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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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PTSD inside....

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:38 am

Ive gotten better over the past year... much better.. Especially in the Dissociative areas... Ive been gaining ground through failed relationships. Im learning from them; I have to. Finally Ive discovered a few common things.. First, The other parties that are gone, could care less about me, they didn't care about me when I knew them; I didn't mean anything to them, and I don't mean anything to them now. Secondly, ive began to ask; How did my behavior effect them, did I cause them pain, how hard was it for them to interact with me!

Im afraid when analyzing my behavior towards others Im finding, Im quite the sociopath at the party...!

Numerous times when under attack of PTSD; I could look outward, however, I could not feel anything. The world around me was the view point of a tank commander under several footage of steel, peering out through a scope trying to make sense of things of the outside world.

The inability to respond; How does this effect others who are trying to respond to me. What does it feel like when I do not respond to a girl that has walked up to me to say hello. What is she feeling.. When I look into the eyes of a girl that is in-love with me, I can see she is scared to death because I will reject her; what does she feel... How much pain. And why could I not respond to that pain, Why!...
Am I the sociopath... ?, Certainly the girl ended up in massive pain. She would have better off never meeting me. Do I really care?, or was it fun tormenting her!.. Did I gain sadistic pleasure from Psychologically torturing her! What did she feel like. Is sex the only thing I can feel!..

I am very defensive with people. However, Im not sure when to be defensive and when to respond with kindness. Or, if I could learn to respond with kindness, things might go better; even if Im in pain.

I think being kind is the answer. Be kind, be kind, be kind. its a conscious choice for me!. I will have to learn this. It is so very hard, and goes in the face of survival as I know it. However, because I have had no kindness I am alone, and this is no survival... I must learn to be kind in the face of the PTSD...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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