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PTSD bombardment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 21, 2016 2:50 am

When at age 15; I made the in-human mistake of reliving with my mother the psychopath! She had abandon me at age 10! I had been dragged from place to place; and this caused mass problems with my nervous system! I could not take the strange changes thrown at me! It hurt my mind badly and worse! In fact; I cannot remember much of this! Its all a strange blur of damage! Bad damaged; it was like I was a rubber band that had been stretched on one side and the other to far! and it was ripped open to the point, it would not snap back anymore!

At the age of of 13 I was still being sexually harassed and taken advantage of by my Grandfather; her father! They did not care! My Grandmother was told! She did nothing! This was not the first time she had heard such things or knew that he did such things! Im assuming he did this to my mother the psychopath; all the time!

I made the mistake that children make! They see things from a child's view! I felt happy that my mother would accept me back; if she did! Because I was still to innocent and confused as to what my mother was! and what was going on!

The PTSD was building up! It had grown since small childhood! With my father around, I had a reprieve, and thought I was heading toward a successful life! That was short lived; only a few years! It cut my psychological throat to have the world pulled out on me at age 10; but, this is what happens when a psychopath is in charge! I had no warning and did not no any other world then the small innocent one I had come from! it was like killing a lamp in a field of blood!

The PTSD is taking mass effect by the time Im 13 or 14. Im being bullied in school and at home sexually! I have no parents! Father figure is monstrously faked by this serial potential rapist; thats all this was; he was! It was all faked from the beginning! He was exploiting the situation and readying himself to leave! He; my father, had had his fun or what ever it was he was doing! He was a sociopath! And his thinking was the thinking of an anti social mad man! These were smart monsters! Well educated! I had no idea what they were! Or what they were capable of! I had no idea they were never my side! I did not know what I was living with!

One of the biggest problems in a situation like this; It takes years to understand what you are dealing with! you have no mother or father! they are not real mother or father! they are psychopaths and sociopaths! and nothing more! and you must; with immediacy get away from them! but there is no way a child or young teenager knows this! even at a later teen age; I did not understand what they were! well, I understood finally! but I did not know what name to call this condition and I was in massive mental breakdown and anguish! I was being literally psychologically torn apart and dismantled and I did not know why any of this was happening to me! What happened to having a happy home with a mother and a father! What were these vermin doing to our lives! Why was I watching the destruction of my family in front of me! I watched both my brothers appear to be completely destroyed as people and torn to pieces! And no one stepped in and cared!

When I left to live with my mother once more at age 14; it was a mistake! May the reader understand! My mothers work position and her next new husband did not allow her the privilege of giving her children away to the state! She did not care! She would have been disowned by her mother; that means no more money help or image! And her husband would not be the type of understand such things! Her work would have fired her! I was underage; she was well educated and had reputation to keep! she could not give me away; she had to take me in! Let the reader understand the psychopath! they don't care! no feelings! they are predators and nothing more! non human! What decisions they make; they make for their own calculated interests!

Psychopaths live very secretive lives! They want to be intertwined within a system; deep within it and look as normal as possible!

My mother would tell her husbands that she could prove that we; the children preferred to live with their grandmother because it was our fault we did not accept my mother; something like that! She made us out to be bad people! Remember please! This is a psychopath! They do not care about anyone or anything! They exploit everything!

My PTSD was bigger and was stopping me from functioning! I could not concentrate on school or anything else! I was slowly none functioning anymore!

When I lived with my mother in a new city It was like giving myself a breather! When I arrived! I was not wanted! It was made apparent! The newer husband did not want us their! She had lied about us to this husband! They did not care about me or who I was! She told the husband what ever he wanted to hear to make her look like what ever he needed her to look like! she exploited the situation!

Psychopaths are master manipulators because their victims are not prepared for someone to lie to them! They catch innocent people off guard! They look for weaklings they can manipulate and exploit! In this case; she found the perfect acting husband professional with 2.5 kids! Everything that would look perfect! The problem was; it was all fake! Psychopaths live of image! They feel nothing! They look for situations that can be made to look like a movie set!

The psychopath pics whole ritual situations! This means, house, care, clothing, mate type, children, location, job title! Everything! They pic a whole seen from a movie or a movie roll type and find the equivalent in real life; they con their way into it and move in! Its always the best stereo type of the day!

My mother found a new family type to manipulate into!

It took no time before it was made clear I was a second class citizen! And not wanted! And I had no protection here! I was the outsider!

I was dis associated by my new step brother who was much older and responsible! And I had a step sister about 10 years older! They remainder virtual strangers!

I was hated in this family system! I certainly did not get along with this new person she married! Why the ###$ would I! He was a complete stranger; I wanted my father back! But I did not realize; I did not have a father anymore; and I never had one in the first place!

