April 2024
March 2024
Really opened up at a meeting today and sat outside and talked to a friend about things; all things; they know all about me; my problems with dissociative disorder and opening up... They already know; and today I really opened it up in front of everyone. I cornered about three women; Well; didnt corner; make them talk to me; stand their;; I jumped over to them and told them I was going to use them for therapy. and I dumped some more stuff on them and a few other people... I was stronger then usual; went outside to my friends and started talking to him about all this; they already know; their just waiting for me to come out of my shell and grow; and I have been; we talked about it; talked about the women that have tried to like me and get close to me but I shut down on them and he told me how they did not feel real=well about it. I hurt some people at a specific level of ignoring them... So; thats next in the cards to to talk to someone of them; just let them know its me; not them.. the problem. And walk away.
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To keep myself safe; Ive been sitting back and observing and taking notes; but it was pointed out to me that regardless I still dont really know anything about them; at the right moment Id go to them and and open up; but it was always to late.. In a away its dishonest; im not honest with my feeling toward them to start with... So; its not honest... honestly for me is walking up to you and being honest about how I feel right now; not in 6 months... Thats the control deceptive part I use. and it has to stop....
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So; all of this happened today; the rest of this I wrote yesterday or more this morning. It just continues to grow...
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Ill keep up with the visualizations; just keep it up; keep it going...
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From this morning. Early in the morning.... before the world gets up...
I manipulate because I dont think Im good enough; and I lie about the whole thing; dishonesty. I flip the switch and becoming completely dishonest so I dont show my inferiority complex that I dont think Im good enough. The problem is; I lie. Im not honest or upfront with the person; but after Im faking them out or lying; then I blame them when I leave because Im caught lying... Its 100% here; Im a complete manipulated and liar... This is what happened with my first love; I deceived her and got caught deceiving her and ran off because I was a joker... And their it is; a bit more honest; I did not deal with my I felt less then nor show that side of myself; but that side of myself came out; thats the side that I dont think im good enough for anyone or for her; why bother; Im not in her league she can get better then me; and at some point; lets face it; she is going to wake up to this; I mean; this whole thing is a joke and I know it. And ive lied to her up front so she thinks Im qualified; I know at some point if she finds out Im a fraud; its over. I know that Im stringing this thing along and I know it. And the longer I string her along to what Im not; the longer I can fool her into believing what I am. I cant believe in my lies anymore either.. But I dont have the guts to tell her the truth of how I feel about myself and why and that I was not who I claimed to be when I met her. In fact; I lied right from the start to meet her or fit in with her when I knew if I was myself I would not even be noticed and that I had no business being here or around her; I knew I didnt fit into this; I knew it. And right from the start before I got into the car with my brother to meet her; I knew; I had no business even meeting someone like this; I should have been dealing with all the other stuff I was avoiding; and Im going to make a list of what all that stuff was. I was a liar from the start. if I had not manipulated her; and I had no business thinking I had to manipulate her...
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This manipulation or faking out people; pathological liar; Im still doing it; its so bad that I have no identity anymore because I believe half the lies I create and then when its time to back them up; I cant even stand on the same ground as anymore else....
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The problem is; when it comes time to back anything up; Im a liar.
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When it comes to women; Im not a man. Im just me... I dont have any of the accomplished manly traits. Im just me. Im afraid they want a man and Im just a boy... And I dont have the guts to just stand in front of them and be honest because Im afraid I wont be taken seriously. So; their is it; I mean; Im getting close; Im lying. And I have to face those lies some how; nothing; and I mean ; nothing scares me to death more then facing these lies about myself; that Im not who I claim to be.
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I think I need to fake people out to hide. I mean; to keep up the false mask; the image; ive got this thing about image; ive got this image to keep; and if I dont bob and weave and maneuver; Ill loose my image. and its total lies. its all pathological lying; and Im going to have to pray about it.
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What scares me; these women I mention in here; My first love; the last girl that liked me. When they approached me I froze up because Im a fake. And Im so worried about what they are; Im afraid and fear they are dealing with a mask not the real me under the mask. So; I have my work cut out for me to become me in front of these women.
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Stop blaming women; im not in their league. Im blaming women that can take chances when I cant. I talk allot but cant take any chances with women; im to scared and shy. And this person; this shy person is the one that has to come up to women and ask for what I want..
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Im not honest and Im not honest with women. I see sexual abuse and having to learn how to hide from being myself so I dont get hurt and feeling resentful toward anyone in the human race because I cant be myself... Im angry about it and hateful. I dont know what to do about all this... But I can feel it; and I can feel the Alters in me.......
