When Im rapidly changing around this place; I start moving forward or processing; I come here and write many blogs very close in timing... close nit... lots of them; one after the other; I dont always know where its all going when it starts; but I know now; Im starting to see it; as I make literal break throughs and thats whats happened; Im making break throughs to self actualization; Ive broken through to the other side.
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Im not sure I can describe all the changes or what they mean. Ive broken through to my childhood.... my real feelings I was feeling at the time and why I was feeling them; thus I can work on what was bugging me then; the core problems...
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When young I was dissociated and always getting worse; from the very beginning of my life; I was not being given a chances to be in safe places to open up correctly to others; I had to seek out my own friends and false family; meaning; friends family members and use them as family surrogates. I wanted what I saw on TV; expressive conversations with people who treated me kindly with respect and wanted to be around me and liked me... I was a sensitive person and wanted friends and to be loved and develop; to be liked.
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For the first couple of years of my life; it happened; I was able to find people to associate with; friends; unfortunately ; the main friends I had were actually faking it; they were never my friends; I was being used but never knew it.
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So; I was trying to build my dreams when a child; my social dreams. To feel like I had family and to be loved and for the first few years I pulled it off by hanging out at nieghbors houses. But it did not last long.
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So; I was destroyed in many ways; all ways.. completely destroyed; and did not have the ability to physically get close to anyone anymore; Dissociative disorder; full; CPTSD; AVPD; clinical depression at that time... Agoraphobia and so forth... Trauma related problems.
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I could not talk to anyone; I could not communicate; that was taken from me by my mother making things completely unsafe up close to the point I would dissociate and that got worse and later after being thrown away and given away; all of that gets worse until Im completely disabled.
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Recently Ive been coming out of trauma related past stuff; thats what all the writing is about; ive been moving through traumas and the dealings with Bad people...
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Now; Im starting to self actualize on the idea that my primary problem and interest is discussions with others; interacting with others; conversations with others; my focus is on that; why is this important; Because ive not mentioned anything else; Nothing else. its as if Im becoming free; Ive worked through a lot of things in the time Ive Been in the recovery process. Im telling you the focus of what im interested in is conversing with others; And thats it? Nothing else bothering me? Not really; Im at a point where this is becoming clearer to me... No resentments? Not really... That just can be true; but the center resentment is against my mother.
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As of late; ive been seeing the core problem as my association with my mother up close; this has made me feel unsafe until I dissociated and stayed that way after a long while. I have to work through the times my mother was physically close to me and how I felt about it; intimidated and scared and destroyed; But after this; Im much freer to move around in life. I mean; I have a goal and its to find the right people that are smart and kind and interact with them.... Thats my primary goal.
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Ill keep expressing myself on this subject until it makes more sense to me.
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So; my mothers interactions with me; any of them made me uncomfortable and nervous and feared; I felt uneasiness and fear up close; I knew this person was trying to cause harm and was not safe; had no conscious; she was not on my side ever about anything and ill try to get away from her or stay away from her permanently; As I write this; Im mad because Im talking about the beginning of my life and no one was around to protect me from this ######6 monster! I had to be around this child molester; child destroyer; I mean every day I had to associate with this trash filth.... its not fair; this was more then trash filth; this was a criminal of a brutal nature... Should have been killed or locked up... murdered or locked up; gotten away from the human race; destroyed; pure evil.
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The point is; I never dealt with the horrors of day in n out of being around this monsters and it took its toll on me at some point because I was always under stress being around this evil presence that was not safe for children; ever. The point is; Im starting to see the core of my problems; it was being around my mother; being exposed around this hideous creature; her over n over n over n over n over 10 thousands of times. This causes grave problems with my mental health nervous system and destroyed my social abilities completely at some point and put me into a state of permanent dissociation..... And this is closer to the truth. Not being able to get away from her or fight back; that caused learned helplessness and flight or flight and fawn and freeze or what ever... And that is what I was going through when I was a boy; and Im starting to get in touch with that now. How I had to go back to her; back to our home and be around her and their is it; I was never able to get away from her. I tried. But I always had to come back and could not escape.
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And now; I plan to learn how to rebuild my life escaping from my mother again. And so its healthy part of me saying; Im not associating with that monster anymore; im going to go out and make a life for myself; a social life to replace what I was suppose to get from my mother.. And their it is; ive got my hands full; but this is the ME as when a child.. So; That is a very good thing to be that far along in my recovery process.
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so; when you ask me about my past and what the problem is; I now simply pin point my mother as the problem; my associating with her and then I describe what that associating with her was like; how it affected me and scared me and I felt all alone and thrown away and with no one to protect me when I was around her and how I was always forced to be around her... And their is the real core of the problems and notice I didnt bring anything else up.
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However,. later I went through sexual abuse and that is another form of real horror; mind boggling terror and fear and sadness and worse; but its kind of along the same lines; I was forced around a psychopath against my will; and how I interacted with them; dances with them you might say; the dance of horror... with no choice on my part; I could not say no or escape; and their it is again; my interactions with a psychopath; and how to escape freeze mode... and terror.
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So; Im getting closer; very close; not their yet; still dissociation around these subjects but getting closer...
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And that is why Ive been writing so much; its a major giant huge break through..... Huge.....
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In all reality; their will be much more brought up; but for my independence; This is a major key to my recovery work.