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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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problems with sex; Im not good enough

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:06 am

Sexual problem seeing myself touching a women! I guess I have a sexual problem; I can watch porn but not get excited about a real women; this is not about porn; this is about who owns me!

The people from the past; the psychopaths that owned me; this is about them, and not owning my own body or space or having permission to use it! It is chained and owned by someone else!

I do not have permission to use my body or hands to touch a women or I will be wiped and tied up! And kissed and destroyed! And yelled at and thrown against the walls! And punched and threatened!

I do not own my own body; they do! Someone else does!

When I attempt to own my own body and do what I like with it, my memories fade and I start dissociating into another personality! I drop out of sight!

Im dropping into PTSD land!

Im trying to visualize myself with women I know! Visualize my hands on their shoulders behind them, and their soft necks and reaching up under their breasts! Kissing them on the neck! Getting close to them; making out with them! Im trying to see myself with them, and I see shadows of others behind me! As if Im in a PTSD world of some other time! And I fade away into another personality and a gruesome time of control!

ITs as if I don't have permission from those in the past who own me; I don't have permission to use my own body; as if its been owned by bullies and its caged up and belongs to them and I have to ask them to use it!

Its horrible! I feel like a robot!

I visualize myself with a women; its as if I don't have permission to touch them or get physically close to them; meaning, permission from those who own my body!

Those from the past!

Expressing sexual love is an act of freedom! And Ive been shut down in society to the point that I gave up using my body for anything! I have not had the facilities to express myself; I have not had the money for such things!

This is a hard subject to talk about; yet, its hard! I have women that have taken interest in me and I have not responded to them! I need to see myself visually touching them and getting close with them! These are attractive women! Women like me! But I must break through these problems I think!

I don't feel good enough to touch a young women! Why? She is to much, to enriched, to beautiful! Could be that for all these years of bragging about women liking me; all I was doing was touching myself! Now when it comes time to back it up, I cant! I don't feel good enough about myself!

I feel like a little kid looking a centerfold in a magazine for the first time and wondering what it would be like to be with someone like that in 10 years!

I don't feel manly enough! Even though the women likes me! And Ive met other men this way ! They've chickened out!

So, I must learn again how to touch a women! Dam!

Ive been a constant loner not moving forward! forward movement starts with relationships!

I'm tracing this back; I can go back to the personality at an early age! this is the personality I turn into! and that personality still lives on the street I grew up in from the past!

its a little world for him! the street and neighborhood! the small area around the school and the store!

If I start making out with women; this person comes back in full with all the pain and terror and everything else floods back in! Im back!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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