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Real changes are occurring

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am

I must keep at it; Ive got a chance to work through the issues with my house when young; This being my first house; first one I lived in that I considered my home or home town neighborhood. I did live in other places before I lived in my home town. However, I was to young to know... I was 4 I think when I moved into my house.
The house I lived in; in my home town; this was a view in my mind; a view of something I cherished; my home and my home town. I loved my home town and my house and my school and such. I was young enough to not understand the reality of things; things like bullies and tests and bad sadistic teachers and such. This was the middle 1960's.

I lived in a house.
When I first was introduced to the neighborhood I lived in; I loved it; I thought; " my parents must love me to allow me to live in a place like this; its proof that I am being taken care of and loved; and the grade school was down the block; so; this was more proof that I was loved. In reality; I was being set up to be destroyed; but of course I would not know any thing like this as a small child. I would have already been destroyed if certain situations were not in placed; for I was already exposed to very toxic dangerous bad things; things of neglect...
I moved into my house on C street. It was a perfect house; It was my house; I had a father; nothing else mattered. My mother played a submissive roll and had to comply; she had to feed me or take care of the clothing; that kind of thing. My father was in charge. This stable situation helped me to believe everything on earth was safe and fine. In reality; nothing could be further from the truth; The truth; this women ( mother); was a sadistic psychopath being kept inline by her husband. When he was in control she stayed inline; she stayed inline and played this submissive roll because his family had money; and that is the only reason; no other; she was using him has a host for her own ambitions; nothing more. Her plans to marry father the farmer fell through. He did not end up being what she had planned; she had planned a stable farmer situation; it never happened because he was a paranoid delusional sociopath. Its horrific that these 2 monsters found each other; However, considering frequency; they were both at the same level... it would assume. As long as my needs were being met and felt safe and loved; nothing mattered; unfortunately; I was never safe and never loved; I was living off my own fantasy bond at the time... I was completely alone and never knew it. After nursery school and kindergarten things would change rapidly when starting the first grade; signs of neglect will begin immidialaty; unfortunately; no way for a child to know this; the child begins to feel the symptoms of this but has no idea whats going on or why! no clue.
The house; In the house lives this false family system; I had 2 older brothers; both being destroyed; but I did not know; both being destroyed by severe human neglect; I assume they got clothing and enough to eat; but as for human love and compassion and understanding and help in school or with their future; nothing. They were docile when I begin to remember them; I did not know why at the time; but later I will understand. I did not understand at the time.
Christmas and Charley Brown.
For me; life was like a Christmas story and a Charley Brown special; thats what life was like; thats how I saw it and felt it. And I was allowed to believe this extended story for several years when young; because I was being taken care of and loved?; not? because I was being neglected; I had figured out a way to enter the neighborhood and make a bunch of friends I could get attention from; and I did; And then I would go home and watch Christmas shows and Charley Brown specials on TV and other stuff. I created a giant fun exciting futuristic life in my head. In reality; it was all in my head; meaning; I was on borrowed time and didn't know it. In fact; I was on no time; at no time was a safe ever; but didnt know; and I was being neglected the whole of my life but did not know it; this neglect created an opportunity to become creative and go after what I wanted on my own at an early age. Unfortunately, this neglect will be taken to its final destination and my life will be dejected out of physical realities to a place of torture and gnashing of teeth.
I had fallen in love with my neighborhood and this will cause my downfall.
One solid area of my life was my house; it was the corner stone of safety for me as a child; the building, the structure, the back yard. I was safe from the rest of the world. When no one was home; I had the house to myself. And I was rarely bothered by people in my home when young. In reality; I was never home. I used it as a place for fun. to make models or watch Tv or to sleep or play in the backyard. I created my relationships outside the home. I did not know what my older brothers where doing. later, I would find them to be hostile strangers; I meant nothing to them; they saw me as a threat and an outsider. I never knew; they were never friends of mine; I had to learn this the hard way; most unfortunate. Sad... the fantasy I had created in my head would crumble later in life...
The house. As a child; I had hopes and dreams. As a small child I lived an entire life in this house with stable experiences and many things to look forward to that I created in my head; things of importance. Things I would do on Sunday when I got up and Saturday; stable things; church shows. church, going to my friends to play football; watching sports on TV or children specials on Tv. or making models; reading books, day dreaming; going fishing; many things I looked forward to; And I was left alone to do them because no one knew. I always loved getting up in the mornings on Saturday and playing in the dirt with my trucks in the back yard; every Saturday; I would do this.

