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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1108)
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- November 2020
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Purpose

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm

With CPTSD; I feel trapped; or have felt trapped; I have a great amount of PTSD running through my mind at all times from all periods of my life; specifically my younger life where I was demolished and demoralized at every turn with no escape; I was destroyed and thrown away and no one cared and no one cared if they ever saw me again; so; I went into a state of shock.
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Im undeveloped; that is part of the abuse; no development and Im an intelligent person that had planned to do great things with my life; I assumed the people I was living with were going to help me achieve; instead they destroyed me; I never saw it coming; I just never knew until it was 2 late; I was 2 young in all cases; no one was looking out for me or cared what happened to me; they simply watched as a faltered and fell. I meant nothing to everyone.
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So; here I am now; trying to move on past this stuff because I know its in my head and not outside my head; but my God is it in my head; a full head of another world; or worlds going on; as if im living in them now.
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So; Im out here now in this reality today; todays reality; and I would like to do things I consider my purpose and social things equal to my intelligence.
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I have a massive amount of negative anti social thinking; and its causing great harm right now; I feel very defensive and dont know where to express any of this accept here; at least Im starting to get more honest about it; its very hard; Ive never felt part of anything; thus; I cant talk about anything with anyone. its all very hardcore stuff.
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So; Im tying to hang on and be present and Im getting better.
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So; I wanted to do many things when young; I never did any of them; Now; I can see it has to do with being social and it has to do with purpose; what is my purpose; its so hard to pick something; Im made and want a pay off; Im not doing anything l like to do; Im not sure what that is or what it looks like.
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When I start something; Im mad because I should have been doing other things may whole life that I can get a life out of this deal; I was brian washed by one of the psychopaths and its having its effects on me.
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So; what is my purpose? lets say its art; how hard is doing art; not that hard; but I get mad that my whole life is drawn into one picture. Meaning, wheres all the accomplishments I was suppose to achieve; where is it; if I start doing art; I must look at what had never happened for me; the work at art will trigger where I never got to in life; and that is to much; it does hurt; I mean; I can feel it right now; but its also inside of me trying to control me; and Im trying to fight back and control it. What do I want to do out here in reality. What direction would make me feel good and go do it. That is so hard for me; it causes such grief and hatred and rage and anger and hostility. However, I would like to know what it is; to really feel good going in a direction I like; would really like to know.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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