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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Problems with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 29, 2019 1:05 am

All I can do is attract them; I cant seem to go up to them and ask them out if I don't know them; I don't get a feeling of excitement; I get a feeling of fear and terror...
Ive had women Ive liked maybe; or I wanted to like; I desperately wanted them to be the right ones; because they are all I know. I don't know anyone else; and I'm not sure why the universe is not bringing me anyone else; Im so ######6 sick of it.
Today at the coffee shop; after writing stories of what I want. Who shows up; Some very nice people; One women that liked me a long time ago; she is very sweet; and a couple and his wife is very nice. These are not the people I was writing about that I wanted; meaning; the universe brings me nice women and women that I know; one is not possible; the other is not feasible; I mean she's married; thats not why I know her; she's a married women; The women I want to show up are not showing up.

I go to another pot luck; what happens; I see a beautiful Asian women who is married to a friend of mine; and we sit down next to each other; bang; Technically the universe continues to being me what I ask for but in impossible situations with strangers that are not possible because they are not single people; I mean; it bothers me; I have to look at this as; the universe is showing signs; Im getting really really tired of these outside signs; I want some inside signs. not on the outside; because of this; I start to mis trust the universe after awhile. Ive been told that the universe is matching how I feel. So; that means I have to step this up a bit to the next level; that means a part of myself from an earlier age where I was thrown away; it must be re gone through; fixed. I have to get healthy in those years I was sexually abused and thrown away.


I was writing about an Asian soulmate. And nothing show up. Their is fear of confrontation with this Asian soulmate. As if Im not good enough. A wall from my tween years exists for that time period was a horrible thruway nightmare of blunt continuous trauma.

And Im so very scared of rejection; like Im going to made a fool out of myself; so; I leave it up to the universe to bring her to me; Before this can happen; I have to believe; its all very difficult; Because I don't see myself good enough; I see a negative response and me being laughed at. Sometimes I wonder if Im on the right track.
I have to face something up close about women; Im scared of something. Im scared to death and angry... Im scared of something; Im not up to speed; Im mad that I would have to be this up to speed. Its 2 much work; I mean; this is way to much work; this is crazy; but OK; it is what it is... Ill do it; but still; I have allot of pain and work I have to deal with in order to be good enough to date... it is what it is; I have walls to get though from the time I was sexually a abused...
I wanted an Asian soulmate; I really don't understand. You could have 100 women in front of me and they don't respond to me; the way I want. or respond correctly. Meaning; I have specific type of women Im interested in.
I really don't get it; accept to move on. I don't know what else to do. Women have power over me; I believe its my mother; it has to be deflated; its horrible. Their very intimidating to me; Well; its not " That" kind of intimidating; ITs because they can turn on me; they don't have to be honest or upright; So; they cant be trusted; I don't know what to do. Im not sure... And I dissociate right at that moment.
Im not sure who to be friends with or who to trust and when it comes to women; I don't know; I would like to get out of the situation of; I "wish I could meet someone" I know better then this; Why am I in such a low level position with women; why... Instead of " I wish" it would be; " wouldnt it be nice" or; " universe; bring her to me anyway I can get her".
I don't know; when it comes to women; things are all backwards; Im not sure how to act around them; Im defensive... I don't know; they are covert and deceptive.... I don't know.....
One main problem; a gap in maturity age; Im at the age of 12 or 8 or 6; I have to atleast be at a majority age of 14 to interact with women. Any thing before this emotional age; and I'm looking for a mother as I try to develop. Not a problems for me; might be a problem for her. dont know. Im getting better; My ability to become present from my early child age is expanding; Im getting hit with hard dissociation and flashbacks; However, Im expanding into the next age; In fact Im getting hit with the time period of 10 to 13; not good; these are the roughest years. And their upon me because Im growing into them.... It hurts really bad...
Im sick of seeing people with wives and I don't have one and I don't ######6 know why! Why women not being brought to me by the ######6 universe. This is an area that has to be conquered. I can see bulling and being thrown away when young; and no car development or money development as a problem. ; I see a whole lot of problems.. lots n lots of them; I feel like a beggar from the street when I think of how women are going to treat me.... I flash back to this automatically.
I see men with wives and I don't know how to get back to that; I don't know how.... I dont know how to.... Im bashful like a 7 year old
I dont know what to do anymore about this; I dont know where or how to meet any women that will like me or see me; This is going to change; one of the gap areas I'm working on in realty is this; the actually change of areas to meet people; Im getting more confidence about this.


I dont have any money; I dont know what to do! ITs like a giant ######6 wall Im trying to break though and I haven't even touched the survive of it; or any other part of this wall And I dont know what to do.
Its possible the rest of my life is not moving and this is causing bashfulness with women. I dont know. Ill keep working on it; its as if my abilities with women are reversed. Something is wrong.
Im not meeting any new people; any women. Nothing. I dont understand what is going on; extreme fear I think and loathing and hatred and anger and strife and horror and misery and a deeper bitterness toward women. Yes; I guess so... I guess; Its so deep... it goes as deep as it can go I guess. Well; no; its about women; It is about women; I want women; my walls are getting in the ways; thats what its about it... Im frustrated; Im trying to face these anger grief walls.......... I dissociate and cant deal with these walls. or get past them.... And I see a whole nation of women laughing at me from the other side and no showing any remorse; nothing.... nothing but hatred toward me.... Hatred and loathing toward me. hatred babyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! H; hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!
Or; is it about values and morality. or decency or something.
Im not sure.
Meeting the wrong people causes problem. This is really causing problems because its literally not the right people; Im not meeting anyone for dating; nothing....
Possibly I want women to save me and I see them in no other roll and I dont need to know women in any other roll. the kind of women I want doesn't exist; But they do.........
Im not appreciated by any single women; Honestly, I dont know; its so ######6 dam frustrating; all of this... I ######6 hate it. all of this....
Thats not true; I have women that appreciate me. I dont have the ones I want to go out with; but thats because I'm not around them; I advent been around anyone for dating; Ive spent my life in the recovery process; its like a giant hospital. I have to get out of the hospital to meet who I want.

I dont want to be judged because of my economic situation; I dont know..
I think the biggest problem is; I dont know who to meet; I dont know and Im wanting God to attract the right people; Im waiting for them to show up..
I have to meet more real people; I have to be myself and if I cant; walk away.... Im really scared about meeting new people.
Im scared about meeting new people because I had no gap filled in; its now getting filled in; Now the anxiety is a bit down; and I can say; I will slowly meet knew people and it will build slowly; a few at a time; more n more people; closer to the right people; slowly.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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