in Stockholm syndrome! All three of us were! my other brothers! they were ruined from the start! by the time I was born; they had already been psychologically ran over and over! they were hurt, passive and hatful! and did not like me; I was a stranger! and I would remain a stranger! They didn't care! people that are being groomed into being sociopaths become isolated and alone! They do not reach out! They go against the outside world! such was the case of one brother! However, I did not know until later!
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Its important that I stick to the recovery process! This morning at a meeting it was brought to my attention; what I was missing! I was listening!
I expect the world owe's me! I am afraid I will loose what I think I am suppose to collect!
And I have a tunnel vision when it comes to options of a problem! Im not used to solving victim problems! However, Im now heading in the direction of movement forward!
I have goals; and I do not know how they will come about!
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I was awake as I am now in college! at that time I was all messed up as I am now; However, I have a recovery in-place in the present!
What was I going to do after college! nothing; no plans! nothing! no goals! my head was cut off! so, Im starting to appreciate goals!
I have many things to learn and face! and much to get honest about! Im a bit hardened from all that Ive been through!
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Im convinced that the women Im interested are a specific type! The problem is; I must want them! I must see something in them that I like! The more Im around women the more Ill meet!
Music and art; This is a hard subject! I see if I'll can change my thinking!
ITs possible to concentrate on what I want or Like! If Im being forced it wont work; I recede and go home!
Ive never recovered at this stage of recovery before! Ive been at this position when very young! I had no recovery to go with it! meaning, now I have this synthetic fabric called a recovery family!