I remember the first girl I loved; I loved nothing; I loved God and the energy was flowing through me to have a girl I could love; I attracted a monster; I dont know why; I attracted a sociopath at age 14; I did; not strange; my first best friend was a kind of sociopath... he will turn into a monster later; he was from a rich family; I didnt really know him very well; or what I was getting into; pure evil; in the end he was not my friend; he was a stranger and I never knew it. He was a stranger because we had nothing in common within us; I had God; he and his family thought they were God; pure evil type; not good; stay away…
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The first girl I fell in love with was fake or false situation; false start; mistaken identity. She was pure evil but I did not know. In fact; red flags went off at first; looking back; I didnt care. She later said I meant nothing to her; God showed Me; that was Satan slamming the door behind me... She was a daughter of Satan and nothing more. In fact; I was not suppose to be their; it may have been God that got me out of their; I was crushed and destroyed. but why could I have not loved a nice girl and had a normal life. She may have been calling out to God/Jesus for help. Satan said to me; “ God I know, Jesus I know, The Holy Spirit i know, But you Omnicell; who are you?” And satan beat me to a pulp and through me out onto the street. And i walked away from that street; and I saw Satan; And satan told me that the girl was his and the street was his and everything that lived on it. And told me to stay away. I told Satan I wanted the girl; He told me she belonged to him. And then he told me its Because she wanted it that way and suddenly slammed the door in my face and all was gone.
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I went back to God…. broken; heart broken, disillusioned mortified and a retard. It seemed I was a retard when dealing with life. But God pointed something out to me. “ Omnicell; you came back to God; not satan. You always come back to me; said God”. “ Omnicell” “ The others; when they are broken; they go back to satan because Satan is their father… You always come back to me because you are innocent and I have always been your father… And you naturally always come back to me.
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I have to learn that i am as dumb as a stump and completely blind when i first pick the road im suppose to go down; Im completely lost; Im a small child hidden within the walls of imagination and when i attempt to pick the right road in real life; i am wrong. So; i need help picking the right road to go down…. If i turn and am on the right road; i will find the right friends and my wife; she will be waiting for me somewhere down the right road; and the right road is in the direction of God not Satan.
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Captain save a Devil girl has to park his ship. Captain save a Ho White Knight must put his cape up and retire….
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Lately I was groomed and distantly and mildly love bombed by a narcissist; I never saw it coming. But what she did next startled me. She began the process of grooming me through fake physical gestures of attraction; they were authentic; but not real. And im processing this acting job; it affected me; stunned me; but it was just an acting job; not real; and that is sickening; it scares me and scares my heart; all of this. its beyond sickening; its like dealing with a white spider slowly waking up; with its hands and arms silhouette to the background slowly moving around and waving and stretching; creepy.
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She loved bombed me... its all fake. I dont know why she took an interprets in me; I guess sport; I fell for it kind of; I saw red flags so I was cautious but I fell in love with her... I was over taken by the whole of the situation and fell for her. I was crushed by doing so. All of her mannerisms were fake; I thought they were real. Her love bombing was simply acting out for the moment; spontaneous pleasure seeking expressing. I thought someone actually liked me and Was acting naturally toward me; and I responded naturally and liked her. She was not being natural; she was covert and pretentious. This women does not care if I was born or if I die or she ever sees me again; she doesn't think about me; I mean nothing to her; Im so sorry I am attracting people like this; Change my thoughts and those things in front of my eyes will change.
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A male monster i used to know.
