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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (956)
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- July 2019
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Purpose

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm

With CPTSD; I feel trapped; or have felt trapped; I have a great amount of PTSD running through my mind at all times from all periods of my life; specifically my younger life where I was demolished and demoralized at every turn with no escape; I was destroyed and thrown away and no one cared and no one cared if they ever saw me again; so; I went into a state of shock.
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Im undeveloped; that is part of the abuse; no development and Im an intelligent person that had planned to do great things with my life; I assumed the people I was living with were going to help me achieve; instead they destroyed me; I never saw it coming; I just never knew until it was 2 late; I was 2 young in all cases; no one was looking out for me or cared what happened to me; they simply watched as a faltered and fell. I meant nothing to everyone.
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So; here I am now; trying to move on past this stuff because I know its in my head and not outside my head; but my God is it in my head; a full head of another world; or worlds going on; as if im living in them now.
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So; Im out here now in this reality today; todays reality; and I would like to do things I consider my purpose and social things equal to my intelligence.
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I have a massive amount of negative anti social thinking; and its causing great harm right now; I feel very defensive and dont know where to express any of this accept here; at least Im starting to get more honest about it; its very hard; Ive never felt part of anything; thus; I cant talk about anything with anyone. its all very hardcore stuff.
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So; Im tying to hang on and be present and Im getting better.
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So; I wanted to do many things when young; I never did any of them; Now; I can see it has to do with being social and it has to do with purpose; what is my purpose; its so hard to pick something; Im made and want a pay off; Im not doing anything l like to do; Im not sure what that is or what it looks like.
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When I start something; Im mad because I should have been doing other things may whole life that I can get a life out of this deal; I was brian washed by one of the psychopaths and its having its effects on me.
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So; what is my purpose? lets say its art; how hard is doing art; not that hard; but I get mad that my whole life is drawn into one picture. Meaning, wheres all the accomplishments I was suppose to achieve; where is it; if I start doing art; I must look at what had never happened for me; the work at art will trigger where I never got to in life; and that is to much; it does hurt; I mean; I can feel it right now; but its also inside of me trying to control me; and Im trying to fight back and control it. What do I want to do out here in reality. What direction would make me feel good and go do it. That is so hard for me; it causes such grief and hatred and rage and anger and hostility. However, I would like to know what it is; to really feel good going in a direction I like; would really like to know.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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