After a few short months, problems began to happen! My oldest brother had moved in before me and found a girlfriend with the worst possible people within the new nighbhorhood! And her brother was a violent teen sociopath thug! He beat up people randomly and viscously! Because he was 16 years old; he went to juvenile court! He would get a weakened in jail and be back out to do more damage to innocent children or underaged teens! It was dealing with this situation that I learned the police concept of the law was worthless! The innocent could be destroyed at will; nothing was done!

Finally this animal turned on me and I was controlled and one brother beat'n unconscious! I wanted to protect my brother and myself; I could do neither! Scum of this nature have plenty of prison friends to help with the beatings! They don't care of the outcomes! They simply get thrown back in prison! You are not safe in your own country!

The point is; How could I have been exposed to monsters like this! Or my brother getting exposed to monsters like this; Sociopathic bullies of this nature!

This interaction and control of by this monster; this pushed everything over the edge! I had met a girl that I liked up the block and it fell through because of the PTSD overloads I was experiencing! I could not function! The girl I met was rich and expecting of someone with success based thinking and prospects of the future! I had none! I was living in a new neighborhood of some value! And she was rich! At some point it all fell through, because I was not living with a real family; meaning I was living with my mother the psychopath and her new family;

I was living with a newer concept the psychopath was hiding in; meaning, she had found a new succor to marry with 2.5 kids to hid within!
I was out! I was never wanted; I had been dumped 5 years before! This monster did not ever want to see me again for any reason! I did not exist! I was from a previous manipulation that went bad!

My mother thought she had found a weakling in my father and thought their was money in the adjoining family system; the greater family structure! she found out the hard way! she had married someone just like herself! he was never really apart of the greater family system with the money! the general family system he came from had banished him years earlier because of his inconsistent behavior! he was considered unsafe and not part of any family system! When my mother found out their would be no gold in those hills! She; with immediacy closed up shop as quick as possible! She sold the house, got rid of any material information associating her with her children or x husband! Got rid of the kids! And moved away! No looking back! They don't look back! They are quick to get rid of all evidence! and psychopaths don't do this once! they do this repeatedly over n over n over with new men and new families! I was somewhere in the middle! she had 2 men previous to my father! but I never knew until later!

So; There I was; living with my Grandparents and not having a clue what had happened to my whole life! It had been ripped and torn out from underneath me in an agonizing manner with no remorse toward me or for me! no one cared what happened to me or that I was born!

By the time I lost the girl I loved; I lost all newer friends in this new home situation! I wanted to go home; back to where I came from! I thought; I will call my best friend! He knows me; he will take me in! What I didn't know! I was no longer living in that neighborhood! I hadn't been their for years! And those people; " my best friend," his family! They were not interested in me anymore! They had forgotten about me half way through my childhood! In fact; by the time I was 9 years old; they did not want me anymore! I was not wanted around! I did not know this! But I remember this! I remember the clues, but did not understand!

I had no place to go or escape!

I had basically flunked out of most of my schooling! All of it from the beginning! And I was dropping out of 11th grade! No one cared about me or my schooling or what happened to me! I started dropping out of classes! The teachers saw this and with contempt; they did not try to help me; they shunned me like I deserved what I got! It was unbelievable! I did not understand the murderous language of the middle class! They were as much murder's as anyone from the Penitentiary! They murdered in a different way! When children or teens were stranded; they slammed the door on them and let them suffocate to the streets!

By this time; my mind was gone from drug overdoses! I had flunked out of high school! I could not graduate on time; but did not know it!

Somehow; and I don't know how; my mother swing'd a deal with my best friends mother that I live with them my senior year! My best friends mother did not want me! I don't know what my mother told her! Heres the deal! Psychopaths will do things to keep everything under raps! The last thing they want is exposure! They will call someone to make a deal and get me out of their hair! And they will make it look like Im a bad person, or bad child that cant make it with decent people and must leave! My mother paid a certain amount of money monthly to my best friends mother! Please let the reader understand! This is still a psychopath! And they do not do anything out of love! They have no love! All things are done for them; and for calculated reasons! The reason this was pulled of; my mother was a master manipulated and pulled it off! My best friends mother was lied to! She had no reason to think she was lied to! And it worked! psychopaths have no feelings! meaning, no remorse! You the reader might feel for them! don't! You don't get it!

I moved into my best friends house! However, I was so mental at this point and full of PTSD and the beginning of Dissociative disorder; I could no longer function! I was beat up emotionally, and psychologically ruptured at this point! And mentally gone! I was in so much emotional pain and sorrow and heart break! I had lost everything! Everything; everything!

And now; I finally move in with someone that loves me and will listen to me and help! However, when I get to this new place! It is worse then the last! Im not accepted; My best friend is not my friend anymore! I am treated like a bad foster child; a thief and a liar! And no good! No one asks me why I am their! I am branded a thief! And Im branded a delinquent idiot with no IQ! Im treated like Im spoiled and worthless! No one talks to me about why Im their or my condition! Im in complete confusion! And at the new school, Im bullied by the same people that bullied me in 7th grade! Nothing has changed! My mind is being even more destroyed!