I knew a sociopath that used to charm women; splash money in their face; wads of cash; and then proposed marriage to them to be married quickly; 2 days later he was gone; all on purpose. Sickening. The girl would become suicidal and crushed…
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So; I got hit with the same thing; someone hitting on me; I hate it because I have Ptsd and this did not help; it over ran me and slammed my triggering and defenses and it was a sick game. But it wasn't really a game; it was a covert move by a sociopath to destroy someone; me. Why they picked me I dont know; seems allot of them pick me and I dont know why and it bothers me; maybe they are jealous of my good heart; I dont know. Im working on getting over it. I was used and It hurts horribly; dont want to be used anymore and she will continue to try if im in the same rooms with her. She has a covert boyfriend for some time. They try to act like they are not together when they are around me; its a game; he even talks to me as if he's innocent and friendly… its all a form of relational aggression. They set a trap against anyone weak enough and naive enough to be caught in their trap…
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She never planned on going out with me ever. iT was all a stunt. She tried to get my attention while with this new boyfriend... She never told anyone she has this boyfriend. I wasn't suppose to know either. She tries to play me in meetings. I get sick of these types. She is not the frist; but for reasons i wont mention here; I fell for her…. but their never really was a “ her”; it was just a gamer playing unethical games.
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My God I just want a wife; why is this so ######6 hard. I mean; seriously.... Im working on it; the problem is; what am I attracting... Im a decent person. As I mentioned before; Its not the hole i have to stop walking into; i have to stop walking down the ally with the hole….. i have to bi pass the street with the ally and stop going to that side of the world. I go to Satans side of the world to be a White Knight and rescue Satans daughters; but they never asked me to rescue them…. Finally defeated every time; I go back to God a broken Knight; a retarded Knight and i just sit in front of Gods palaces in confusion…
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So I have to work with the universe to attract the right person that Im looking for; Im scared to death that deep down inside im attracting hatred and its showing up; all the contempt and hate from deep down and its manifesting in the shape of a women that will use me and discard me with no interest in me.
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What do I attract?
I have to attract the right street; not the right girl. The right girl to marry is down the right street. If i turn toward God and go down one of his streets; the ones on a sunny shinny day; I will hear the sirens of her voice calling me; my wife; but this will be a healthy wife; not a Satanic one. And God will send messengers; friends; to lead me down the right street; and I will follow her voice; the voice i feel in the windmills steal shoveling energy… for the kaleidoscope symmetrically bounces off the wind chimes way high up on the steeples edge; and forms crystals in the clouds hiding in mountain passes; and beams of light send through me; educating me of my future; my future with my sunny bunny wife….
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Im scared of attracting bad women; tis all I do.... they are all like my mother. These are evil people; every one of them. pure evil.
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And my mother trapped me in car next to the door; and satan spoke through her to me; and entered into my lungs and burned me and left disabling scares from the poison smoke…. And the message ripped onto the inner parts of my rib cages said: “ stay away from her; she belongs to me; you are no match for her; she belongs in satan’s realm; and you do not belong here with us”. My mother was a psychopathic satan’s messenger…. she was a flying monkey of Satan… pure evil monster.
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The alignment of Re arrangement.
I never thought I would have friends; But I do… I have some God given earned created real male friends like brothers. Does this mean they wont come n go; I dont know; but I created this; participated in it and now i have authentically proved real friends. Do i have real women friends; yes; maybe. But no. First the male friends and social to go with them; and then the women show up a little further down my journey.
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THe right street must be picked. I must become sober from a life of mistaken evil chasing. Im sick from being forced around evil; to having to adjust to evil and being trauma bonded to evil and fighting evil…. Im sick from evil and now Im getting better and starting to become sober from evil.
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My real wife is done the sunny shinny street of God and I need help getting turned in that direction. So; getting aligned correctly and participating in this right direction narrows the direction for a wife. My wife is down river not up; she is down the flow of life; i must go down the flow; let go of the ores and just sit in the boat and let the boat meander down stream until it finds itself onto a small village by the shore; and the boat will naturally pull into the shore and dock and my wife will be down one of these streets in that small village. Its my responsibility to imagine her in all the good decent ways i can. Make lists of what gratitude and appreciation when i think of her; everything positive and be lead down the sunny shinny street to her dwelling place and then learn to live…