First; let me check up to what has been happening....
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I was collecting plastic model kits; this was an extension to the developmental process recreated by God for me when asked. I was at this level of 8 years old; plastic model kits. Before this train sets; before this; football... tossing the football. Art creation... before this; legos I think. All starting at the age of 4 or 5 years old again within child self.
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From plastic model kits; suddenly Im interested in Guitar again. and this time Im serious about being a beginning student. And Ive now been at it steady with a metronome for 2 months; something like that.... or 1 1/2 months. The goal is October 1; 120 days; playing 10 minutes everyday...
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From guitar is working live with others; and I started to and have been numerous times now and from this; playing live; performing and Ive been working with another beginning guitarist out in the park; and we practice and sing to passer by's... from the small building in the middle of the park; that place for rent for parties and such...
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Suddenly from this; I automatically moved the electronic piano out into the main area in my apartment next to the guitar and I started sight reading again... Amazing... So; same thing; oct 1; 120 days... 10 minutes a day. Ive been at it for about 3 weeks; everyday...
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And from performing live comes the need to make songs and write lyrics.. and play them with my friend in the park.
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And suddenly the praying for the relieving of character flaws getting in the way of drumming. and Ive now gotten out the practice drum pads and sticks and Ive already started. So this is starting as well. 10 minutes of drumming a day... Practice.
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And Im singing again because Im actually doing it live.... in front of others... So all of that has come true...
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And next.
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ART;
This has baffled me... But; ive been praying for answers from the universe; expecting an answer and I got it suddenly and easily; it just silently flowed onto my white page...
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THe answer; make a dot on a canvas; spend 5 minutes creating something cool from it.. So this for 120 days; or until OCT 1st. So; ill be starting this today; I got the answer today...
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WOMEN;
So; the next area of development is with women; and Ive got some answers of a beginning idea; but not really; nothing yet. But one area that is holding; building self esteem doing other things and having other friends and then it spills off into my confidence around women.
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Women are a hard one for me because of the horror treatment I had by men and women when young. Just horrible nightmare; monsters; Sadistic...
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Ive notice that the ones that liked me; I may have asked them out then pulled back from them... Maybe next time; talk to them... go have coffee with them... But they know what I was asking for...
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I refused to have coffee with them or go on dates with them... How could I get to know someone.
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Ive had many fears of people finding out about my real torn up life. So; Ive stayed away; but I realize now; I never gave anyone a chance. Ill have to do that next time.
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One area of fear; but I can work with God on it; MONEY. I dont have any. And this has scared me because I dont have any identity to cover this flaw up... Its brutal on my ego... But the truth is good enough; so; Ill have to learn to tell the truth about who I am I guess.
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So; Im controlling with women so I can end up a 6 year old child with them; they taking care of me and loving me and doding all over...
But I would not allow this to happen because I was afraid they would turn on me and turn into a monster. or reject me... So;' I stayed away; I never allowed them to get close. Most of them never cared regardless. They just moved on to someone else as if I didnt exist.
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I never went to coffee with them... never tried to get to know them; this is every important as they might have given me a chance to develop with them but now; seeing them after they are married to someone else.. I mean; they could care less who I am... I must have meant nothing to them... So; this scares me.. .This is why I don't want to get involved with women; 2 faced looking for supply; thats all they are it seems. But I never gave them a chance.
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And I never dated anyone that would actually have been good for me. And Ill pray to God about all of this... Keep asking God to remove my character defects... And learn how to grow through the trauma of my childhood; where I was thrown away or given away...
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Im always focused on women that cant help me but never on the ones that could be good helpers... So; Ill pray about letting down my character defects on that..
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Im not looking for perfection; Im only looking for the right set of practice exercises to get started again; talking to them again... Feeling like Im enough first. That kind of thing; I dont know. Ill take this to my higher power... and see the answer open within me.
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