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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Plans

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:15 pm

Im trying to understand how to have plans or what plans I need to make it back to civilization!

Im in this room, Im in front of my computer screen, Im on a floor trundle type sleeping thing; I dont remember what their called; the fold out things you can buy at the outlet store!

I have all these problems with memory and identity and massive PTSD! As I get better dealing with a chopped up mind! the number one goal is; how am I doing in reality! thats the hardest hit; the hardest part! What do I want! not; how pissed am I about everything or the state of life! I know about the negative; what about having enough courage to go after what I want! How about the work necessary to get that courage! a plan to create courage!

Ive had 1001 opportunities to be with women; and Ive thrown 99% of them away! I have 1 million excuses! One of the big ones; the women; I did not trust them! they did not show me they could be trusted! they were the wrong people! Did I go out with the right people!

As I read the above statement; I know its not true! I was not man enough to go out with any of these women! I did not have the character for it! I can see this! I was 2 mature for mature women! they made a mistake! its really really hard to see this! I could not handle a real women! I cant handle a real woman! i cant!

However, I read somewhere about conditions; Im always dealing with conditions; and Im never taking any chances!

Who do I like; go for it and see what happens! However, what if I see in that persons behavior with in their last relationships; they were treacherous and un faithful; do I want to go out with her because she likes me and is cute; No! I dont! Im not interested in people who are faithless!

Do I look for the women Im interested in! no! why?, because I cant see myself with them because Im a mental mess! what if I told myself to see myself with them even if Im a mental mess! this is so dam hard on my ego; I cant describe it; is it better to be right or happy!

I refuse to go after a women; why?! I dont know why? I might get laughed at! I might be put down! I might not be the right age! I might be laughed at! Im a coward! its really really really bad! I mean, really bad! Im so scared of being laughed at; AVPD!

I wont allow myself to like someone; they might like me back; the what; I cant live in the past anymore!

Sanity plays a roll in all this! a sane person wants to live! I just want to dream my life away! and thats what Ive done!
Am I not good enough to stop the dream and actually live a life I want and go after it!

Is it possible to define a life based on nothing more then what turns my lights on; and leave the rest for the haters!; is this possible!~ Im going to find out! I mean it!

The plan is how to deal with my coward'ess of not being enough! even when women liked me; hot, super hot women; looks so intimidating it scared me to get near them; they were dropping at my feet; not one; massive amounts of them; scared the holy terror out of me! I could not stand the attention! my dissociative disorder freaked on me! I went into shock and became like a 3 year old and froze up! I always thought; these women dont like me for who I am! they wouldn't want me! Then it kept hitting me " they all ready want you, and theyve proved it to you"! I cant use that excuse anymore!

Why do I need excuses to go out with women! I want them in my bed! I just dont want them seeing the way I live because of my mental illness! I'm ashamed of it! and Im ashamed of what I have become; an after thought! Im so ashamed of everything; Im scare that no one will ever like me!

Nothing worse then putting out time for a relationship; then have a women go; " your not a cowboy". I thought you were strong; your actually just a dreamer with problems; bye!"

Im scared to let someone now what Im really like! Im scared to see myself for what has happened to me! Im completely scared to try for a girl that I know doesn't need me! Im always thinking she can get some one better! I want hang out with her! or, I like her because she's cute and I hope the rest follows! but I will not know unless I go out with her!

I wont know anything unless I go out with her! I dont have money! but I wont know unless I to out with her!

I can feel it; the answer lies in this statement! " I want know unless I go out with her"!

This is the statement! it hurts, but its a solution! Now, from where I am lazylee, sitting on this pad, laying on it in my room in front of my safe internet connection; to go from this to going out with women; it seems like light years away! it seems impossible and I dont want to tell any one this; it just seems horribly impossible! no one is going to want to go out with a slob like me! no way!

Im afraid of bringing reality back into my life after being so destroyed by the society I live in! every dream and goals destroyed! schooling destroyed, friends, social connection; the ability to connect; all of it!

Go for it; thats whats missing! yet, thats what Im heading toward! However, something is missing from the mat Im laying on right now to the beginning process of my dreams! somethings is missing in reality or dealing with reality! and Im looking for that gap; and Im looking to accept that I have to deal with this gap between myself and reality and do something about it!

Going after my dreams is a matter of work on success based thinking and I can do this! however, this gap Im talking about! I have to look at it; its heartbreaking! something horrible about look at this gap! I dont like looking at it! I have to look at it!

Its bout making a plan! going for it! Im mad that I have not got it any better then this! I was hoping for something else! something without having to be such an opportunist on the edge of everything! its hard on my brain!

I was destroyed out my past lives! it hurts; I just want to grieve! you have to fight for what you want! I haven't wanted anything! now I have to learn how to fight for what I want!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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