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OMNICELL
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PTSD and attraction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Nov 02, 2013 9:17 pm

Im getting shut down by this girl.

THeres a new girl in the meetings; I caught her staring at me! IT was nice, she was attractive. She is smart and well educated. I did find her strangely attractive.. In a perfect world, I would like to go out with her! However, things got botched up!

Ive been working on my social skills very slowly! and Ive improved very slowly; and I mean slowly!

This girl checked me out a few times then left for awhile; a few weeks. When she came back, I wanted to do more then have an interest. I wanted to get the chance to approach her!

The problem; Im just starting the real world stuff with women, vs being in fantasy land; thinking about women, taking no action! I wanted to take action!

I had a few opportunities to get close to her or walk up by her! Yet, when I saw her with other guys, or with a group, she seemed to happy, to pleased with herself. I did not get the impression this girl needed me for anything! she seemed happy without me! Meaning, I did not see that I had anything she would want! Yet, I remembered; she was attracted to me, and that attraction wont go away; not in women. Once a women is attracted to you, she stays attracted... However, attraction means nothing! attraction is as good as a dream world if you do nothing with it. One must take action!

The problem: Im just starting out with starting out with starting out! Im to new at this game to be hitting on main contenders.. I need to practice more with people easier and less intimidating.

Intimidation floods my heart when I think a women can have many different guys... It makes things hard!

Im not practiced; I have very little confidence in myself, walking up and approaching someone! Ive done it.. Ive studied it, Ive practiced it in the real world. I have not practiced enough; that is the problem. Im not there yet! Im a beginner! A real world beginner! Ive been studying, and I have lots of experience attracting people, and have gone on mock dates, and I have called a few women!
A mock date; going through the procedures of dating with non dating material. I went several times to coffee and other things with a women friend that likes me but has another boyfriend; I was practicing!

OK, back to the girl!

I froze up the first time I came near this girl! I walked up to her and she smiled at me, I pulled back! it was the dissociative disorder! Not her! However, it was to late, it looked like I rejected her. And this behavior followed several more times in several more situations...

Finally, I decided to say her name out loud, by calling to her from across the room! and I did! and I said something to her and made her laugh! However, something was wrong. I could feel a sense of contempt! As if someone had written me off! This is very important to me!

I do not like people writing me of for the wrong reasons! I tried as hard as I could! I had legitimate reason for my actions... I tried, I really did! Something was wrong!

Later;
I finally gave up on this person! the few times I saw her, she was sitting close to other guys, with contempt written on her face when looking strait at me; strait at me with hate; not hurt, more someone that thought I was a creep that needs to stay away; therefore, I will! I got the message; I will not get involved with her, this is way over my head; I need to stay away! Finally I started to get the message!

I do not think this person appreciates me! My presence has little value to her! That is what Im feeling.
------------------------------------------------------
Today, I walked into a meeting late, and I sat down. Ive learned to keep to myself, keep my eyes to myself!
I finally glanced up, something caught the edge of my eyes, I had been there for a long while.. something was slowly walking in front of me with coffee, it was this girl. I saw her and glanced down.
I got the impression she was trying to get my attention. However, something is wrong! and Im afraid its going to stay wrong!
If I had proof this was a decent person, I might try for her! Im scared that this is a 2 faced person thats needs nothing from me, including my company! Im not interested in deceivers. I want nothing to do with them!

Im getting the impression Im being pulled into something with this person; its subtle, yet I feel and can sense something is manipulating! I do not believe the manipulation is in my favor. I do not believe this girl likes me! Something is wrong! This girl can take me or leave me a bit to easily!

Here is the problem;

The problem is; she is getting my attention! I do not want to give my attention to anyone! That is the problem. She is grabbing it!, and all I can do is leave the meeting! its very strong the attraction. Its strange, it seems to seep over my boundaries and I cannot hide. I don't know what to do about it! I need to hide away from her, so I can concentrate on the meeting.

The other problem;
Im ashamed that I like her because I feel a sense of neglect through her! she is not the kind of girl I want to like. Im attracted her; what does that mean! nothing! She is not the right girl for me! if she was I would walk up to her! she is putting up her bitch shield way to high for me to take her seriously!

I have to look down, to the sides, I cant look strait ahead, or she is in my line of site. I finally left. I am not interested in being interested in someone of this nature, that is the problem! I think she is cruel and a game player, and that is not my kind of person; regardless of her attraction! ITs way to hard to get near her! I cant see if she is giving off signs of interest for the good or for the bad. Ive given up on it. She starting to hang with the click crowd, and I know what that means; that means my name is dirt! and these people begin to think they are better then everyone.

Problem;

I give up because I do not believe I have a shot with someone that gauges the worth of another on who they know or what they own! If Im not wealthy enough or popular enough, Im of no interest to people. If this be the case, I move on.

I do not like people attempting to get my attention with no real interest in me! Possibly they are playing a game!

All I can do is leave the area this person is visiting. Out of sight, out of mind!

I loose all personal power when Im around this person! 'I cant stay in the same meeting room without being distracted!

I have much to work on, and many decisions to make! I would like to learn how to make decisions.

Im practicing; The pTSD problems get in the way! Im to afraid of being hurt! I need more time to heal!

I need to make a decision on her! and stick to that decision...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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