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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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re changing the present

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm

Im in change; this is how I see it; Im no different then a 4-5 year old in nursery school who is just waking up to life and making plans for the future.
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Today, Im like a beat down 4 year old; but Im starting to know who I am; “Im” a beat down 4 year old; thats my opinion; not someone else's; its mine; meaning; Im not involving someone else or allowing my focus on someone else of what they might think; don't need it; Im standing on my own to decide who I am and whats wrong; When I suggest “ someone else” Im talking about abusers from the past; nothing more.
So; the point is; Im at this point of looking at giving the world another chance for me to be in it; Im scared and overwhelmed; for I have about as much as a 4 year old monetarily; Im not much older then 4 when it comes to taking care of my life. I don't know how to make money; Im working with the universe; unfortunately; my schooling was destroyed young; I never got started in it; I was dissociated the whole time because of my home circumstance.
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So; here I am with a nervous system full of misery and pain. But its not all about that; but it is; Im not miserable, Im miserable because Im not doing anything with my life; thats whats causing misery.
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When I think about doing something with my life; my mind goes back to the past where a house existed and a yard and I hide their; or want to be their and relive my life; hide their; where Im safe. I was safe because I was neglected and my father would not allow my mother to touch me because I was his property; one sociopath dominating the psychopath; in the end; I was left alone “ for a few years” or I thought that; In reality; I was being groomed to be destroyed; but didnt know it. So; Ive had a hard time being in the present; because theirs no money here now; theirs no boat or car or anything; I live like a loser in loser vill and I don't like it; I liked the middle class life; it felt safe being protected by money; I felt privileged relative to where Im at now; I could do anything I wanted; and someone else took care of me; I was thrown away to young and never learned how to take care of me; and I ended up on the skids in the broken part of town.
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I suppose what Im saying it; from the ages of 4 to eight; “ childhood” I was taken care of; what do I mean; I mean; I feel the same way allot of adults feel; “ I wish I could live in childhood again; someone else was paying the bills and bought the house; all I had to do was go to the second grade; come home and play nerf football with the neighbor kids”. And that went on for a few years; but only a few years. And their were problems; I was being exploited and didnt know it, in many ways and used, and didnt know it. and set up to take a fall and didnt know it.
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So, as a broken down person; where do I go from here. A person with no confidence in the present; where do I go from here..? thats what Im working on.
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One area I'm realizing now; I was brainwashed and broken; no self esteem left; no self respect left; well, Actually, Ive always had self respect; but no connection to society; it was taken from me; now its my responsibly to get it back. And I believe I can get it back.
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I know who I am; does that help; Im a bullied beat down destroyed person; severely abused of specific natures; terrified and traumatized to the point of disability. I saw to much over n over n over; and was forced into to bad things against my ethics and safety; and self preservation; over n over n over n over n over n over over over m over..... And I was to young and innocent to know to protect myself or hide; I knew nothing was wrong or happening to me while it was happening to me; but it was happening all around me and to me, but I did not know I was being murdered; I was 2 young to know until it started catching up with me later; and things got worse; I was thrown away at birth; I was a foster child at birth; regardless of who I lived with; I was not part of or wanted; I had natural escape plans when young; but they were destroyed as I was derailed and destroyed.
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I was fooled by the modern concept that a biological mother and father are you your side when in reality; they were no different then kidnappers who rape and destroyed the world And they start with the victims in their own home; they eat them alive; In my case; I was not physically raped by either of these people; later, I will be given to someone by the psychopath in this situation and these new people I had to live with; they will rape me; one will rape me, demean me as if Im in a prison camp; the other will deny any of it existing as its going on around her; and she is fully aware of it; for I am not the first child abused; they had abused others; no conscious about anything. I ended up with a ruined life and unable to function going into adulthood.
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The point is; Im awake and damaged; severally damaged but awake and with the understanding of starting over at about the time I was in nursery school; lets give it another shot.
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My goal is to recharge my life; rebuild it back; man; how in the world am I going to clear my mind and start over after what Ive been through; after all the damaged has been done and the scars; how am I going to pull this off; I dont know; work with the universe; Im actually, already doing it; I mean its like this.
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Imagine your at the park; everything’s great; suddenly you realize you have to cross a pool; a shallow swimming pool. you cant turn back; you cant move forward unless you cross the swimming pool. And their it is; I have to take my shoes off; roll up my pant legs; put my feet into the cold water and cross it; and it means disruption; Im getting disrupted from my life; Im facing change in the face of laziness; its disruption; and Im facing that disruption right now; And Im lazy and used to talking and not taking any chances in the real world. and it hurts really hurts to get off my azz and do something; and do it in the area of productivity for the better of my health and wealth of this life; but Im realizing something; Who is going to do it; I mean; who? I am; and thats strange and awe inspiring that Im going to do something; Im going to do the work.
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From another perspective; if I had a dream in the past; say; going to the lake for summer vacation; I know I was going and dreaming about it; but I thought my father was supplying the trip; and he did; or I thought he was supplying it; I took me on a trip to the lake; So, it was fun; it was fun because I didnt have to do anything and it was all payed for.
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Now; in the present; I want to go to the lake; but a problem arises; who’s got the money for such thins; I dont have it; So; I have to work with the universe to get the money; and thats the difference.
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Im going to do things again for my life against the massive triggering of PTSD that goes on and on all day long every hour; Im going against those thoughts that hi jack my focus; “ my thoughts are thinking me instead of me thinking my thoughts”.
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Im not waking up with a whole lot; I dont have mansions; in fact; Im actually forced to believe I have mansions; so; I have to learn to believe or think I have them; and thats what kids have to do; and Im mad that I have to go back to being a kid in nature like that when Im a grown man; do I really have to start all the way over again; didnt I get any further; I guess not; I guess I never made it out of kindergarten. O well; Ill be starting over in the real world; one has to take an inventory of their life where it is and be honest and start over from that point.
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So; Im starting over; but Im a broken beaten down 4 year old but this 4 year old is standing on his own 2 feet; and thats the difference; I can defend myself a little bit; not much; but a little; Im still very damaged an dissociative and not not home; so... Im fragile goods; Im still damaged; but Im now on my feet; and things seem overwhelming to me.
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Whats interesting to me; I claim everything is overwhelming to me; thats because I never grew past nursery school; never did get started in anything; everything was destroyed after nursery school including my dreams; Now I must step away from everything; regather my senses and start again from where I was in the beginning and rewrite my story.
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Im also relearning how to re scripted my story from the past; and ill be learning that and rewriting it; along with writing new stories about my present and my future the way I want it; and let me say; thousands of stories have to be written; maybe 10,000 have to be written to get the job done, before change occurs; so I better get started; Ive written about a 1000 or more; so Im on my way.
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Im damaged person; who’s going back to start over from a damaged perspective; an acceptance perspective. And Im learning to possibly look into giving life another change; but this time its harder; I wont be expecting anyone else to show up and show me how its done and if they dont; Ill be let down; thats not happening this time; Im more on my own this time; I have to learn how to become something on my own; this means finding information from experts on my own; and finding the right support for my interests on my own; I dont want or think someone else is going to show up like “ parents” that will take the weight of most of the situation that I shave smooth sailing; Im doing this one dry; boring or what ever work is; on my own; Im calling the shots and will deal with the losses and deal with it like anyone else thats had to make it on their own in their life; However, the universe and God are with me; Im not alone.... So with that.....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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