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Recovery from a specific incident

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:53 am

Im looking at a specific incident when young; certainly I had hundreds of incidents occur in my abused life when young; mainly relational aggression! This specific situation occurs at the age of 16 I think! Im heading up to a girls house; my mother is giving me a ride; my mother is a psychopath! Her way of control when I was young; trap me in a car! I had no relationship with her when young! I knew what she was and this jackal was not safe! I was an expert or veteran dealing with her by the age of 3 1/2; my first memories of her as a psychopath; I was in a car with her trapped by her when young! Later in life I would see the full inflection of destruction she would impale on others lives!
When I was 16 I lived in a new city! I had no choice but to move in with my mother again! I had no place to go! I was 14 and being sexually abused and harassed at the last place I was at! my mother and father divorced when I was in the 5th grade! I shake when I use the descriptive words; mother/father. I had no real mother or father! these were monsters disguising themselves as human beings!
At this new location; this new city, I met a girl when 14, I knew her for a few years; she lived up the street! she meant a great deal to me; I was reaching out away from my mother trying to establish new relationships ! She was a safe place for me to go! I was having a hard time telling her how I felt about her! I wanted her but could not follow through! I was stuck emotionally and in my maturity! She did not help by not understanding! I guess she didn't have to; I did!
She meant much more to me then I meant to her; I needed this relationship, I needed it to work; I needed the independence away from my mother and the ability to start a new life; a life started by my own actions based on my own experiences. I needed her and I needed her house as a place to escape to!
one day I was driving with my mother; what you would call a mother; I made the mistake of telling my mother something personal; I told her about the girl up the street, I told her I wanted to go up the street to visit her; my mother began to tear me down psychologically. My mother was a monster with no conscious; a brutal anti human machine that would destroy many lives! my life had already been destroyed by this vermin.
One day I made the mistake of telling this monster something personal; never do this! I was cut to ribbons; sub ribbons! I was told that the girl up the street had no interest in me; that I meant nothing to her, and many other things; the way it was said was in a psychopathic nature; I wont try to explore this with the reader, its to complicated; the nature of talking to an anti social sycophant of no conscious and a bent toward sadistic cruelty toward people under age; it will twist you into a pretzel and leave you feeling controlled and psychologically raped.
I cannot describe this; the effect it had on me; it was a deeper message that nothing had changed; that I was not safe, nor living in this new town was safe for me; that I was not wanted and nothing had changed! I was so freaked out by the deeper nature of this incident, I left town. I had nowhere to go! I had no family, I had been dumped buy the time I was 9 years old.
I lost the girl; I no longer felt like my relationship with her was mine; it was now owned by my mother! so, I had no choice but to leave the area! Please let the reader know; These situations had history behind it; it was a loaded situation of extreme importance of a much larger picture stemming from one original problem. I lost the boundaries to feel; I did not have a personal self; my mother had gotten into my personal life many times and destroyed it; pulled it out from under itself and tore me to pieces; now, it was happening again. I was under the illusion that possibly when I moved to this new town, things would be different; unfortunately this was the same mother I had when 3 1/2 years old; nothing had changed. I was not wanted because this was an inhuman monster that had manipulated their way into a new family; I had been dumped years before from a previous family several folds back; my mother had remarried a few times since my father.
The point is ; this situation was so violating at a past personal level; bringing up the original dangers of ever being around my mother again; I froze up and left town! I left behind the girl that lived up the street; she meant something to me. This incident ruined me; ruined my relationship with this girl; I no longer felt safe to be in this house with my mother or this area. I did not want to live with this psychopath; I knew what she was; she was a monster and a predator and she had stalked a new lover to manipulate into her realm; I did not want this around me; pure evil!
And the girl up the street; I meant nothing to her; she ended up having no lose of never seeing me again; I meant nothing to her! so this turned out to be wrong on my part; I put all my eggs in one basket, and this basket got destroyed; and I was out of luck. This girl that meant so much to me; I was in a fantasy about her; but it was my fantasy, not my mothers or anyone elses; anyone else getting involved would be a violation.
The girl turned out to be nothing; It was an illusion on my part; she never liked me the way I thought she did; or hoped she did; I meant nothing to her; this had nothing to do with my mothers opinions of the situation; my mother knew nothing about my situation with this girl and had no opinion of value concerning it or anything else in my private life! unfortunately, I had no choice but to be around my mother; I was ill equipped to survive on my own and no real home to go to. My home was destroyed out from under me when young; later, I would realize it had been planned all along.
So, I had could not deal with the strange effect of losing this girl that I liked so much; and that it had been a dilution of mine; this girl did not notice me or care; she did not need me the way I needed her; and she did not know I needed her; and she did not know I was dissociative or pulled apart from PTSD!
I needed this girl as an example of a way out or through my problems. I messed this up; this whole thing! Then I realized the girl had pulled the rug out from under me; I meant nothing to her; she was leading me on; she was not serious; she saw no value in me. I meant nothing to her but a bit of attention; she was just using me; using my time and could careless; from this girl to my mother; this was all i could take; nothing was real; I was being led on and used from every angle; I finally left town;
The point of this writing; I would like to be involved in relationships again; and I cant because of this past; However, I would like to learn how to get close to women again and learn how to trust them and have a life back.

