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OMNICELL
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Planning life as an AVPD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am

I feel most comfortable in my bed room on my bed.... in my bed with the covers pulled over me sleeping all day long; but not sleeping; just being; being on my bed; bed tenting all day long; this is the only place I feel safe.... locked away in my room on my bed; with my computer on my bed. AVPD; its the only place I ever feel safe...
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Being locked away on disability; no one would have ever heard of me; I would have been one more shut in locked away But; ive studied how to set goals like the rich; the way they make money; I know the system of basic success; so; I know how to go after things in the real world. Its strangely hard; way harder for me I think being so withdrawn and broken and shy. And I do end up with things and the potential of being with people. Im to shy to have ever followed through with anyone in a relationship; Im to afraid they will find out who I am and who I am not.
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Im to shy to have followed through with anymore; im more of a dreamer from my bed room; and when something actually happens that I was dreaming about; I freak out and im petrified and run away. I hide.
Ive known many women that have liked me but they give up soon and dismiss me as weirdo; then find another guy and court him as if I never existed; Im discarded or past over... I simply vanish and never return and plan for something else or someone else for another day.
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My life is secretive and hidden; private solitary; not that bad considering. Ive been able to focus and plan on what I want to buy. I have an apartment full of hobbies. expensive hobbies; train sets on a train set table. Nice Art supplies and nice Art table. electronic music equipment; synths and guitars. A drum set I cant use anymore; broken shoulders; tendon problems. Very nice telescopes. vocal booth I can scream in all night long if I want to; or make songs. Plastic model kit making table and accessories. Ive got about 3-4 Grand worth of plastic model kits sitting on one big 3 by 2 by 7 foot shelf... full; about 110 model kits ranging from 30 bucks a model. Most expensive 500$ plastic submarine model kit. Also; remote control rock crawler RC...
Ive had 12 expensive mountain bikes in the last 20 years; expensive; 3500$ range for many... Mountain biking was my life. But ive had no job; just disability and the ability to use the laws of attraction and Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; the book.... Ive done exceptionally well with the small amount I have. Very interesting. And its because I know what I want; and what I like to do... my interests and hobbies... I learned all this; I started with a broken mind that was not present and blank. It took years and years of work just to finely focus in on something I actually liked or wanted to do. In the end Ive ended up with almost many of the things I wanted to do as a child and Ive gotten that stuff back into my adult life.

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I save like a mad man for specifically what I want... and over time the money adds up or other opportunities come along and I get some help or something else happens and the universe shows up for goals to be accomplished.
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The point is; ive seen others with mental illness; They dont have things like this; like I have. planning like this. They have a bed; a couch a l lamp; maybe a gaming station and thats it... So Im very fortunate.
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As for relationships; Ive been able to utilize the laws of attraction and coaching to create soulmates that come to me. unfortunately its not worked; Not because the women did not show up; because of AVPD and dissociative disorder and CPTSD; I guess it did work but I could never follow through. And I never told the girls I was actually just a mentally ill guy who was rubbing a genies bottle and these women appeared out of thin air. I was never how I presented my self from a distance. up close I was a mentally shy crippled person that could never follow through with my dreams; I was to scared and petrified.
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Women I created; the soulmate. They would show up from fare and near; they would show up.
I was never functioning well enough to entertain the notion of being with them. Soon they just brushed me off and moved on to someone else.. Someone with more money that was more stable. Its not that they didn't offer themselves to me; they did; but I was bashful and hid. By the time I came out from hiding; they had written me off for a better man. I did not compete for them; I simply and quietly went home and never returned. Most never saw me again; and after a while they didnt want to know me again; They didnt really know me or have a clue who I was and what I was really dealing with on a daily basis; who I was really am.
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Im actually a recluse with mental illness who took a chance with the success based processes written in success books and attempted to use them to manifest goals in the outside world..A world I could never really be apart of most of my life; non of my adult life.
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And it worked; I began to believe enough I stepped outside to take a look. But I was to chicken to actually follow through.
I realized I had to manifest my own life into being something that could join someone else; it never happened in time. By the time I manifested my own life to change to be ready for what I had manifested; it was 2 late; they (women)( opportunities) were gone. Now as Im getting much older; my time is running out... Im still just this shy withdrawn AVPD person hiding in his room planning. But like I said; im always to chicken to follow through. I mean; Im actually someone withdrawn in his room; thats all I am...
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Non of the people I manifest understand me; im just a mentally ill person who was hiding who wanted to do great things; something better for his life. I fooled the world around me a bit. But they never fully understood.
I found the people I manifested to be way way over my head in maturity and hardness in relational abilites; meaning confidence.
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When younger with mental illness and no manifesting or goal setting ability or planning; I was just a broken destroyed lost soul;
I had no confidence in relationships; Id never been in one... not a successful one nor ever with the right person... I dont even want to remember any of the people I was in a relationship with because their was no relationship; it was just a body I was next to.. my mind was somewhere else all the time.
