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OMNICELL
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am

PTSD
-Im getting triggered violently; its not the date thats doing it; its a place thats doing it; thought I had a cubby whole to hide in; I did not ; thought I could ride out the storm and I could not; I was set up in a position of attack. I already knew about this place but that I had it going on anyway.
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Im made because someone challenged me in a situation with rules; Im mad that someone would break the rules in the first place; Im mad about it; but not thinking strait.
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I should know better; I should but I so desperately want a place to fit in; like a home; not ever having a one. I had a rest stop as a child but it was no real. Now I need a place to rest my head and thought someone had taken it from me; this has happened before; what I don't know; Im using this against someone as if the place I was at was free. It was not; anyone can walk in the doors; this was not a sanctioned room by a therapist. In fact; the people that were suppose to make it safe who are in charge are the problem. But I already know their the problem. Im mad because I could not be myself without being criticized. But, I did not create a safe place for myself; I just created a place I was getting away with.
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Considering how long Ive been in the recovery process; technically, Ive done OK. i didn't like the way I was attacked; because I don't allow those kinds of people to attack me. Violently speaking; what am I going to do; is it worth the violence; No; not on paper. I was not in charge; I was set up in a way. But I was set up because I went along with what was going on because it meant I was being taken care of; but I was not being taken care of; I was not safe but I felt safe because I wanted to feel like I was taken care of; but I was not; So; I was not in a safe place but wanted to feel like I was so I could grow; The universe will have to bring me new safe places; where I don't know. I was doing fine; then someone came along and destroyed it; I no longer feel safe being their; but Im not the only one; a whole group of people have already left; so why should this surprise me. Im trying to be at a place to stay safe and no such place exists. and never did from the start. I was first ready to leave 2 years ago or was it 1 year ago. the guy running it is a narc; so; he seems to think no one knows. Ive seen him run numerous people off; and I left and I think the universe had me leave several times.
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Im triggered because I cant see strait; I get hit by what happened and wont to go violent. But the truth is; its about technicalities. It was not a safe place; I don't have a regulation ability to determine who comes through the doors. Possibly Im mad because Im leaving their and I wanted a place to recover; they are hard to find; sooner or later someone plays games with me; They want me to join the group; their group and I wont. but then they try to rope me in; if I don't want to be roped in; I have to leave. I put up with stuff because I want to stay and not be forced to leave; but Im being forced out anyway. And As I see it; Im not wanted their anyway; but no one of any quality is. Most have left. Some hardcores are their; it doesn’t bother them to be their; me; it bothers me. And I thought the rules of being their would protect me; they didn't. But its not a sanctioned therapists office.

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SO; the anger in me was triggered. Its bound to happen at times; I cant let it get to me and take it personalty; its not personal; I just have to wake up; and realize I made a mistake and need to adjust things..
Im mad that I don't have any safe place to go or to be myself in the world. And possibly thats what I ned to work on; feeling safe.. I don't.
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I made a big mistake and allowing myself to feel and be the real me with no cover or guard. And someone jumped on it; as if I was weak. Im not weak; Im scared; but not scared of them who did this; Im scared of everything and everyone and living in the situation Im in; I want put of all of it I don't want these stupid people as my friends; I just want a safe place to be outside. It was like a home; but I must remember; if I'm going to be or feel free I have to protect it at the same time; keep a watch..
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Im angry because this was taken from me; I feel like I was so close; but I wasn't; and it pulls me back to reality where I didn't get anywhere; I got pulled back to the ground. The point is; what will it take for me to get off the ground.
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Im mad because I was at an abusive place and thought I had it going on and wouldn't be hit with the abuse; thought I had crawled up to a place better then that; above the ability to be touched like that; not so; but wanted to believe it with all my heart; and it was so important to me; but in reality; I had gotten that fare. and I had gotten that fare at other places before this; but I was being set up this time but a narc; why cant I see that; my intellect can see it but my emotions do not want to see it; I want my ego stronger and bigger and it was getting bigger in that cave; but others had come into that cave with no permission of mine and beat me down again. But they were not safe to begin with. Im mad at myself for allowing this to happen. To think I was in a safe place when I was not in a safe place; had never been in a safe place. possibly, is a big wake up call. thats what I don't want to know; not another wake up call where Im not safe again.
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I thought I was creating a safe place for myself and I was sitting back and enjoying it; then someone came along and disrupted it; Im not the first and the only one; many people have left that place for those reasons; I wanted to stay their as long as possible and mild the place for the emotional safety; but that didn't happen and Im mad about it.
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Someone asked me to be the leader of the group; I looked up at the clock to decide how long each person had to speak; and I was then attacked with my back turned to the clock. thats what pisses me off. My back was turned and this other person has to take a position of submission. I was belittled for taking to much time to answer the group on how long each of us could speak in the group; they weren’t pleased that I was taking a certain amount of time; they were acting like I was working for them or their to please them; whats interesting is; the actual head of the group did not defend me; he was putting me in this position for this to happen. I took this position because I was not smart enough to remember where I was; I thought I could get away with it; being open and vulnerable around a bunch of narcs; why would I think that; I didn't appreciate where I was at. All of those people get alone with each other; the men and the women; but not me; I don't get alone with any of them.

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I go to these places to get better; Im not interested in getting personal with anyone; I don't have a life; Im trying to establish one at these places first; but the place wont allow it; and many people have come for the same thing; but left; Ive left this place before; And the universe never told me to come back; if I go back; its at my own peril.
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Im learning; I have to work with the universe and keep working at it. Ive got allot of PTSD that fools me into thinking Im somewhere safe where Im not; like Im at a specific place from 40 years ago; and reality; Im not. I was never safe their; and Im mad that it didn't work for me; that I didn't win. Ill have to talk to the universe and ask what went wrong; but I don't seem to want to look at reality that I all ready know; I all ready know what went wrong; I was never in a safe place to start with. Im not sure why I cant wake up to this; possibly the critical voice in my head that has me brainwashed is lying to me so deeply Im believing it. Im doing lies to myself and getting mad when they are caught in the middle of reality.
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Its as if the critical voice in me tells me I can psychologically camp in the middle of the street when In reality; if I camp in the middle of the street Ill be ran over. I thought he universe was helping me with this thing to stay safe. Im going to have to let go of one of the days of the week and find another place.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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