I could not leave and did not know what to do! Agoraphobia is now setting in and my mind is deranged! The father of this house; my best friend; he knows something is wrong with me; he tells his children and wife that something is wrong with me! But they don't care! They are treating me like Im a loafer and a liar and a no good drifter! They are resentful that Im their!

They are not friends of mine! This means; they were never friends of mine ever! I moved in their because they were supposed to be friends of mine! They were not!

At this time; one is out of high school and expected to function! I could neither function nor leave their house! I was to mental! Finally they had to kick me out! I did not care anymore about them or anything else! No one wanted me or wanted to know me or know anything about me! Nor did they care what happened to me! None of these people ever did!

What surprises me and shocks me the most! I was continually made out to be a bad person! Like a mistake of nature; identity! The reason was; no one was protecting me! If I had a father; none of this would be the same! You needed someone on your side or the world will crash down on you and destroy you regardless of who you are! Look what happened to Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! You may or may not want to believe his story! But look at the story! It rings true! The upper middle class of the day killed him! Cold blood! He was pushing to many buttons! Jesus was a decent man; as decent as has ever lived! Take a good look at the story! It rings true; it's my story! It's the same exact story! The same thing happened in the same way! Meaning; I was treated like I was a criminal or a slave! I was treated with horrible contempt! Yet, I did nothing to anyone! I had been threatened and hit on and raped and dismantled psychologically to the point of being tortured; and this is how Im treated by the people in my country! And Im still under age while going through all of this; Incredible! Worse; these people, all schools, and neighborhoods! All of them; murder's!

Im still dealing with several of these people today and they treat me like Im the lowest scum on planet earth! Im the most decent and innocent of people anyone has ever met! The whole thing is beyond human detriment!

Later, I will go back n fourth during college years; back n fourth a thousand times! From house to house and place to place, over n over n over! Mothers house, grand mothers house, brothers house, fathers house! One psychopath or sociopath after the other no one knows me! Or cares what happens to me!

At some point, my Grandmother starts giving me mass amounts of money! But Im suffering from dissociate disorder by this time; and Im fully mental! And don't know what is going on! I try to go to college! Its impossible! I try other things! I cant function! The PTSD levels are so bad!

I drift from one place to another! I try one college after the other a flunk out! And go back and live in my Grandmothers basement and hide! And try another college! But the PTSD and broken heart and broken mind and lack of interest in life! I don't care anymore! Im beyond being broken!

This will go on for 12 years! I will visit a college, and hide their and get no where and leave for another year! ~ and drift and live somewhere and try again some place else ! With no understand or direction or vision! All I wanted was the girl I loved that I lost at age 16! Nothing meant anything to anymore!

I will get a degree at age 30! But who cares and whats the point! Im so scared I cant leave the library of this school from terror of going outside into a world I have no place in or support! I pay rent with my grandmothers help, at a house of someone in the area! Im their for a year after I graduate and cant leave because of agoraphobia! Ive been drinking and it's getting worse! I start binging in big cities with addictions and delusions! Finally I threaten suicide! And suicide at this time becomes over my head! Ive been suicidle for years! But now its horribly real!

I finally come home; but I still don't get it! These people are sociopaths! And they don't care about me or want me! I have no home and no one cares! The pressure is maddening!

I cant make money or work! I try to get a job through my brother throwing freight at night! What a horrible job! I do this for 8 months! Im barely able to keep up! I don't really care! I end up in a butcher block and work up to manager of the butcher block! But I cant take it anymore! I try to commit suicide and end up in the nut house and I quit this job! After a while, I end up on the streets and in the parks! I am seeing people at mental health! I was diagnosed with PTSD problems back in 1983! And now Im back in mental health! Actually, Im homeless for a year! And part of that year Im living at a broken down hole in a wall room! Ive be friended some people from 12 step meetings and they are allowing me to live in this vacant place and they feed me at times; the rest; I go to the mission and eat! They own an apartment complex! It was all horrible! Homelessness makes you want to end it! It's demoralizing and lonely; and after a while; day after day after day of the same thing and no home! Nothing! You have to wash yourself in local bathrooms and have no place to sleep at night! and its not safe to sleep at night, so you sleep during the day! and at night, all the dark areas you would hide in; they are taken by drug dealers making deals! I tried to work again! That did not last!

Im homeless again, but this time, God pulls through and they put me on SSI! So, Im now off alcohol; and staying off it! No drugs! That was in high school!

Im in 12 step groups! Im receiving meds and in an assistant housing through mental health! I have a food stamp card; yey! Ive hit the big time! Finally in a few years I get my own apartment! And the work begins on my condition!

Im re-diagnosed with full dissociative disorder and long term serious PTSD problems! AVPD! Clinical depression!

I end up in the nut house for trying to kill myself the first time! Im suicidal all the time! I end up in the nut house again for agoraphobia! I could not leave my bed for 7 months! It worked! With much struggle and therapists, Im able to make it out of my room to the coffee shop! And things slowly get better!

That was about 10 years ago! And many other things Ive been through! for the next blog!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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