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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Preview: PTSD; High School

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm

I was completely shut down in High school.
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Im processing the girl I loved when I was 14; something is wrong; I shut all the truth out about her; Actually; well; Ill just dump it; its about PTSD. and I was freaked out.
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She must not have been a nice person; she was a sensitive person; and I wanted to save her and love her with all my heart. but I could not respond to her; I was not old enough; not developed enough. I wish I was; but I could not kiss her or do anything with her; I ended up to immature. But still; well; OK. This was from sexual abuse and all the other traumas I experienced; and I was falling apart at this point; I would have liked to talk to her about it; but I didn't really know; I was closed off; I still am.
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I rejected her several times and it was over. She tried. But after that; thats when I started to slowly try to come back; but it was 2 late; I did a strange CPTSD thing; I then went back to test her; but something was wrong with this; And I couldn’t figure it out; A therapist put it this way. I treat love like its hate; when someone loves me I treat them like I hate them so they wont hurt me because love means hurt… Also, therapist pointed out that I was manipulative. the problem was; I didn't need to be; I didn't need to gain something from her; I just could not believe she liked me or that I was good enough to be liked; but it wasn’t that way at first; At first I acted normal and for the first several weeks a normal person would have made her his girlfriend; but thats where things switched. my energy went into a whole new manipulative direction.
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The point is; OK; I met her; I didn't kiss her; I rejected her; I didn't follow through with her; I was to scared; shy, bashful; wont go into all of it here; so; it was tiresome for her to have me around her; Her mother looked at me and made a joke of me; that I was just a little friend; like I wasn’t man enough to have her as a boyfriend; but that was true; but not true; not from what I was going through and had gone through; these people knew nothing about me. And the girl laughed at me and what infuriated me; why did the girl not think any deeper about what could have been going on in my life; but the reality was; and I don't like this; I wasn’t dating her; I had her very close but shut down; and it never worked; she began to stop taking me seriously; And I was written off as a fool; and I began to blame her for liking her sick parents over me; But she did like me; the horrible bottom line is; I didn't make a pass at her; but I wanted to keep trying to be around her so I could grow up; but it didn't work; I noticed she was not asking any deep questions of why I was acting the way I was acing; she just wrote me off as a fool.
The sad part of it; she had already passed the test; She was waiting and waiting for me to do something. She did not have to have a test brought to her that I can make sure she is safe or real; she was absolutely innocent; and for some reason; in this state of mind; I could not feel her feelings; only my pain. but later Im like; why would I want to hurt someone I loved and find an excuse for abandoning her.
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I've never been interested in anyone else after this; No one; unless God brought her to me.
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Dealing with women in general;
I will not have sex with someone who is worthless. Meaning their lack of respect when I meet them; I wont budge unless their a nice girl; and most women I meet today are not nice. non of them…. Not to me. Nothing; I rarely date anyone never have; had alarming amounts of women like me; but theirs always something wrong with them; in a way that makes them unsafe; all they would have to do is prove they are safe; thats all they would have to do. I remember one women; I was trying to open up again because of PTSD; I was practicing; I told her I wanted to just talk; she acted like; she didn't have to; I would just bring her over to my place and have sex with her at a later date; I wanted to talk to her first; I knew her; but she wanted to treat me like I was an object; but the way she went about it; if it was just sex; it wouldn't matter but it was different then that. I was being used; as if I was inferior; and men are not like women; men don't like that or respond to it. And men don't forget. never! the women is deemed unsafe by a mans standards and thats the end of that. Ive had a lot of sexy women like me; only to destroy every chance they could possibly have with me by arrogantly opening their mouth; once that mouth is open; it doesn’t take 20 seconds to destroy any and all and very possibility of any kind of relationship; all over with.
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I was online with a women; She explained or the post explain how a man had taken advantage of her. He was a minister or something or therapist or something; So; I commented that a female therapist had taken advantage of me; wanted sex with me; wanted to have a baby. I should have ended their; but no; This women had to put in her 2 sense worth to try and knock out the obvious; that I was an attractive man to women and special in this therapist women’s eyes; and she was not trying to sleep with anyone else but me; because the other people in therapy were not her type or what ever; she thought I was hot and wanted to sleep with me period. because; thats the real story; I didn't tell this women all the details. What does she do? she leaves a counter message again; trying to argue with me about pathological therapists ad how they will take advantage of everyone; And again; I left a message; No; not in this case; This women thought i was gook looking and wanted to sleep with just me! well this poster didn't like this and continue her rant to try to rationalize my status away and then turned to shame language to try and compete with me to cute down my social position. I don't have to continue explaining this situation with the poster; anyone listening can get it. This is why I don't date or have conversations with women; I don't bother. just because i leave a comment does not mean someone can unethically run with it at my expense; using a kind of relational aggression to attract me; I never lied. It was not for her to get involved in; this was my story; my business; period. This kind of idiot; I would never associate with again. thats what happens when I talk to women. So; I stopped talking to them; they take no responsibility for themselves or anyone else regardless of their involvement with someone.