The effect this incident had; it controlled me; it controlled me with fear, out of my relationship with the girl up the street! It seemed the building of the relationship up the street had no base; I was trying to develop away from my mother and grow up; now that my mother could make random comments about my person relationships with private people; I was through with all of it. the problem was; I lost the girl; I wanted to have a relationship with her; but it was no longer personal now that my mother was involved!
This loss of this girl caused me to lose my ability to have relationships, and my sex life was destroyed. Because of situations like this; others getting into my business, my personal life; I lost the ability to get close to anyone; I started to have physical avoidance of anyone trying to get close to me; later I would go through more trauma at the next place I lived; they hated me and resented I was living with them; they were suppose to be my friends from the past; I was wrong; I had no friends here.
The point; this incident was the last straw; my envious system collapsed; I had no one; and no friends! I lost this girl that I was trying to develop a relationship with independent and away from my mother; it lost. and I changed; I could not longer allow anyone to get close to me ever again; and my sex life was destroyed along with my private life; for my private life was not my own. I had now where to go. no real friends; the friends I thought I had from the past were fake; they faked me out; they were never close, never friends.
The losing of this girl in my life was the end for me as far as relationships! and I never had a sex life ever again! Now; I would like to develop a sexual life after dissociative disorder goes down; this is now.
Why is this story important; because Im gaining power over it. Im able to look back and deal with it and its effects upon me. The goal is to get my sex life back or developed! a real sex life for an adult is a marvelous and real and important part of life; I realized lately, I don't have one because of the dysfunction of the past and dissociative disorder! Im attempting to learn to bring it back; relationships and sex; this was missing from my life; and I no longer have to run away from these things; I have face or am facing the demonic monsters of the past and busting through them and their lies upon my life. I did not think this was possible; to break through the terror walls! However, Im learning chance taking and would like my sex life back.
sex life and dysfunction; Im OK in bed; the problem is creating a situation of safety that I risk take enough to allow someone in my life to be in bed with them; its the trusting of getting close to someone; its this area that was torn to pieces by mother. And Im now willing to deal with the horror, shock and shame of it all; and over all sadness of losing my young life; losing all of my life numerous times, over n over n over until my mind and connection with life was gone.
Im now in a strange place of fear. Im relearning, in the face of the disasters of the past; to allow the art of letting others get close again; and to allow others to get close enough to have sexual relations. I don't have a sex therapist; I cant afford one; I will work with God on the work necessary and help necessary to work through these serious dysfunction of pain and fear.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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