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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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I have CPTSD
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Positive thinking and relationships with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:51 pm

2 places I need to be when I leave my apartment in the morning; positive thinking, and at a meeting where their is people!
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My blog; " fear of women blog"; as now been officially changed to " relationships with women blog"; Its turned over! I knew it would at some point! I had to get up to speed to start over from the beginning! With the past blogs Ive written; " fear of women blog;'This mainly concerned the past, and how I was dealing with the past in the present! exposure therapy-ing the past into the present! I brought up everything I could concerning women; over n over n over n over n over; including my mother and grandmother and friends mother; or people I knew; their mothers! sisters, teachers! and I wrote about it! How I felt, the abuse, frustration, anger! fear, everything!
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Now; Im more caught up to speed; so, I am now turning it over! Its now about relationships with women! Im crazy and Im f__ked up! and thats a good place to start; because its the beginning!
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So, this is the beginning of new things! is it easy; not; no easier then climbing Mt Everest! yet, I have some experience climbing now! Ive climbed a few psych hills! Im better prepared!
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The positive thinking processes are going well; tough, but well! The goal is; what are my goals and a story to go with each; a dominant story to go with each! These stories are positive stories of what Im anticipating in my life! they dominate over the old stories of! " I wish I had thinks but their missing"!
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If I can or if I cant; either way; Im right! And Im attempting to change the beliefs and interests of " I cant" to I am"! and its working; but its taking a h_ll of allot-a work! and I will continue with this work!
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Feeling good about myself is the next important thing; Im learning about it; how to do it!
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With dissociative disorder; its been like Im a ghost! I never felt my body anymore and could not place it in time or space! My body was used by everyone; I had a rent sign on the back of my neck! It did not belong to me; I did not control it! Someone else controlled my body; the world owned it, you owned it, the state owned it! the society owned it! I didnt own my own body, so it went numb and I could not feel it anymore! Soon, I wanted to leave the planet and never come back!
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Im learning how to meditate and love myself! This is interesting; I never knew how to love my body or thank it! now Im learning!
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Its all a slow process!
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Problems with women and people in general!
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Im better; Im still scared when people walk up to me; I get triggered from movements! Anyone coming at me triggers me! Women, less then men! but they both trigger me!
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The gaol is to be kind to people; learn to practice and drop the defenses! the problem is; with no defenses, people come at me physically quickly! and it scares me; freaks me out!
So, these are the 2 areas Im working on!
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Im working on practicing music everyday and some kind of art, until I can feel safe in the outside environment making art again! I have a lot of PTSD that gets triggered when Im doing something with my hands in front of me; I dont feel safe; I feel like I can be attacked!
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Asian-soulmate! This is my next big goal and manifestation! I have to keep working with source energy on this! It may take along time for me to bridge the gap of where I need to go to be surrounded by Asian women who are my soulmates! I will have to do some geographic-ing. I might have e to go other places and open up my spectrum of area; and this is fine, as long as God is in charge and I can feel safe!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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