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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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re changing the present

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm

Im in change; this is how I see it; Im no different then a 4-5 year old in nursery school who is just waking up to life and making plans for the future.
Today, Im like a beat down 4 year old; but Im starting to know who I am; “Im” a beat down 4 year old; thats my opinion; not someone else's; its mine; meaning; Im not involving someone else or allowing my focus on someone else of what they might think; don't need it; Im standing on my own to decide who I am and whats wrong; When I suggest “ someone else” Im talking about abusers from the past; nothing more.
So; the point is; Im at this point of looking at giving the world another chance for me to be in it; Im scared and overwhelmed; for I have about as much as a 4 year old monetarily; Im not much older then 4 when it comes to taking care of my life. I don't know how to make money; Im working with the universe; unfortunately; my schooling was destroyed young; I never got started in it; I was dissociated the whole time because of my home circumstance.
So; here I am with a nervous system full of misery and pain. But its not all about that; but it is; Im not miserable, Im miserable because Im not doing anything with my life; thats whats causing misery.
When I think about doing something with my life; my mind goes back to the past where a house existed and a yard and I hide their; or want to be their and relive my life; hide their; where Im safe. I was safe because I was neglected and my father would not allow my mother to touch me because I was his property; one sociopath dominating the psychopath; in the end; I was left alone “ for a few years” or I thought that; In reality; I was being groomed to be destroyed; but didnt know it. So; Ive had a hard time being in the present; because theirs no money here now; theirs no boat or car or anything; I live like a loser in loser vill and I don't like it; I liked the middle class life; it felt safe being protected by money; I felt privileged relative to where Im at now; I could do anything I wanted; and someone else took care of me; I was thrown away to young and never learned how to take care of me; and I ended up on the skids in the broken part of town.
I suppose what Im saying it; from the ages of 4 to eight; “ childhood” I was taken care of; what do I mean; I mean; I feel the same way allot of adults feel; “ I wish I could live in childhood again; someone else was paying the bills and bought the house; all I had to do was go to the second grade; come home and play nerf football with the neighbor kids”. And that went on for a few years; but only a few years. And their were problems; I was being exploited and didnt know it, in many ways and used, and didnt know it. and set up to take a fall and didnt know it.
So, as a broken down person; where do I go from here. A person with no confidence in the present; where do I go from here..? thats what Im working on.
One area I'm realizing now; I was brainwashed and broken; no self esteem left; no self respect left; well, Actually, Ive always had self respect; but no connection to society; it was taken from me; now its my responsibly to get it back. And I believe I can get it back.
I know who I am; does that help; Im a bullied beat down destroyed person; severely abused of specific natures; terrified and traumatized to the point of disability. I saw to much over n over n over; and was forced into to bad things against my ethics and safety; and self preservation; over n over n over n over n over n over over over m over..... And I was to young and innocent to know to protect myself or hide; I knew nothing was wrong or happening to me while it was happening to me; but it was happening all around me and to me, but I did not know I was being murdered; I was 2 young to know until it started catching up with me later; and things got worse; I was thrown away at birth; I was a foster child at birth; regardless of who I lived with; I was not part of or wanted; I had natural escape plans when young; but they were destroyed as I was derailed and destroyed.
I was fooled by the modern concept that a biological mother and father are you your side when in reality; they were no different then kidnappers who rape and destroyed the world And they start with the victims in their own home; they eat them alive; In my case; I was not physically raped by either of these people; later, I will be given to someone by the psychopath in this situation and these new people I had to live with; they will rape me; one will rape me, demean me as if Im in a prison camp; the other will deny any of it existing as its going on around her; and she is fully aware of it; for I am not the first child abused; they had abused others; no conscious about anything. I ended up with a ruined life and unable to function going into adulthood.
The point is; Im awake and damaged; severally damaged but awake and with the understanding of starting over at about the time I was in nursery school; lets give it another shot.
My goal is to recharge my life; rebuild it back; man; how in the world am I going to clear my mind and start over after what Ive been through; after all the damaged has been done and the scars; how am I going to pull this off; I dont know; work with the universe; Im actually, already doing it; I mean its like this.
Imagine your at the park; everything’s great; suddenly you realize you have to cross a pool; a shallow swimming pool. you cant turn back; you cant move forward unless you cross the swimming pool. And their it is; I have to take my shoes off; roll up my pant legs; put my feet into the cold water and cross it; and it means disruption; Im getting disrupted from my life; Im facing change in the face of laziness; its disruption; and Im facing that disruption right now; And Im lazy and used to talking and not taking any chances in the real world. and it hurts really hurts to get off my azz and do something; and do it in the area of productivity for the better of my health and wealth of this life; but Im realizing something; Who is going to do it; I mean; who? I am; and thats strange and awe inspiring that Im going to do something; Im going to do the work.
From another perspective; if I had a dream in the past; say; going to the lake for summer vacation; I know I was going and dreaming about it; but I thought my father was supplying the trip; and he did; or I thought he was supplying it; I took me on a trip to the lake; So, it was fun; it was fun because I didnt have to do anything and it was all payed for.
Now; in the present; I want to go to the lake; but a problem arises; who’s got the money for such thins; I dont have it; So; I have to work with the universe to get the money; and thats the difference.
Im going to do things again for my life against the massive triggering of PTSD that goes on and on all day long every hour; Im going against those thoughts that hi jack my focus; “ my thoughts are thinking me instead of me thinking my thoughts”.
Im not waking up with a whole lot; I dont have mansions; in fact; Im actually forced to believe I have mansions; so; I have to learn to believe or think I have them; and thats what kids have to do; and Im mad that I have to go back to being a kid in nature like that when Im a grown man; do I really have to start all the way over again; didnt I get any further; I guess not; I guess I never made it out of kindergarten. O well; Ill be starting over in the real world; one has to take an inventory of their life where it is and be honest and start over from that point.
So; Im starting over; but Im a broken beaten down 4 year old but this 4 year old is standing on his own 2 feet; and thats the difference; I can defend myself a little bit; not much; but a little; Im still very damaged an dissociative and not not home; so... Im fragile goods; Im still damaged; but Im now on my feet; and things seem overwhelming to me.
Whats interesting to me; I claim everything is overwhelming to me; thats because I never grew past nursery school; never did get started in anything; everything was destroyed after nursery school including my dreams; Now I must step away from everything; regather my senses and start again from where I was in the beginning and rewrite my story.
Im also relearning how to re scripted my story from the past; and ill be learning that and rewriting it; along with writing new stories about my present and my future the way I want it; and let me say; thousands of stories have to be written; maybe 10,000 have to be written to get the job done, before change occurs; so I better get started; Ive written about a 1000 or more; so Im on my way.
Im damaged person; who’s going back to start over from a damaged perspective; an acceptance perspective. And Im learning to possibly look into giving life another change; but this time its harder; I wont be expecting anyone else to show up and show me how its done and if they dont; Ill be let down; thats not happening this time; Im more on my own this time; I have to learn how to become something on my own; this means finding information from experts on my own; and finding the right support for my interests on my own; I dont want or think someone else is going to show up like “ parents” that will take the weight of most of the situation that I shave smooth sailing; Im doing this one dry; boring or what ever work is; on my own; Im calling the shots and will deal with the losses and deal with it like anyone else thats had to make it on their own in their life; However, the universe and God are with me; Im not alone.... So with that.....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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