I seem to have no recovery when it comes to dating women romance; finding the right women; well; I shouldn't say it that way; having God bring the right women to me. No recovery. Ive had recovery in every other area. but when it comes to women; Nothing. Its hard as a rock; my soul or nervous system when it comes to women; Ive dealt with deception; I mean; Ive dealt with all of it. or allot of it to the point of being destroy; its about my mother.
.
But doesn't seem to be any help for me or hope or something because Im always attracting the wrong people I think. Im not willing to attract the right ones or even hang around them; Something is horribly horribly wrong here...
.
Marry Anne from Gilligan's Island; That is the type of women im interested in; no one else; just a nice girl. I have no use for the others; nothing because they monkey branch to different guys if they dont get what they want. Thats not the kind of women I want.
.
I guess; I dont think im good enough for the right kind of women I want. Ill have to keep working with God on this.
.
I think one positive is this; keep working on all the other stuff; live my life and keep working on this women thing; problem. Live my life and keep working with God on it; telling the universe; admitting Ive got a problem and dont have any seeable answers yet... I see some but their so humiliating.... or degrading....
.
So I live my life and look at the women things from Gods perspective; that God will bring the right women around me. I want someone that is safe and nice...
.
I Have to let it go. One of the main problems has been; ive attracted beautiful women but its done no good; they are not nice people and its their personalities that turn me off; they are not safe; they are treacherous. So; that wont work... So; Ive got some idea; do my Art work and other things... and keep at this.. So a direction is forming. Forming away from the vamp into the normal women....
.
I say women art Sade; is this a lie ive created... I mean those people that over ran me when young were not Safe; they were monsters who over ran my boundaries. Those monsters were not safe and I havent dealt with all of that. are women not Safe or Im mad that the dont care to understand.
.
lots of stuff to deal with and look at; just opening things up; scary; feel helpless like im 4 years old and vulnerable.
.
Im starting to switch back to a middle class sensitive person from a savage I used to be... and that might have something to do with who I want to date and how... We will see... All I know; this subject has never been fixed; the core problem is; someone owes me something or they are not safe non of them... The more I look at it; Im projecting from those who did violate me; so what im actually saying is; Ive been violated with no way out no escape and anyone that tries to get close to me is one of these monsters regardless.... it's all projecting. But that means I have to go back into those time zones and heal; can that be possible.
.
.
So; Im a little bit further along. I know Im scared that a hot women will or can leave me for someone else... Someone better comes along... and they dont care... So I have to move along.
.
So; what kind of women am I looking for; a friend; but Ive had so many fake friends.. false friends; not real; I dont trust it. Never have; and I dont trust women being my friend... To manipulative... I dont get it...
.
I thought; oK; Ill go out with someone and bring them into couples therapy right from the first day I meet them. I made a joke out of it; but I dont see myself with anyone; Something missing a hole or gap between where Im at and women. I dont ever see that hole ever being good enough to be filled ever. just dont see it. Ill never be good enough; it wont ever be good enough. I dont see women as my friends; never have. I would have when younger then nothing. seems like all my life they've never been my friend ever and never wanted to be... Possibly; I was around the wrong women. I dont know. Maybe Im not me; maybe Im not the right me; maybe Im suppose to be someone else. I have no idea where I would go; I dont fit into anything anywhere.
.
I hate the idea of asking someone out and scaring them because I was wrong about them; they had no interest in me.
.
I havent been myself; I've been mentally ill; and not present meaning; all of me has been a gap; And ive had women like me but once seeing these problems; they had onward... Once seeing who I am; its through. But I dont trust them... And Im wondering what it would take; Id have to be around quality people for this to happen. And Id have to be through the traumas the PTSD from the past; the losses.
.
So; getting through the traumas of the past; That would be hard... IT almost seems like women like me if they think ive got it together; actually; its not having it together; its giving them attention. But im afraid that sooner or later they will leave me because they were never right in the first place nor appreciated anything about me.
.
I just dont know. part of me wants a women in my life; most of the rest of me sees it as a pipe dream; impossible. Im not around the quality women I desire.. Im scared to take any chances... And Im afraid in my economic situation Ill not find anyone of any quality; nothing. Just dont know; but I will keep working on it and see what happens... Just to much pain associated with women and my imaginational view of them. I see them as monsters... I dont want them near me.. I dont want anymore pain. or anyone underhanded nonsense... just predators..
.
I dont know. Ill keep working at it; but when I see myself with someone I see myself in another economic situation.. something more or in control of my life... And that bothers me; all of this bothers me. I just dont trust anyone... Ill keep working with God and see if I cant break though somewhere to the problems associated with this situation.
.