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I would manifest women who were way beyond me in years concerning relationships; For them; it was more like they were dealing with a child when dealing with me. They didnt mind the potential; but it never came of anything; I ran away scared and never came back; never talked to them again; They never understood and stunned; they never came back; at some point in confusion they privately from a distance; said goodbye and moved on with real men; not someone like me... and I was written off for good; and at times they would still come back around me curious or ashamed or looking at me with broken hearted concern troubled; troubled because they found someone they deemed to be better and stayed with that man instead of me; and they felt guilty about it because they had found a man that looked better in the eyes of the world. And they made a decision to go with that man instead of me. And when they see me they feel guilty but they never leave that other man and soon they forget about me. They move up in the world and forget about people like me; im just an AVPD shut in with mental illness. And if you ask; they will claim they never knew me; they've never heard of me or Im some one to make jokes about not take seriously; They dont want anyone to know they may have ever had any interest in..
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The point is; I would have never had any of these experiences if I had not gotten better; at least I was outside. I was in groups of people trying because I had a plan. I got everything I planned for; I did; but I never followed through on the relational side; The people showed up; I never followed through... I ran away before I could get hurt.
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IVe been running away all my life.
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Its not over yet... The next venture is to manifest women of a higher level cultural background. I have no idea what this means yet. I have to move on from the past ones; its over with them. Im back to being the AVPD in his room again...
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Im getting the last of my model kits and Ill start working on them; I just wanted to see if I would follow through with my goal of having all the model kits I ever wanted in the world and it looks like that might be happening... So; I am accomplishing goals...
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Music; This is a goal that has eluded me for some time; mainly because its a social goal done outside. I mean; you create music and go perform it. But its a goal... And we will see what happens with it.
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Art is another goal; And I just accomplished a great feat with it; thus opening the ability for me to access the outside world if I want; for the walls keeping me from that goal are now crushed.... Not all of the wall; but an opening... A big big opening.... open enough... I can walk freely from one side of the wall through to the other.
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As for girlfriend; Well; Ill keep working at it with God; its looking like the challenge is more on my side of things; letting down the walls so I dont get hurt. no expectations. Will I ever have a girlfriend before I die; I dont know. Ill keep working at it. I have to become the kind of person Im looking for. and I cant say it better then that,. the wall that protects that hurt has to come down; and thats an art in itself; thats most of the work....
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I tried to manifest these cover girl beauties that everyone dreams about; and I did and they were eating out of my hands and It scared me to death and I did not know what to do; they had so much more experience them me; and I got traumatized by the whole thing and ran off and never went back; I never felt good enough or enough and I knew they didnt need me. And when they got tired of me they could go on to any man; and thus; I observed them; and in all sadness; thats exactly what they did; over n over n over; meaning; several times I manifested these kinds of women; and they had 2 many choices of men; because they could have any man they wanted and they got used to the status and then when I came along; it wasn't worth their time; they could just as easily go out with someone else who had more going on....
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I tried to manifest a soulmate where their heart and mine melded; and it worked but the girls would never owner their own hearts; They were in love with me; they would end up with men that had much more social status and success and then they would dream about the love they had for me while they had time off to day dream but married to the other guy. I mean; it was a big game for them... They really didnt care about my feelings or the child heart within them that had a connection for me.. Its true they had a connection but they were not going to give up their worldly man and his goods for a heart connection with me; it wasn't worth it for them so I was dumped. O well! At least I manifested them; I mean it all started from a dream from under my covers why hiding in my bed alone in my room.
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So I was dumped; O well! And these are things I did; many of them when in reality I was never suppose tobe able to do anything; ever leave my apartment; not ever really having the ability. It was all my planning that did it; to focus on what I wanted.
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The problem is; AVPD; never went away; dissociative disorder; its much better; CPTSD; its better; calmer.. Addictions; I stopped drinking a long time ago... because I wanted to use alcohol to escape my dissociated life; not a good idea... I found out. Drugs in High school caught me by surprise; I almost got hooked hooked. Very close... was a disaster; could have been a lot lot worse... but I was a throw away and no one cared anyway so I didnt care... But I learned very quickly.
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Drinking will not fix or stop my mental illness; learned that the hard hard way.... I was almost tanked; Thank God things happened and I ended up in the recovery process. but my mental illness got worse until I was catatonic; but now its better.
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So; here I am again; starting over again for the 16th time from ground zero on goals... What will I attempt to create this time; or who. These days Im looking to manifest the ability to follow through so I can actually stick around to have a girlfriend thus having a real relationship; thats what Im working on and man is it hard... I have to change many things about myself and ask God to help me with it because I have no idea how Im going to change the hardness within me... its happening; Ill keep at it.
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So; what Im trying to manifest is the wall coming down around the brokenness; The past.. getting rid of it; or working through it and coming back from it and its false expectations that lead to emptiness; of course; Im just an AVPD guy in his room dreaming; we will see what I can dream up and what shows up around me...
I have to manifest the abilities for where I want to be outside; what kind of environment.
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have I said all I wanted to say; what Im really trying to say; Im just a shy broken guy doing things I know allot of people in my situation cant do... wont even try; would not have a clue how.. So Im very lucky I have this extra thing for success based thinking. And experiences come and go; And one must accept the old is over with and move on to the new work... the new created world ; a world I create in my mind and watch develop in front of me if I want it...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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