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When I talk with women; and or many men; I have to speak in a room with no cross talking or I get shamed and humiliated through a response from someone; someone trying to cut me down to make themselves look better. I dont share with people for them to cut me down so they can look better; thats a cheap shot. I wont tolerate those kinds of people.
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A believed that God put us together. Could I have been wrong; Maybe? I don't think so; but I don't know; later I called her; 10 years later to tell her how I felt; she had told the person On the phone that I meant nothing to her. And I thought; then why was she interested in me. Maybe she wasn’t; maybe it was because I was giving her attention; I realized something special and deep was their; we were brought together; thats what I thought. but she didn't give me a chance to explain. Instead; she through me away; but this was after I through her away. I loved her but did not follow through; and so she was no longer interested in being on my team; its as simple as that; cant say it any other way.
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I have allot of PTSD surrounding the anger and pain of this for 2 or 3 years in high school; I was destroyed and devastated and had no reason to live; no interests in it anymore; I just wanted to be loved by someone; belong to something; anything, anyone; but I wanted it to be the right person; and when I didn't follow through with her; I was no longer the right person.
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So; high school was a horrible nightmare of being alone in a city; a new city and experience; I had no friends; nothing; I was not doing anything in school; I was shut down from trauma. The point is; I locked out of those time periods; Now, Im starting to wake up; those memories are starting to wake up.
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I don't know what to think accept I don't see her as I did when I first met her; I saw her completely differently; I saw her as dangerous; that I had actually tried to hook up with a sociopath; Im afraid that is closer to the truth; and that is making more sense; and I sensed it at the time; both her parents were sociopaths; One; a complete liar; maybe at 14 I could have helped her; but the time she was 16; no conscious. I began to see this in her after I saw her judging me as a weakling and after her mother insulted me publicly by suggesting Im just a little boy friend of her daughters; at that point; I wanted nothing to with those people; any of them; filth; thats what I thought.
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When someone judges me as a weakling; Its over; Ill allow it; then silently back out from the situation and never return; Their are somethings I wont tolerate; thats one of them; the other shaming language from women; women trying to take over; like holing a door for me or some other nonsense when Im a man.
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I had no other social outlets; I was completely alone after letting that girl go.
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One major problem with the girl; she would do well in school; while I was doing nothing; she had a future; I had no future; Trauma was the reason; But I did not have an identification of what was wrong with me at the time. I do now; I knew I was sick from it; but did not have a name for it; and no one cared; I was all alone and freaked out from CPTSD.
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As for the girl; Im being allowed by my nervous system to remember her and what really happened and how horrible all of this really was; and how I just wanted to go home to my life in my home town; and had no home or family or or house or memories or nothing; It was all stolen; and I cracked; I had another break down from being around that girl and her family; I thought they were friends; I was wrong; Im not sure why the girl responded to me; could be she was young enough; she was getting attention and I would have just been a momentary boyfriend; but still. She tried and waited for me; but then it was over; she moved on from me ; I being to immature; I don't understand this logic; but I do; from her point of view; she was never in my head; she did not know anything about what was going on inside me; all she saw was me rejecting her over n over; but I tried; and I came back and I kept calling at later dates; but she refused to involve herself with me; instead she looked at me as invalid; a joke; no one to remember our take seriously; so; why would I want to associate with someone like that in the first place. No compassion; no empathy; nothing; like a monsters. And considering her back ground; maybe thats what she was. But Im starting to remember the horrible pain of being thrown away.
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I don't chase people and I don't chase women; i watch them carefully if their interested in me; I listen to how they talk to me; I set up situations that she can consider me weak; and I watch how she response to it. and in most cases; most women fail and I move on. Most women fail within a few minutes and its over; some are so dumb they cant figure it out; Im not shy or weak or bashful; Im not interested in them; they had their chance they had 20 seconds of my time and they blew it; why would I give them anymore time; why; so they could continue to manipulate and show disrespect; if your a women; you got about 5 seconds to show me your submissive and will get in your place; or your gone that quickly because Im gone before it starts.
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My writing is about the what happened and the PTSD for 3 years after words. I have to open up and get it out; the whole experience; so that I can become and artist; at a normal situation; I would have been an excellent student and an artist and others things; but I had no backing-from the place I was living; nothing made any sense; in fact; as I write this; most of the problem was; I had no home in this new city I was living in; and I found this out; it was all a fake front by the psychopath I was living with and her new host; and I was deviated by that and other things; completely destroyed. No one cared if they ever saw me again; nothing; Including this girl. I will have to work through this stuff and get over it; remember high school; talk about it; get it out and move on from it. I had no counseling; nothing. No one cared.
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SO; what am I suppose to be beyond this; beyond this trauma; an artist; making art for a gallery , being an artist; I want to get over this trauma and concentrate on what Im suppose to be; and its hard but Im doing it; and I want this stuff out of me so it does not have control over me anymore. Its got me by the throat. And for long long time; I feel like Im still swimming in trauma; and I want it to stop; I want to surface and get better build a new life for myself; I can tell it might be possible right now; just maybe….. Im getting through things; i have to develop a new life where Im at; go for it; meet new people.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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