The point is; I created a giant world for myself from this house; no one knew; no one. It was silent and in my head; all things I loved to do and places I loved to go and TV shows I loved to watch and when I loved to watch them. I loved to go ice skating on Friday nights and to the matinee at the theater on Saturday afternoon... I loved to draw and make pictures... I would ride around on my bike and I would go to the gym and play basketball; and many other things; and I was hoping to get involved in school and thought I would be involved in plays at the little theater. And I had many more vast dreams I was going to play out in my life in the future; And what a future it was; the 1960's for a kids dreams were fantastic; in every magazine was spy vs spy. And all the comic books and comic book heroes. And the Beetles; I wanted more then anything to become John Lennon when I grew up.


The reality of things; this life I was living and created for myself; it was all destroyed. This life I created was based on the speculation that everything I was experiencing was solid and consistent and stable. And that I came from a solid home...

Everything was destroyed. Many more things I did but I will not go into them here.... things of self love and love for my surroundings and my life... In addition I was taking art classes at the local college; they allowed children to sit in. I assumed I would be involved in schooling from the beginning and be a strait A student; in fact; Im starting to remember this.
One aspect of importance; I saw my parents as loving kind people that really loved me and wanted me to do good. I saw them as standing behind me; they had my back. Its such a horrific tragedy when A child is lied to, used and exploited.
The house;
In the middle of that house was my life; my young precious life and it will be snuffed out at some point and buried.
The house; in that house the real me was enterprising and growing.... And I truly had a dream life bing created; and aligned.
You would think God had blessed me; and He did; However, the blessing came in a different form; It came from my silence. All of what I loved; I stayed silent concerning.

How did I know to stay silent; why or how I knew this; I learned it young; it was natural for me not to tell anyone anything. I kept all my feelings to myself concerning everything I loved. I kept all my dreams and hopes to myself concerning what I loved; and I kept all things I loved to myself; and I kept all future interested to myself; and all things I wanted to be apart of when older I kept to myself. all magical interested for my future; things I dreamed about; I kept to myself; no one knew me.... Not one person. nothing.
Later I would make the mistake of exposing my talents to this worthless dangerous filth I was living with; and it would become half destroyed very quickly; my art interests and music; I almost lost them because of the aggression against them and me from those I thought loved me. Now; looking back; what a horrible nightmare; I was damaged; like giving an alligator my arm to bite on; instead of taking my arm; it half encircled me; dragging me under the water.
The house; In the house was the richness that God was creating within me to have a great life and I was building on that potential as I built my dream; and from within that house. Everything happened within that house. All my dreams occurred in that house; the laboratory of my dreams.
THe house; IT was my stability; the building and its location; the house.
Processing out and letting go;
Now; I Must process myself out of that house; feel the defeat and agony and grief of leaving that house; and all the dreams with it. I must let go of what was to be and embrace " now"; and this is possible; its becoming possible now. So; Im in this process of finding myself inside my imagination within this house; building my self up for the trek; a long trek from this house into a new dimension.
The universe has made it clear; the house is not going anywhere; Im not loosing it or the neighborhood I came from; they are still in tact; what do I need to do?; I need to re grow up in that house until Im big enough and strong enough; then simply walk out of the house a grown man and walk out of the neighborhood into an expanding life from the epicenter of my life; that neighborhood and that house. I must visualize in first person POV; that house; me in it growing and growing from within self within that house until Im ready to walk out the doors and leave. Part of me never wanted to leave that house; and maybe in my dreams I want this time.
Processing; its all about processing right now.
I do not own that house; I must create the house in my mind and allow the universe God; to go into my mind and figure out a way of reliving in that house; seeing myself in the center of that house in the center of my neighborhood and re growing; and this time; keep going, keep growing until Im ion my 20's within that house; and then ; grown and safe; walk out of that house into a my life; walking through the neighborhood I loved; carrying for it; and walking right out of it into new connections and possibilities.
The house;
re living in that house; this time Im making the choices when I leave that neighborhood. God never wanted me to leave that neighborhood. so Im back; now I must allow God to do his work and re build my life again from this neighborhood.
Do I really need to be at or in that house. Maybe; one walk through in the back yard. but I already did that 35 years ago; it was a fluke; but I got to revisit the inside of that house.
Do I need to be in the house to re build; no; it can be done in my imagination As God sees fit. Its a challenge because of what I know will be the future; I will be destroyed at some point so; the child in me is scared; my nervous system is on red alert when I think of that house; for it represents pure evil; concerning what happened to me.
The father and mother of this story are murder's. And many forms of murder exist; I was murdered in several ways and left to die. And this came from this house......

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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