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Ill keep writing about it somewhere. and trying to get to the truth. I could not stand up for myself around bullies or anyone else. I was flunking out in school and being sexually molested and no one liked me in a family system; I as abruptly thrown away and no matter where I went I could not stand up for myself with anyone... And I was scared and in terror that I was put into new situations that I was could not survive... I did not try to; I didnt want to turn into the monsters that were taunting me.... instead I ran away and stayed away; I gave up my right to roam.... But I had no place anymore to go.
And then the bullies in the school system started in... So it was the neighborhood; the school system and where I was living. No place to hide; nothing.. What do I do; where do I go. So I am a total fake... Completely; So; what is my next move...
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Do I really like any of these women that like me; Im just around them to survive; I never got around anyone to date them... I could care less. Im in survival mode; cant they see that.... im not who they think I am; im not confidence; its all fear and a lie; all of it... do I tell them; I guess so. I mean; right from the beginning I tell them Im freighten'd; Something like that... Ill have to keep talking about it. Im a fake; a wimp; a fake; Im not tuff; im not strong; Im nothing; I cant take care of myself or defend myself; its all a lie; and the women that I meet think Im someone else. Do I tell them the truth and see what they say... even being around these kinds of women is a lie; these are not my women; not my kind of women; Im joking; Im lying; its all a game so I can hide from the real reality I dont want to face; my true life and potential I was pulled out of... and I dont know how to have the character to get back into it or face it; impossible. Im an imposter.
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And their is it; allot of it; Im the social criminal; not them; im the one faking everyone out; not them; and when I get caught I want to run... and thats where they catch me and see me for what I am; someone who is running and has been faking them out the whole time; Thats why they write me off as a harmless joker and move on......
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So; how do I stop running and face some or all of this stuff...
And I want so badly to blame women but I dont want to look at myself when Im the real ishue.....
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Narcissistic image; Im in love with my image and mesmerized by it more then the girl Im in love with; I would rather loose her then loose my image... and their it is; HLEp! now what do I do.... All repressed hatred and impacted anger and delusion and dissociation and violence and resistance and defense... from years of being in a hostile take over in my reality... Ive spent so many years fighting against everything and thats created a false image of who I am... Im living off that tuff image but in reality; im just me; underneath and havent been able to express that to anyone and be myself; and Im scared to be myself; "Myself" could not defend against attackers or sexual predators or bullies against children... me being the child. I could defend myself and had no place to go accept dissociation... Now what do I do...
I keep wanting to shove an image down someones throat; one after the other; after the other; after the other; after the other after the other after the other. Im afraid no one like me or accept me; I will be all alone like when I was young; and I was destroyed and dying from that...
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I have a tendency to see trouble but instead of finally jolting away from trouble or the trouble person to safety; I suddenly stop in freeze mode and purposely because the victim because it feels warm and it feels good; it feels great being the victim; Im safe and secure and Im back home... And Im living the dream; someone is taking care of me again=..... Im a little kid and I dont have to deal with anything...
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I resent having to deal with adult things... But I see others much better at it then I but I still have to lower myself to it where Im weak and try to participate the best I can; but I dont; I havent yet; Im not good at it.. asking for what I and having courage...
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So; the goal is; to be able to tell a person all of this stuff; not have to write it in a blog format on a place like this and or talk about it at a 12 step meeting with a bunch of people in recovery; I want the ability to sit down with someone and tell them this stuff at a personal level... and thats where the weakness of breakdown is and the trembling fear and dissociation because I have no identity from living in a house with a family that liked me; I was given away over n over n over and thrown away by people that I thought were friends but they were secretly using me. SO; I dont have any strength to talk to someone. But I dont want anyone to know my image is fake and Im broken...
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Right now; Im checking in; because my mental condition is improving; and as my mind opens up; thanks to God. I continue to have hope things continue to get better or will.
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The 2 areas of pain; deep pain affected by CPTSD; Music and art creation and performance.
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So; right now; I have a partial interest in guitar; for the purpose of performance; rhythm guitar for song writing...
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Im slowly creeping up on something; as I get better mentally; more healed; maybe for the first times Im starting to see the music and art beginning; maybe all the way back to 0-4 years old. my getting flash backs. Lots of them in the process when thinking about music. The point is; lots of mine fields of flash backs; long term concerning the horror during the time I was suppose to grow in music; I was put down and destroyed and humiliated and demoralized; the whole long long term of it...
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So; how do I move forward with music creation to play live. A starting point is to understand this is an area plagued with horror and abuse and dissociation; and thats the problem. Ill need to stop dissociating and really get into it and want to and like it. I have some one else narrative about my music interests; my music interests have been ruined and thus; I must work with God to get back a good attitude about music and appreciate working on it. I have no idea what that is like.. So; Ill pray about that...
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