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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Purpose

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm

With CPTSD; I feel trapped; or have felt trapped; I have a great amount of PTSD running through my mind at all times from all periods of my life; specifically my younger life where I was demolished and demoralized at every turn with no escape; I was destroyed and thrown away and no one cared and no one cared if they ever saw me again; so; I went into a state of shock.
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Im undeveloped; that is part of the abuse; no development and Im an intelligent person that had planned to do great things with my life; I assumed the people I was living with were going to help me achieve; instead they destroyed me; I never saw it coming; I just never knew until it was 2 late; I was 2 young in all cases; no one was looking out for me or cared what happened to me; they simply watched as a faltered and fell. I meant nothing to everyone.
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So; here I am now; trying to move on past this stuff because I know its in my head and not outside my head; but my God is it in my head; a full head of another world; or worlds going on; as if im living in them now.
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So; Im out here now in this reality today; todays reality; and I would like to do things I consider my purpose and social things equal to my intelligence.
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I have a massive amount of negative anti social thinking; and its causing great harm right now; I feel very defensive and dont know where to express any of this accept here; at least Im starting to get more honest about it; its very hard; Ive never felt part of anything; thus; I cant talk about anything with anyone. its all very hardcore stuff.
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So; Im tying to hang on and be present and Im getting better.
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So; I wanted to do many things when young; I never did any of them; Now; I can see it has to do with being social and it has to do with purpose; what is my purpose; its so hard to pick something; Im made and want a pay off; Im not doing anything l like to do; Im not sure what that is or what it looks like.
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When I start something; Im mad because I should have been doing other things may whole life that I can get a life out of this deal; I was brian washed by one of the psychopaths and its having its effects on me.
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So; what is my purpose? lets say its art; how hard is doing art; not that hard; but I get mad that my whole life is drawn into one picture. Meaning, wheres all the accomplishments I was suppose to achieve; where is it; if I start doing art; I must look at what had never happened for me; the work at art will trigger where I never got to in life; and that is to much; it does hurt; I mean; I can feel it right now; but its also inside of me trying to control me; and Im trying to fight back and control it. What do I want to do out here in reality. What direction would make me feel good and go do it. That is so hard for me; it causes such grief and hatred and rage and anger and hostility. However, I would like to know what it is; to really feel good going in a direction I like; would really like to know.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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