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R and W #23; No women has ever wanted to be my wife.....

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 10, 2022 11:07 am

Allot of work in my recovery process is about waking up from a protected fantasy bond; Ive had several; certainly I had a childhood fantasy bond. However, I was moved into an adult fantasy bond as well when the world was crumbling around me... I went from a childhood fantasy bond into someone crushing my life right from that fantasy bond; brutal monsters. Ive been in one ever since... I went from that protective fantasy bond to full dissociative disorder caused by massive PTSD overloads? Is that how shrinks look at it these days; who knows; its the only phrasing I know that makes sense.
The first girl I loved did not like me; did not have any interest in me. Was not who I thought she was; she turns out to be like everyone else; not special; nothing! She abandons me and turns on me like anyone else of an average nature that sees very little if any reason to know me.. Has a generalized arrogance that is way beyond my scope of reality or interest. In other words; she seems to be a normal regular shallow person in society and nothing else. I made her into something else. Basically she is a stranger I made into someone close to me; this is a very stupid and dangerous thing to do; and I got bit! and the bite was ruthlessly hard... and it broke bones... I was in a fantasy bond.
The work Im doing is waking me up to the fact that I had no lose here because this person fell fare short; so fare short of being what I wanted them to be or thought they were; something was wrong with my filtering system of taking in correct information. in fact; Im not sure I was ever taking in any information. I think a fantasy wall was created by those areas in my nervous system that had been overloaded and ruptured; this created to keep me safe from the outside world.
I made the horrible mistake of opening up those walls for the wrong person. After being destroyed several times; for some strange reason I opened myself up to this next person; THis FIRST LOVE; and I was destroyed the same way I had always been destroyed by bad people. Im not sure; maybe I was tired and just once wanted to create someone into the idea of a decent person that would like me; I just wanted to be liked. It never happened. I got a hold of a female thug; that was all; and I was ripped to pieces; shredded; shredded with no conscious. I thought this was my friend and would never turn on me or forsake me. This person turned on me and forsook me in almost normal regular person fashion. In fact; it was right in line with the average worthless shallow people in society; I mean it was perfectly inline with them; thus telling me this person had always been a kind of shallow minded regular person. THe point is; I created them over the top larger then life within my fantasy bond. And I was destroyed for it.
That's not true; I was not destroyed by this person because of who they might have been; I was destroyed because I left my room in the house I was staying in at the time and ventured out on my own accord; I listened to 2 drug addicts lie to me; I got into their car; ended up at a house with this young women as one of the occupants... and the rest is history. No one wanted to meet me; no one came to my house. I did this! I simply found another bad person... and for what ever unbelievable insane stupid reason; I let my walls down at which time I was sucked in; manipulated and completely torn apart.
I let my walls down because I was a damaged person looking for relief; and when I let those walls down; I was immediately destroyed.
The work Im doing under the universe is to become strong enough to allow myself to see the truth and sit with it; its about coming back into reality.
THis girl Im talking about here; she doesn't just represent that time period I was looking for a wife; she represent maybe half or more of the people Ive ever met. She represents a wide swath of fake average people I tried to make into decent people within my imagination and at which I was pummeled to death.
In conclusion; a regular shallow limited average or less then average person in society. Or normal average person in society; when speaking of character.... Not real faithful; maybe not a complete goon... In this case tho; this person was a monster!
I was in a meeting Monday! a night meeting; full. I noticed certain women in the meeting; I could tell I meant nothing to them; Id seen them before to try to get their attention kind of; in covert ways; I guess the ways all men and women try to get the opposite sexes attention without actually being direct.
I was given no interest from the moment I walked in; to the point; I felt something else was wrong; I was being given a kind of opposite attention; not sure how to explain it; I got out of there. Sunny Jesus told me to run. this was not a place for my recovery today; stay away from those people and dont go near them again...
The women I saw in that meeting had no interest in me. Indifference is what they had for me. They never think of me because I am not attractive to them and I mean nothing to them. So I left; for that and other reasons.
The point is; my fantasy of those women was broken into heartache... a bit. I wanted to be something in their eyes... The cool thing is I learned very quickly I wasnt... and thats a great thing to find out! and to find out in a very safe indirect fashion.
Heres my point about all of this; THe girl up the street was no different then the girls in this meeting on Monday; She had no interest in me; and did not have the capacity to have any interest in me; or interest. Or simply had no interest in me... its that simple. Never claimed to want interest in me; never sought me out.
Ive found no women who have had interest in me; non of them! Nothing! Zero.... This is more of a testament about them then it is me. except to intake the dangers of my fantasy thinking; fantasy bond when it attempts to travel outside my physical space into the outer world; I get myself into trouble...
The importance about the girl up the street; my first love is; she indicates everyone; everything... she represents how I interreact with the world. A shallow cultureless world. A limited world that I try to color with my inner visions. When in reality; its just a boring shallow limited self centered place... No one was ever thinking about me...
The best statement I can make is; No One was Ever Thinking about Me.
So; the most advanced I can become concerning dealing with people in general is; I was of no importance to them or interest; I was of no importance to anyone. I tried to make myself of interest to them; it could never work; they were nothing; and nothing more then thugs of one nature or another; no more then this. And in the end thats exactly how I was treated.
In many cases I was not looked at or of any interest by anyone. I just thought I was!!
The people I was dealing with where just as limited as the people before them and they acted in a thus a manner...
Im trying to create a visual of what Im seeing and feeling.
No real women for me to marry from up the street existed; it was just a female thug; but I was not looking at the picture correctly. I was in a massive fantasy bond.. Thats the best way to describe it; and in the end I ended up like anyone else that would have gotten involved with this female thug; I ended up destroyed almost from the start; just as others before me probably got destroyed and Im sure after I was gone others came and went after getting destroyed. Nothing new here under the sun.
I can see this person as being limited. I tried to make them out to be someone like a savior friend that would never leave me or abandon me; someone that needed me and wanted me to need them; Im not sure where I came up with all that. No one I met fit that description. The girl up the street was just a user of people; shallow and had no staying power or interest; whether an opportunist; who knows; in reality I knew very little about the person; but she turns out to have about the same amount of character as the general shallow person in society; she is no different and her actions indicate someone with little interest in staying faithful to someone or a friend to someone; she was more faithless probably an adulteress and always had been; corrupt? Probably! Values? probably not! No different then allot of people; limited ability or understanding of how or why to uphold friendship; friendship probably meant very little to her... Something of the moment... to discard when moving on to a better opportunity.
So; the work Im doing is starting to allow me that footing to walk out of the fantasy bond into the real world and see things for what they really are but still stand on my own 2 feet without a nervous breakdown... and thats whats delicately is happening. Im not dying altho its a chancy venture what Im doing.
ITs hard all of this. Ill keep at the work Im doing and slowly wake up; not only from the girl up the street but everyone else.
The girl up the street represents almost every relationship I ever had in one form or another... She represents the reality of the outside world; a good profile of whom Ive always been dealing with out in the real world...
Im just now able to kind of wake up to it... unfortunately its hard; all of this; I have not had family support. Ive been all alone.
As I mentioned before; their has been no women interested in me my entire life... So; Ive been alone all my life... I do not have any family... Nothing.
I have God; Im in the recovery rooms and processes but they take me only so fare... its all good but they do not supply a life out in the real world. THey are part of my work with the universe GOd!
Everything is good...


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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